Morning ladies,

Shelby, I’m so so so proud of you!!!! Look at you! Thoughts of the ex or not you are on the other side of the world, living, breathing, creating lifelong memories, it’s incredible! So so pleased for you!

I’m meh haha, is the best way to describe it.
I’m looking for a new job, recently celebrated my birthday and now feeling the extreme pressure of the ‘ticking clock’. I KNOW maybe it’s not necessary yet but nonetheless it is real. I think getting older puts into perspective how much I am completely not where I want to be in my life at all, and what makes it worse is that I am not actually even actively working towards that? Or so it feels like anyway. Myself & Mr A then celebrated our non-existent 4 year anniversary (I’ve got to laugh at this one, what’s there to celebrate?!) I kind of fell back into my deeply depressive modes and only slowly dragging myself back out. The up and down of it all is definitely a process. But I won’t bore you with my stuffs! Same old over here! Tell me about your travels 🙂

Shelby,

Lovely lovely words of advice this evening.

Very much needed as it appears I’ll be leaving my job at the end of the month too. I had quite the row with my boss today, well not so much on my end but very much on his end. The last few weeks at work have been a nightmare and I sensed that something was off, whilst my gut feeling was there I genuinely do enjoy my job so I chose to hold it out but one of my bosses let a little too much information out of frustration today and to put it lightly we ‘agreed’ i’d be leaving at the end of the month.

Again not ideal at all with the flat and all, my birthday approaching and breaking the news to my family wasn’t nice but nonetheless, is what it is.

So anxiety is at full pelt having to think of interviews and starting again and new beginnings and why my life really is such a mess?! Why the hell can something just not go right for me?! Honestly, I am so sick and tired of everything that life has been throwing at me and being the black sheep of the family, chasing stability but it is running further and further away from me. Honestly i’d love nothing more than to meet you at the airport next Tuesday and head to Sydney with you! In fact, I might just put my life over here on hold for a little while too and wander off somewhere myself.. clearly there’s not much holding me here anymore.

Something needs to shift for me Shelbs… I need to figure it out.

Evening ladies,

A tougher one for me today. I am finding myself pondering more and more about my life, my past, my trauma, all the pain that I’m very much still harbouring and the uncertainty of the future I so very badly wish for. It’s heavy.

On days like these I feel completely lost. Like I know there are decisions, options and directions but I am unable to go with any of them. Like there should be hope but there isn’t enough for me to hold on to. Like I should be able to handle everything but do I really have enough strength when I think I am so exhausted my strong has run out?

Its so frustrating because how do you even help someone who is stuck? I know I am not physically stuck yes, but it certainly feels that way.

In a sense I wish some kind of busy would appear in my life, something that would somewhat drag me away from the situation I am in and physically show me that there is more to life..

It probably doesn’t help that I am coming down with something and look like rudolf the red nose reindeer!

Sorry for the rant! How are you ladies this evening?

Michelle,

I agree, everyone has their own timelines and there is absolutely nothing wrong with women choosing whatever they think is best for them regarding their fertility! My mum had her youngest aged 40! It is possible of course, just not something i’d actively consider for myself. I’ve always been the type of woman to yearn for a home and family.. I’ve been ‘broody’ so to speak since I can remember haha!

That is some interesting questions you are asking though, and actually it is putting things into perspective for me when looking at things from a different angle.. Do I think he’s ready to be a dad? No I don’t think he is. I think he is truthful in admitting that he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the next few years. I don’t doubt that he would be a good dad regardless, but yes he just isn’t in the space right now where I feel he would be able to cope with the situation, the responsibility, having to support me etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly ready right now either and I if roles were reversed and he pushed for trying right now I’d have to politely decline BUT in the same way I am planning for the future and I’d like to think that 2020/2021 is a good time for me to consider having children.

I think in a nutshell the more I explore all of the areas regarding this relationship, the more I realise just how much is missing? I don’t know if that’s the way to put it… Perhaps there are core pieces to this relationship that are lacking with no real sign of resolve. Which is indeed a shame as on a general note, we are okay. I think maybe we just outgrew one another? At some point in our relationship his steps forward stopped and hung about in that same spot until now, I slowed down for a little while in the hope that eventually he would catch up but now he is so far behind and I’ve began walking forward again.. And yet the heart breaks the same at the thought of us not being together. Its so frustrating isn’t it this up and down!

I actually found my diary the other day which I lost in the process of the move and I journalled loads in there, wrote weekly motivational quotes etc. And I flipped through to my birthday week and on the day wrote a note, ‘Chapter 26! Are you better? Are you happy? Are you loved?’ I remember writing that note a year ago, when I was writing it I thought i’d be in a completely different place this time next year! And instead I sat there thinking, Are you better? Kinda, Are you happy? Umm, kinda? Are you loved? Kinda?! I’ve got to make sure that chapter 26 is a different one for me.

Shelby, are you okay!? How are you enjoying time off of work now? Did you manage to resolve things with your sister?

