Hi ladies,

Hope you’re all enjoying your bank holiday weekend!

Emotions are running high for me since a little while back but for some reason cannot shift them again the last few days. I am on the verge of tears at anything and everything. I’m simply not happy with my life..

I think it’s safe to say that that good old cry is definitely needed! That might be the plan for tonight then!

Shelby, I hope you’re okay!

Shelby,

There is absolutely no shame in admitting that you feel or have felt in a deeply dark place. Granted, it’s not something I ever wanted to or thought I would’ve experienced in my life but I have and that is the truth, that is my reality. Not that I am glad that I’ve experienced it, but in some way I am glad that the acceptance of it has helped someone like yourself in admitting that these things do happen to the best of us!

I know that feeling of ‘I can’t go on’ so well now and it is a terrifying place to be.

Having a little read through your response to Michelle, the panic attacks around conversations about your mum, the avoidance, what if it makes you worse? The ‘i beg him to talk about something else’… Shelby, that was me in a nutshell. Grief and loss of a loved one does that.. I did exactly the same when it came to my trauma. Literally, exactly the same. I would avoid any conversation, thought, anything because I knew it hurt too much.. I couldn’t bare to live with it, I couldn’t bare to even try to move on and so I distracted myself. For a while even, I felt like I had no right to try and work through the pain. It is SUPPOSED to hurt, it DOES hurt, how can I even dare to try to get ‘over’ this?! It is not right to attempt to live as though nothing ever happened.. But that attitude did more damage than good.

I think the only difference here is the therapy I attended was very much entirely directed at the kind of trauma I had endured and therefore I had no choice but to go in there and pour my soul and grief on the table, no matter how difficult that was. The thing with grief is that it comes in waves. And I don’t really think that it is ever something that we will just ‘get over’ or ‘move on from’.. rather it is just something that you learn to live with. I know i’ll never forget or get over my loss. I know that, I have accepted that. Grief leaves a little hole in your heart and soul for the rest of your days, but as time goes on your heart becomes filled with other little things in life that make the pain a little less excruciating…

I know it is extremely difficult and you have to do what you feel is best for you at all times but I do think that you have concluded yourself in that last post that this is an area in your life that requires emotional work… And whilst it isn’t going to be easy, as and when you decide to re-visit this, please know that I will be here every step of the way because I understand.

Sending you big big big hugs today! xx

Morning Shelby,

Yes, because the intensity does eventually reduce. Obviously in my case I am referring to the intensity of the trauma, rather than the relationship with Mr A but I am sure that will hit me hard when we do finally go our separate ways.. and then hopefully reduce with time!

I think the sadness of the life you used to have that you are referring to is possibly just a feeling of loss/grief. It’s like the ‘missing’ of what could’ve been, what you would’ve wanted it to be and accepting that that no longer is. I know that feeling very well as I feel the same very closely tied to my trauma. It’s very much linked to what could’ve been, what should’ve been and what will never be.. It’s a tough one to work with but I do think that is the reality of it all.

I’m glad your friend in Oz has finally reached out, hopefully that’ll give you a more stable/secure background to focus on for your travels and give you some confidence to go ahead and book!

I’m feeling the sadness again today unfortunately.. I literally could scream and shout but instead I am at work trying to keep distracted!

Morning Shelby,

Yeah I did notice a little while ago that Mr A and your ex have quite a few similarities.. Even the whole thing with the excessive family ties/involvement really resonated with me although thankfully all that has now eased since we are living together.

They definitely both are the type of man who simply is just not ready. And I told him several times during our conversation that that’s okay.. Granted I’m not entirely happy about it no as it brings up the whole reality of how much time I’ve really wasted but nonetheless it is absolutely okay for him. As it is for me to make the decision to not waste any more of my time and do what feels right to pursue my dreams as they are equally as important.

Don’t get me wrong, staying head strong and hoping for something better in a situation like this is of course difficult. But in all honestly when it comes down to it time is not something that we can ever get back.. And I’ve stuck around for the last four years in hope that one day we will hypothetically get to the future we have discussed. I have no wish to continue hanging around for another four without some solid confirmation that I am not waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

Well done to you btw for reaching your goal weight! Woooohooo! It really does make a difference doesn’t it?

