@shelbyville,

You want to contact him because it is the last thread you’re holding on to of what was. Unconsciously, there is that hope in the back of your mind that maybe if you do contact him and be honest about your struggle or how you’re feeling he will tell you he feels the same and that perhaps you should just be together because it is too painful.

In times like this, you need to sit down and reflect. Take him off the pedestal and remember why the relationship didn’t or wouldn’t work anyway. As horrible as it is, list out all of the reasons why you weren’t compatible (i.e you would never get from him what you want in terms of progress so in the end you’d be held back and unhappy and he would be under pressure to move forward and unhappy).

It is a frustrating situation because in my head I think if he loves me, then why is it so difficult for him to commit to progress in making a life/future with me?! Surely this should come naturally no? It has for me! But unfortunately we can’t change people’s wants/needs and some just aren’t capable of giving us what we need, regardless of how much that hurts!

You have been doing ever so well! If we can’t accept the current circumstances, we must at least try and trust the process a little bit! Believe me, if you and your ex are meant to speak at some point, you will.

@shelbyville,

I am absolutely exhausted. I’m on the train home now from the airport and the whole commotion of going back and forth to try and buy tickets then rush to get on the bus to the train station and then changing from train to train.. And then it reminded me of how easy it was with him. He’d always get me from the airport with a smile on his face!

I think it’s sad that these everyday situations can bring you the biggest pain. It just goes back to what we said about nobody actually cares about how shitty my day has been etc!

I’ve found a whole load of inspirational quotes! I wish I could share with you girls but I don’t think there’s an option to upload photos on here!

@shelbyville,

Yeah that is the issue. We think that contact them is going to make them magically change their mind and things are just going to spring back to how they used to be. But that has a lot to do with us not accepting the situation as it is right now.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you’re tired of being miserable. It’s sooooo frustrating!!! Quite frankly I’m getting so tired of feeling like sh** every single day and sulking over my loss! I just want to feel better and at least start enjoying the little things again!

@Victoria,

I’m sorry that you’ve been in tears! I know exactly how difficult this is. Honestly I think I would rather someone physically hurt me than to feel this excruciating emotional pain! Is that sad?!

I’ve been wanting for him to reach out to me for days on end! And he finally has and what has it really changed?! Nothing, as expected. I’ve mentioned that previously in my posts, knowing that speaking with one another isnt exactly going to change the situation that we are in. Instead it was a very brief hi and bi and quite frankly I wish now I never even responded in the first place. I should’ve been the bigger person and ignored it. He just decided to suddenly remember about me because he got back from his silly ‘lads weekend’ and back to shitty reality. It’s probably suddenly hit home that not everyday is going to look like his fabulous weekend away because every single one of his friends is going back home to their girlfriend/ wife whilst he’s going home to an empty bed, out of choice. Idiot.

I am just so beyond drained at this point ladies. This weekend has taken a whole load out of me. Not only trying to play the happy woman but also all of the maid of honour duties + the fact that he was supposed to be here with me. All of the questions, to top it off one of the other bridesmaids is actually his manager at work! So as you can imagine it just gets even more complicated! She knows he’s taken time off to go away and yet he’s not here with me.. I have so many questions I can’t even answer. So many excuses I can’t even make for him anymore…

Bottom line is I wish we weren’t where we are right now. I wish my heart didn’t break every single day because I’m constantly reminded of him. I wish for this to just pass now…

Shelby & Victoria, I hope you have both been somewhat okay over the weekend! I will catch up on the posts tomorrow but until then, you girls have been my absolute rocks through this! And for that I thank you x

Girls, I couldn’t stop crying at the wedding today! I’ve literally just come back from the bathroom because I couldn’t stop. Seeing th happy couple, people asking why he isn’t with me, having to walk down the isle by a strange groomsman rather than him, all who know him too and know he’s not here! And to top it off he’s reached out to say ‘sorry I know I can’t be popping up like so but I just wanted to know If your menstal state is okay?’ I said well you aren’t really messaging me about my mental state so what is it?!’ And he said ‘never mind’ okay bye then. Asshole.

This is too much for me too cope.

Hiya ladies,

Yes tomorrow is the day the two love birds tie the knot! I’m looking forward to the ceremony although mostly I’m just looking forward to the following day and flying back home and back to my bed!

I’m finding my mind wandering off at the moment to what he may be doing right now, who he may be entertaining and it’s breaking my heart. F**k, I really don’t want to live without this man! Why doesn’t he just fix up?! The thought of him with someone else is actually making me feel physically sick and I don’t even know why my brain allows these thoughts to wander around!

Sorry if I sound soppy right now! I’m having a particularly hard time with all this! I feel like I’ve been so brave and rational headed in the days upcoming to what would’ve been our anniversary and now I’m just getting worse with each day!

Victoria,

That is one hell of a story. I think it’s fair to say that you did what you thought was best for you at the time, this doesn’t make it any less hurtful though! I actually read somewhere that hreatbreak tends to be more painful for the person initiating the split because of all the confusion and what if’s that lie behind the decision, almost like if this really is the end then it is on you (although me & Shelby will probably agree that being on the reciprocating end is absolutely excruciating).

I think you’re very brave to embark on this journey to healing and self discovery by yourself. I did mention in one of my earlier posts that I experience what I call a ‘black hole’ similar to what you have described above. I literally spiral out of control with thoughts & anxiety and in turn I act out in ways where I don’t even recognise myself once the episode has passed. In those times I run to him for safety and that isn’t fair nor is it healthy. He can’t save me, I need to save myself. And the same applies to you, you’re aware that there are some issues you’re dealing with and you’ve made the brave choice to deal with those and be your own, full and happy person before deciding to commit yourself to another! That is a wonderful and selfless act so good on you girl!

I’m on my way to the airport and have hardly slept. I kept dreaming that he’s calling and in turn that’s this brought up anxiety that maybe my subconscious is telling me that he’s tried to reach out but he’s blocked? So now my mind is in overdrive! When does this end????!!!

Hi Victoria,

Thank you for your insight! I do hope I actually somewhat enjoy this weekend rather than constantly find myself thinking what he is up to at the moment whilst on his weekend away.. So far, that’s all I’ve managed to think about all evening! The one good thing is, I think, as I previously mentioned that I have blocked him for the first time. This will mean that I am not taken aback by any potential drunken messages or anything of that sort.. it would take him an awful lot to find some sort of way to contact me at the moment, although I doubt he would anyway.

You mentioned that it was your choice to end things. Do you mind filling us in on your situation a little bit? I have managed to have a read through your thread but I notice you don’t go into much detail about the break up itself.