Morning ladies,

Apologies for the recent lack of communication. Work is draining to say the least. I’m out of the house for 12 hours a day and it is an extremely mentally draining & demanding job so I don’t even have a moment to myself whilst at work and once I get home it’s shower, cook, bed – what a life eh?! Back in this shitty rat race. Honestly that’s one thing I absolutely hate about this country! Is that you are expected to work such long hours and basically have no life only to be scratching your make ends meet!

That partnered with the trigger date/anniversary coming up next weekend again has pushed me to take some mental health evenings after work and just complete shut off. Yesterday was quite bad actually as I seem to be doing okay most days until my PtSd kicks in full frontal and it honestly feels like emotional/mental abuse – except it’s my own brain doing it to me. So that happened yesterday which I then in turn cancelled all my plans and sat there completely withdrawn from the world. @shelbyville – clearly right there with ya with the flight response!

I’m trying my hardest not to let myself dwell because it’s very easy to get in the cycle of ‘see! I’m never going to get better no matter how well I seem to be doing I always end up here’ but there ya go! Also feeling rather strange lately in a sense that I’m coming to some sort of realisation that actually I’m ‘floating’ through life. I’m not actually living, like purposefully walking through my life. I’m just doing. Working, cleaning, cooking, trying to get back to friends etc etc but my soul is so distant from it all.
So once again, apologies for going awol!

@michelle, it is definitely freezing here in the UK. I actually feel like I am coming down with something as a result. My family actually haven’t left yet, it seems packing their life up and going back home is a little more complicated – and I think a big part of that is my mum wanting to extend her stay here just to make sure that I’m doing okay and settled.. so their official date has moved to July of this year once my little sister finishes the school year. And to be honest, I am so grateful and so happy about this because I honestly cannot quite picture them not being here…

@Shelbyville, how are you getting on?

@shelbyville & @michelle

Happy new year ladies! How are you both doing?!

@shelbyville,

Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.

I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.

In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!

I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.

@shelbyville,

Sorry I promise I’ll respond to the rest shortly BUT what?!!! He actually text you?!

How do you feel about that?!

I remember Mr A tried to do things like this also when we were apart, granted we never went more than sort of a week or two with no communication and even then I thought it was cheeky. To go on a whole 7 months cold turkey and then send that text message…. hmm.

I do recall you saying quite a few times though that he always tried to be the good guy and do the ‘right thing’ etc which didn’t always pan out the way he may have wanted but that he always had the best of intentions. I wonder what he may expect from you at this point because he’s just really thrown a spanner into the works hadn’t he. I don’t know if he realises he may have done more harm than good by trying to make this ‘right’ move…

Are you going to reply?

@shelbyville,

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Wishing you a year full of healing, a happy and rested soul, plenty laughter and adventures and for all of your wishes to come true!!! This WILL be a good year!!

Gosh, my interview! I spent the entire day sooooooo nervous I visited the loo 7 times! Haha! I’ve gotta laugh at it now! But I went and the director who was interviewing me made me feel instantly relaxed, in fact we actually had a really really good talk and laughed through most of it! So I think it went really well! He did mention that he’s seeing a few more candidates next Monday and that he’ll be making a decision then! I’m hoping that I get it as work atmosphere is really important & he really smashed it in that department! It’s also pretty close to home which is great! So now it’s just the waiting game!

How are you?!

@shelbyville,

Hey chick! It’s nice to hear from you! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet myself, things have just been so stressful on my end with finances etc. I’ve been looking for work since October and it just seemed like nothing/no one was getting back to me which then kinda killed my self confidence a little, I won’t lie. In any case, I’ve got an interview on Monday and I am sh**ting it to say the least as I’ve not done this in about two years (also cause I am super desperate for this job) so I hope it goes well! Other than that I’ve kinda been keeping myself to myself, evenings under the blanket & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

How is your temp job going? Are you enjoying that it’s something festive & different? I’ve always enjoyed a temp role because there isn’t that much pressure as you know it’s not long term! Also, sorry to hear about this new guy! What made you come to that conclusion in the end? How comes you decided to end it completely? Was the spark just not there?

Yes it’s definitely not nice not having an income. I think slightly different for you as you spent your well earned money on a life-changing trip whilst I’m literally sitting at home, forever cleaning & cooking and absolutely rinsing every single Netflix series there is because I am simply bored! && yet the rent and bills aren’t going to pay themselves (although Mr A has been great & is very much taken on the role of ‘provider’ lol).