When I lost all that weight a little while back I couldn’t believe just how much of an effect it really had on me! Although I have felt a little sluggish the last two months or so as I’ve stopped going to the gym but I’m back at it!

Also, glad to hear that all of the hassle with this other guy has gone now! I really do think it has a lot to do with attachment types and general life experiences. When looking deeper into my attachment type, I figure that my biological dad had a lot to do with it. Although he was a part of my life up until aged 18, I realise now as an adult that he was very up and down with his time. I have some great memories with him but I am aware now that most of them were pushed for by my mum who very much made sure that my dad was involved in my life.. I realise I found myself as a child always asking why he doesn’t want to spend too much time with me? Or why he doesn’t love me enough etc? And when he finally cut contact with me aged 18 (as his duties to me were done right?) oh I had so many questions!

And now it shows in my friendship/relationship patterns. I’m always trying to figure peoples ulterior motives, over compensate for how they may be feeling, if I sense a change in their behaviour or even tone of voice I go into an automatic panic, will they leave now!? Prime example of the anxious attachment type! It’s a hard nut to crack but I’m working on it.

Hehe Michelle, I had to giggle at that one! Absolutely right, how dare I be so ungrateful for the imaginary bunch of flowers you thought about getting me?!

Honestly though I have to laugh.. otherwise I might cry at the sheer stupidity!

I do think you’re right. He hasn’t grown up yet. And actually that was mentioned in our conversation yesterday. I said that when we met we were very young, granted eventually we spoke about marriage and children (as those are things we both want) but it was all in the hypothetical future which obviously was great for him! It worked, we didn’t really need to pay too much attention to it because it wasn’t something we needed to focus on there and then and had different priorities! At the time I was all about having a good time, going on holidays, partying, hanging out with friends etc but as time has gone on, I’ve grown up, and with that also comes a change of priorities. I’ve had my fair share of being young and carefree and I’m starting to think more seriously about my life and where it’s headed and really thinking and what I am doing as an individual to bring me closer to my dreams. Unfortunately for us, he seems to have hit a standstill somewhere along the line and hence I said I don’t want to drag him forward unwillingly, but he cannot expect for me to stay still for him either.. I need to keep moving forward…

so we’ll see!

&&& Shelby, I 100000000% get your response to this new hunk! The thing about that is, whether you’re truly interested in him or not, it is nice to receive attention from someone. It is nice when someone somewhat cares about your day, how you are feeling, or even knowing that they are taking the time out of their day to have a conversation with you. Especially if he has expressed interest in you. It feels less lonely that way.. I think it’s human nature to be honest. But the response to his lack of instant messaging back is kinda like an alarm bell, OMG! Is he no longer interested?! He was so interested why isn’t he interested anymore? And it has an awful lot to do with the kind of attachment style that you are.. I believe you are like me, an anxious attachment style. One that needs constant reassurance that I am indeed as important as you say I am. I am thought of, and cared for etc etc, the moment I am not reassured I go into panic mode, what’s changed? Will you leave now?!

As difficult as it may be, if this is not how you want to continue for the rest of the days then you’ll have to notice these patterns, sit with them and then work on them. Another thing on my to do list also!

Gosh thinking of it girls, there is a whole load of sh*t I need to work through!

On another note though, my sister got me a Fitbit over the weekend as an early birthday present and I am getting back into my exercise regime (just finished a quick workout, it’s surprising how much stamina I’ve lost because of my 2 month gym break!). It’s actually pretty cool as you can add people and partake in challenges like the Workweek Hustle, for those who have sitting down jobs like me! I’m impressed so far & hopefully that’ll help to lift my mood a little too :). Great for tracking sleep, heart rate and general health and they’re nearly half price at the moment in Argos, would definitely recommend!

Hi X,

Point well made I guess,

‘Kind of like with you. One might envy you: why not – you have a boyfriend, you two have recently moved together, but if one has read your posts here, one would really doubt whether you are to be envied.’ this one particularly got to me.

