When you put it like that, no I don’t think my best chance at a fulfilled and happy life is with this man. Because ultimately how can I be fulfilled when I’m lacking everything I want and need which is progress? BUT I would still do it because I love him. And he loves me. And he does make me happy in other ways!

Sounds an awful lot like settling right?

You’re doing just fine! Glam up and enjoy your dinner! I’m only a message away if you need a pick me up 🙂

I think you’re right. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to break the news directly to them, but I also think it shouldn’t be your responsibility to cover up the tracks of his actions. He has made his bed, now he can lay in it with all the questions from everyone!

Perhaps just find out what the reason for her message was?

Shelby,

Yes it does feel like that sometimes. Not only like you’re not making any real progress but also actually feeling worse than you originally did. I’ve been through it, probably much worse than you because of the stupid light contact situation. BUT please continue reminding yourself that those are only moments. We have shitty moments, and then we have moments that are not so shitty.. not great but nonetheless ones where we are able to survive!

Also, thank you for sharing that with me. That does provide a sensible insight into what is going on here. Quite frankly, my ex sounds a whole load like your ex in this aspect of things! Yesterday during our conversation he openly said that he is willing to try and do all the things I’ve wanted him to. But I know better, I know he is doing exactly what I was doing. Which is considering the idea that doing things out of his comfort zone is the lesser of two evils if it means that he has me by his side. Ultimately, that facade will soon disappear and the feelings of being rushed or put under pressure on his end will resurface and problems will arise again. Because I know he cannot pull through on this promise, it is just not in his nature. Like your therapist explained, that is not who he is and in the long run he’d be unhappy.. And I too would be unhappy because I yet again am having to settle for less than what I want.

I always thought when I heard people say ‘we split up because we were on different life paths’ or ‘we wanted different things’ was so cliché. Like what?! If you love eachother and your relationship was great then surely you can work around the different life paths and wants to get to where you both want to be?! Until it happened to me, and I get it now. There are just some things we cannot force.

Have you realised I’m all rational at the moment? It’s like I’ve shut my heart out completely in my thought process. I wonder how long this will last hehe.. Don’t be surprised if I come back later on crying my eyes out again!

Shelby,

Honestly feeling like the world is going to end is completely normal, at least I think so. That’s what I refer to as my ‘dark place’. I spiral completely into a different zone where nothing matters, it’s a very scary place to be and although not solely because of him he plays a major part in this and then the idea of running to him each time for his help. And I think the same goes for you, like you say the only thing that got you through last time is the idea of reconciliation with him. You need to get to a point where you realise he cannot save you. It’s a hard pill to swallow and will take time, I only got there recently and I hope you get there too. Until then, when having a worse moment remind yourself that that’s all it is, a moment and it’ll pass. I’m glad you’re feeling somewhat better this morning.

The rational mind is most definitely clouded a lot of time when going through heart break. But I suppose that’s normal?

Honestly more than anything I just am so tired of this whole ordeal now, feeling like absolute shit for so long and I want to heal. I want to heal so badly. And I’m afraid that he will only ruin that process rather than help.. this is what’s holding me back.

Also what’s stuck with me is the comment from your therapist about had you been in your 20’s you would’ve given him more time. I’m in that boat and I realise that getting back with him will only get me back here in a few years time because he is the ‘never ready type’..

Shelby,

I too am feeling a little bit rubbish. If I’m honest, I caved into all sorts of temptation this evening and actually agreed to meet up with him.

The idea made sense to me at the time, and it still does to an extent. The popping up, the last few weeks everything has gotten too much. I have blocked him and he still found a way to contact me despite the fact that he is the reason why we are in this situation in the first place. My peace of mind (although I’ve been nowhere near peaceful, but surviving) has become so important to me, and I’ve acknowlegded that any kind of contact sets me back completely and it needed to stop. I needed to tell him face to face that this needs to stop. So I agreed to meet.

We went and had a quiet dinner where he attempted to explain what had changed in his mind in the last week or so and why the sudden urge to make things right right away. I sat and acknowledged everything he said and then it just clicked. I wasn’t the same person anymore. My heart still loves him very very deeply. Sure enough I’m going to be crying this one out for a long time still BUT my rational mind has won..

Where normally all the things he’d say would touch my heart, they didn’t this time. Even he himself was so shocked at my whole body language, responses and everything and mentioned that he can see he’s really pushed me over the finish line this time. He looked sad, and lost, and I know he tried to hide the tears in his eyes, it’s a shame I know him all to well. And normally, seeing him like that would break me and I would do anything in that instant to make him happy.. but I didn’t, not this time.

My head won Shelby. And quite frankly, I have no idea how to deal with that now. Because I am still very much hurting for this man so why am I just not going for it? Has enough damage really been done now? Does my rationale just know better?

He has asked that I take some time to think things through properly. He promised he will no longer bother me as he can see that clearly I don’t want to be contacted right and said that he would wait for me hoping to see me on the other end. He asked that if I choose to give things another shot that I contact him in the next few weeks, if I don’t reach out, that’ll be his answer.

To be honest, I can’t imagine reaching out to him for any reason other than a moment of weakness. Not meaning that it is because I want to give things another shot. I really don’t think I can. I would love to more than anything in the world but I know where this ends.. my gut feeling, my instinct and my mind are telling me this!

I’ve been so lost in this place of despair and hurt for so long I’m not quite sure what to even think of any of this. Is it possible that the battle between the mind & heart is finally over?! I honestly don’t know, because I can guarantee that I’ll be crying over the loss soon enough again!

Ah okay.. so basically a meaningless conversation? What a shame. But yes, it does say a lot about where you are both at at the moment.

I think that I am going to stick to the no contact because I find I feel 100x worse after any contact at all, even if it is meaningless.

It is tough.. as I reached out to him today and now I am so angry at myself for it! He has absolutely messed with my head and I wish he never found a way to contact me in the first place! I am so upset with myself and at the situation in general.. this really does need to end now!

Shelby,

And you’re right yet again! I KNOW you are. But then there’s my heart telling me I’ve messed it up now because I’ve actually stood my ground and refused to settle for less. And now I won’t even have the option to just settle and manage with the lack of what I want as long as I have him..

It is absolutely beyond me why rationally I can acknowledge I have done the wrong thing but emotionally I am so broken over my response to him! What the hell is actually going on! Emotions are really messed up!

I think the loss of your relationship has made you also loose some self esteem. Don’t forget, you are a wonderful woman and your ex fell in love with you for a reason! Probably because you are exactly all those things! Confident & outgoing! You’re just in a different place at the moment that’s all!

I hope your weekend pampering session and dinner with your sisters will remind you just how wonderful you really are all on your own! Also, I do recommend the gym. Although I’ve lost weight completely the unhealthy way (as I just couldn’t hold anything down for weeks on end so refused to eat all together) the weight loss itself has boosted my self esteem a little. I feel better in the things I wear and it was such an amazing feeling to fit into jeans I haven’t fit into for 4 years! I think it made my day!

In regards to self worth.. I think you and I both need to remind ourselves that our worth doesn’t depend on whether these men see it! We ARE worthy! I mean look at us! We’ve done everything and anything for these guys! Even as far as completely ignoring our own needs just so they can have theirs fulfilled! That’s so selfless!

And maybe one day, someone will come along who actually appreciates everything we do for them! I hope?