Look forward to hearing from you x

Hi Michelle,

Sorry for the delay in response, work has been way too much for me recently! Some real ag between myself and my bosses currently and so my emotions are an absolute rollercoaster.

To answer your questions, I have no clue lol. He is 100000000% committed, so he says, but not in a rush to get married or have children. I think it ties in closely with his hypothetical approach to everything else in life and that those things will simply just happen to him at some point down the line. The issue with that is, he seems to be under the impression that one day (sometime in the future) will be a better day to approach all of these things. Now whilst he may be right that there is a time for everything in life, I do also think he is being extremely naive to think there will come a day where he will feel like he is mature enough/old enough/ has achieved enough/settled enough to proceed with this future… He’s waiting for an epiphany in a nut shell.

For me, I’ve always been quite an organised person. I love putting my ideas into action, my goals into plans and working hard on things to achieve my dreams. No matter how long it will take me, I know if I am working towards those things I am happy, because I will get there in the end. So when we were having one of our discussions some few weeks ago I made a point about the fact that if we remain together, I would like to be in a position in which I am ‘not trying but not preventing’ pregnancy at around the end of 2020/ beginning of 2021. I will be 27/28 at that point, I have had my fair share of partying, holidaying, I now have a settled job, a ‘long term relationship’, there isn’t really anything else that I would like to do with my life before I welcome children but I would like the next year/ two years to enjoy my free time and enjoy the flat, if we remain together. Well he freaked out to say the least, ‘my goodness, that’s so soon! You’re in such a rush?! How will we raise children in this flat?! I am not having children until I have a mortgage, I am not having children until I am married etc etc etc.’

So soon? Two years is soon? Would’ve been together 6 going on 7 years at that stage… I will be approaching my thirties, more than reasonable if you ask me.

There is also that that i’d always dreamt of being married by 30. And yes granted life doesn’t always go to plan but if i am to be in a 7 year long relationship with no significant sign of commitment then i’d rather be by myself in all honesty.

We just cannot agree on it to be honest and its come to a point where it isn’t a compromise for me anymore, it is a deal breaker and he is aware of that. I had ‘waited around’ the last four years in the hope that we were both young and stupid and eventually things will naturally progress. I am not throwing that in his face as it was my choice BUT as time goes on, you grow older, you grow up and your priorities change, different things become important to you and those are the things that are important to me, if he cannot meet me half way then he will just have to continue without me.

Hi Javairia,

Loosing yourself is a very real thing and it happens to the best of us.

Try to look at it from a different angle, perhaps you are just evolving rather than loosing yourself. The thing about life is that nothing is ever for certain, things can change within a split second and with that in mind people do also change/evolve.

In this process, it is okay to realise that certain friendships/relationships are no longer serving you. It is okay to go ahead and explore who you are in this present moment, what drives you, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.

Changing doesn’t mean that you are no longer a good person as long as you yourself know the goodness of your heart and always act out of kindness. Otherwise sit with yourself for a little bit, ask yourself why the changes, what is your soul trying to get you to see..

Hi Shelby,

Sorry to hear that you’re experiencing anxiety again!

What happened with your sister? The thing about siblings is sometimes things can become unfiltered, because they’re family right? Often we feel we are almost entitled to say things we wouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t share the same blood because they’re bound to forgive us! With that being said, there is some truth in that and I’m sure whatever was said/done WILL be forgiven and forgotten about in a little while. It may be worth thinking whether the argument is worth you two not speaking to one another.. Perhaps be the bigger person and reach out to resolve the issue before you head to OZ?

The breakup can indeed affect all aspects of your life I think.

It certainly did mine when me and Mr A split. And although not broken up now the unhappiness is very much affecting all aspects of my life. I am growing more and more unhappy at work, amongst friendships, just generally I’m miserable..

Yeah it’s definitely not fair that the expectation for you to look after your dad is 100% on you… I suppose though it is what everyone is used to so it’s hard for them to see any alternatives at the moment.

I think that’s where the whole ‘learning curve’ comes in to learn to put ourselves first sometimes.. as tough as it may be.

I understand the frustration around your friendships, I’m feeling a little bit like that myself too. Since all the happenings of last year I very much secluded myself from everyone, and despite being the biggest social butterfly a lot of people hadn’t even noticed I was gone for near enough a year! I mean what does that say about my friendships?!

and now, I easily fall back into my isolated ways although now I know they don’t serve me in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE me some alone time when I have a lot on but I purposefully try to get myself out of the house so to not fall back into old habits and even then it proves difficult because everyone is tied up with their own lives. I suppose that’s just the way it goes? Who knows..

it is what it is.

I do still think you’re extremely brave to be taking on the travel plans by yourself! Honestly, I couldn’t admire you more for it! I do believe it will be such a soul searching experience and I cannot wait to hear about all of your adventures. I am happy for you that you have taken this leap into the unknown and are diving into it head first, fear or no fear. It’s the definition of brave. So whilst people have their two cents and opinions, just remember that sometimes you have to look after YOU first before you can look after anyone else.