It is true. Those around me who are mostly kept in the dark probably think we’re actually doing okay, when in reality I am breaking further and further every day.

I guess the point I was trying to make is despite the problems those people/couples may be going through etc, they ultimately have the normality of a life that I’ve always yearned for.

My wondering is why am I not capable or deserving of having that too? In all honesty at this point in my life I am very doubtful of ever being in a place where I get married, or have a home and family with the man that I love.. it just doesn’t seem like something that is ever going to happen to me..

Despite always being upfront and honest about my expectations/ wants from a relationship right at the start, and being extremely selective with the people I let into my life be it friendships or potential relationships, I always seem to stumble across absolute time wasters.

I’ve had a total of 2 long term relationships.

One lasted 2 years and that was back in my college days, in hindsight it obviously wasn’t going to last forever but at the time I thought that was it. That fell apart and I ultimately walked away. I then spent time alone for the next two years, focusing on myself and absolutely enjoying single life. So much so that I was completely against the idea of a relationship as I was sooooo content on my own that I really didn’t even want to risk someone coming in to turn my little world upside down. And then Mr A came along out of nowhere when I least expected it and before you know it I was head over heels in love.

We were both really honest with one another regarding our relationship expectations and I genuinely, genuinely believed with all that I had that this was the man I will marry, this is the man I will call my husband, this will be the father of my children, this is the man I’m going to grow old with. I was so thankful for him every single day. And yet now, four years deep, I couldn’t feel any more of the opposite towards him.

What is the point then?! What is the point of spending so many years of our lives in the hope that we are building something with someone only to have absolutely nothing but heartbreak, trauma and bittersweet memories to show for it.

Kinda pointless if you ask me. And yet we all seek love, we all seek a deeper connection…

Shelby ah it’s so lovely to hear from you this evening!

Honestly today has been a whirlwind and I feel close to explosion at any moment! It’s so strange but I am absolutely overwhelmed by intense anxiety, sadness but anger… rage even.

With that in mind I’ve been absolutely going off on one with ‘Mr A’ and the saddest part, I feel absolutely no remorse! None. Zero. In fact I TOLD him not to come home because I can’t stand him and really do not want to see his face tonight at all.

So I guess that’s the talking thing out of the window. To be honest, I am a very open and clear individual. I say it how it is always so he is 100000000000% aware of exactly how I am feeling, how I have been feeling and why. In my perspective, it’s just something he chooses to ignore or as I say ‘plays stupid’ to pretend he isn’t aware. But I literally couldn’t make myself any clearer so I’ve lost all will to have any sort of conversation with him at all.

Honestly, tonight, I’m over it.

I know that’ll change, I know it will. And if we really do go out separate ways it’s best to keep things civil until we can move out (not like tonight) BUT tonight, tonight I just cannot handle any of it. In fact there is a part of me that is yearning to get as far away as possible as soon as possible! Not just from him, from everything associated with him. The life I thought we had, the incredible love we shared, the pain he brought to my life, the trauma, how he ripped my world from under my feet.. a part of me tonight wants to erase it all because it was all a lie. On the other hand though there’s the sadness. But I think we can both agree that that’s just something that is kind of just there…

I’m like you in the sense that some weeks it’s not as intense and I can actually keep my days moving but inevitably I always end up back with the sadness.

I think you’re right about something missing from our lives. I mean if something is missing, how could we really know when it’s clearly not something we’ve currently got?! So again, it’s something that needs to be explored. But I genuinely am in a place where I don’t know what that may be.

I know it’s not very helpful but I suppose we all fall victim to social media and the constant updates etc (much like how you felt at your wedding yesterday). All of my social media is filled with friends from school etc with their husbands and their children, some going on to 2/3+ and engagements and baby showers etc and I just wonder where I went so wrong!

All I ever wanted for myself was the normality of it all. To meet someone, fall in love, build a future together, get married, have children, live in our home together. Just the plain old boring, standard life, nothing out of the ordinary! And I just cannot comprehend why it’s happening to all those around me but just not me! Why? I just cannot understand it.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting tonight! My mind is in absolute overdrive and I’m trying to process so many emotions all at once I don’t quite know where to start!