It is actually interesting that you mention the whole idea of maybe I might be preventing my own self from being happy despite ‘thinking’ that a relationship & commitment is actually what I want…. it’s definitely something I might explore. I think one of the things that I kinda noticed only a year or so ago is that my relationship with my biological father may have had some sort of knock on effect on my romantic relationships in my adult life. I think the fact that he was in my life up until I was 18 (that was his unconditional love for me right? The father to child love right?) and then disappeared without a trace with absolutely no need/want to be a part of my life… I think that hit me hard and perhaps sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel that. It’s something I never quite understood but nonetheless moved on from and it definitely isn’t something I think about often anymore. But I do believe that all the happenings around my trauma and the way Mr A left at the time felt very much like just another man who I trusted with my absolute life has decided I’m no longer good enough, he’s ‘done his bit’ and now he’s out. And with that I just cannot trust him in the way that I did before maybe? Im not sure. They’re all just notions aren’t they… I do think another thing for me is like we’ll be okay and then the future thing, that God damn future notion, it really is an issue!!!! We can go on and on and on and be absolutely fine and then I’ll get random spurs of OMG I NEED TO PLAN MY FUTURE! What are our plans?! Where is this going?! Are we on the same page?! And I read a beautiful article on Instagram actually that I really related to, and it said; ‘You can’t win an argument against your true nature, there is no wrestling your soul into a space with no growth and you cannot tell your spirit that she’ll have to wait because you are in love’… and that really resonated with me. Perhaps yes I really do want this to work by any and all means but my soul is just all round rejecting it because ultimately I cannot contain or restrain who I am at the core of me. I want what I want and that is just it. And the longer I try to excuse why it isn’t happening, or come up with reasons to remain in a place that isn’t actively working towards those things, the more my soul will keep pressing and the more random outbursts of panic I will have….

I understand the thing about not necessarily being alone but not being entirely happy and utterly head over heels in love. I do wonder though, is there absolutely nothing romantic that you see or could see in this guy? Forgive me for assuming because of course like anything, everything is always more complicated than it seems but some of what you say does sound like fear talking. Like you may indeed be cringing at the heart on th sleeve thing. Ultimately, you enjoy this guys time, he clearly makes an effort with you, to make you smile etc. Maybe at this stage it would be best to just take a relaxed approach to the whole thing?? Enjoy your time with him as you have been and let things pan out how they are supposed to without overthinking? I know it’s easier said than done!!

Hey Shelbs,

Sooooo as promised, my reminder popped up on my phone this morning to check in with you – a whole year later! Can you believe it?! Grateful for  crossing paths with you, although some miles away I feel as though you have been a very big part of my journey!

So seeing as we promised to ‘update’ a year later let’s try do exactly that. I think the last year has been one hell of a ride, a whirlwind to say the least. I definitely hit rock bottom, a rock bottom I didn’t even know existed prior to all this but then I came out of it. I think I made some good decisions & some bad which I am seeing now in hindsight, but hey that’s the thing about hindsight isn’t it! I am healing, I am learning everyday about all of my triggers and managing a life with PTSD. Of course I have had my ups and downs in the process but I am alive, I am breathing, I am going forward in whatever small steps I may be taking.

On that note & in response to your previous post, I think my birthday was a particularly difficult time as our family dog (who was with us for 16 years) got quite poorly and she actually passed away the same night so it was quite emotional, it’s still taking some getting used to not having her around when I’m at my mums. Things with Mr A are ‘good’ but more and more there are conversations of being on different pages. In actual fact, the last two or so I have said I wanted out.. that I think it’s for the best that we go our separate ways because I’m growing unhappy as a result of simply outgrowing him. He is holding on for dear life to put it simply, he gets it, he understands, but in his eyes we aren’t on different pages, it’s just our timings are a bit off and therefore we are ‘giving up a good thing’ without actually seeing it through. So who knows, i feel as though things are getting a little clearer for me each and every day. I’ve got this real motivation & strength at the moment to continue practicing my boundaries, follow my gut and do what’s best for me, even if it is scary and the outcome is ultimately unknown.

You though. I cannot put into words how proud I am of you for taking this leap of faith into travel and actually enjoying it. It’s amazing to hear how far you’ve come, even if you don’t think you have. What you are doing is extremely brave & definitely something you will remember for the rest of your life! This is a trip you will be telling your grandkids about in years to come. ‘Nanny went half way around the world by herself!’ It’s incredible.

I hope you’re enjoying your last days of travel & be prepared for the cold back here in the UK, autumn is really taking over in full now!