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November 1, 2018 at 2:47 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234905
KkasxoParticipantVictoria,
Ah okay, see I didn’t get the jist of the idea that he was stalling on commitment before so thank you for clearing that up! That does make sense indeed! And I can even relate to it! My ex could never have a serious conversation about commitment.. He would quite happily entertain a conversation of in the future, but no real talks of how or when we’ll get there.
I hinted a few times about promise rings as I knew he is somewhat a commitment phobe. I liked the idea of a ring (as a piece of jewellery) and also just as a promise between the two of us to be together for the rest of our days. Sort of like I promise (promise ring), I will (engagement ring), I do(wedding ring). I dunno, guess I was a hopeless romantic like that! And even that was too much to ask for haha! I did indeed in the end buy myself my own promise ring! From myself to myself!
To be honest, not many people know of the trauma that lies behind our initial break up as I find it very difficult to talk about or deal with so I won’t go in depth. However all I can say is the situation which caused our break up was awful. I lost everything in the process of it. His family (who I had a great relationship with previously) turned very nasty against me completely taking his side whilst he acted like a little boy allowing them to make all decisions for him. Essentially he was faced with a decision, me, or them and in a nutshell he chose them whilst I was left to pick up the pieces of my loss, my grief and trauma. I’m still nowehere near close to recovery, as I have previously mentioned I spiral into very very dark moments where I do think of the ultimate escape.. it is a scary place to be.
So essentially my headspace right now is I am angry and resentful towards him for ever allowing the situation to occur in the first place, for standing by his family without saying a word whilst being fully aware that what they’re doing is emotional abuse and then leaving me suicidal for so long to deal with the outcome of his mistakes. He was the one person I trusted with every single aspect of my life and I never ever expected anything like this to happen and for that reason I don’t think I could trust him with my heart or life ever again. He will just run exactly like he did at the next hurdle – even though he says he wont his track record isn’t great right?!
My heart loves the man he was before all of this. The man that I was with for three years. The man he is today? I pity him. I pity him because although I lost everything in the process, he lost the one good thing in his life because he couldn’t be a man about stuff and face up to the situation. He knows this now and has admitted it several times. He knows I was too good for him and he knows he will never find anyone like me again, so he is remorseful. But its not enough to make him change his ways in regards to life plans/commitment.
October 31, 2018 at 2:34 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234845KkasxoParticipantVictoria,
You mention that you bought your own ring, but why? Didn’t he want to propose to you? Do you think it’s just a fear thing in the end? You want these things but you don’t want to take the leap of faith and dive in to them head first?
I’m trying to better understand your situation so please by all means correct me if I’m wrong! At the moment it looks as though you most definitely don’t want to be without him, however you’re not sure if you could 100% be with him. Whether that be due to your personal goings-on, we mentioned a few times in the thread noticing toxic behaviour in ourselves that requires work in our own time, or due to the influences of your family, or simply just because of stresses of everyday life I.e uni. It seems as though you have pushed him further and further away because you need time to figure yourself out but at the same time you very much want him to show you that he cares and that he wants the relationship to work. (Btw I’m just trying to decipher your situation, please let me know if I’ve got it all wrong).
I think you need to really sit down for a moment and conclude on the reasons behind the split. What are the main reasons for this? Are they still very much valid? Is it just the love, desperation and idea of being alone that’s pulling you back to him or do you actually want to work at things? What was it that was lacking in your relationship previously and could it be changed/avoided this time?
I know myself that this one’s a tough one because I’ve been trying to do this myself and I’m even more confused than before but we really do need to figure this out once and for all.
Heartbreak is so confusing & it bloody sucks!
I think all in all I’m so over the idea of love. And if I’ve learnt one thing from this experience is that nothing, absolutely nothing in life is ever certain. I was SOOOOOOOOO sure that me and him we’re the real deal. I would’ve cut of an arm and a leg I was that confident. And then he failed me in the biggest way possible. Shock. So there it is, we’ve just gotta enjoy every moment while it lasts because the next could look completely different! I’ve learnt that now.
October 31, 2018 at 1:18 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234837KkasxoParticipantVictoria,
Welcome back doll! Regarding gym, if I’m honest Ive never been a big gym goer so I kind of just go with the flow. I do a bit of the standard cardio (treadmill, bike etc) and then try to incorporate some weight exercises mainly for legs/bum and arms etc. I’m not great at it but I welcome the distraction so I would definitely recommend! And it is always nice to find yourself fitting into jeans you thought you’d never get into again!
It’s actually different but nice to hear people who may relate to my ex. I have a friend who is a hopeless romantic but on the other hand very focused on her career and is quite money motivated. Her life goals too have gotten in the way of her relationships previously and she herself has admitted that although she knows the way she does things is wrong, she can’t seem to do them differently! And perhaps that is what my ex feels also..
What are your current thoughts? Are you 100% in for the reconciliation? If so, I would say definitely go ahead with the weekend away! It’ll be nice to just spend some time together and get back to basics!
As for me, I’m no different I guess to where I was when we last spoke. The only difference probably is that my ex now feels slightly more comfortable reaching out to me. He makes sure to tell me good morning and goodnight every day which surprisingly I find odd and I ignore.
I must say I have found myself awfully closed off from him this time round. He even laughed earlier and called me Mrs One Word Anwers because I just don’t have the energy to entertain his efforts right now.. is that bad?! I don’t know if this is a sign that I am actually done with the relationship.
Its taking me by surprise because a reconciliation with him was all I dreamt of UNTIL it actually happened and now I have no clue what to do with it, or if I even want it.
Shelby – how are you feeling this evening? Has the anxiety eased off a little?
October 30, 2018 at 1:15 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234585KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes I didn’t realise it was such a common occupancy until I stumbled upon this forum. Seems awfully selfish to me as Azu mentioned previously that family members and parents in particular put this kind of pressure on their sons.
My parents never held me back in anything. If anything, they encouraged me to go out into the world on my own so that they can see for themselves that I’m managing. So that they do not have to worry. Whereas it seems that a lot of mothers tend to do quite the opposite with their sons and instead baby them for as long as possible. Men being the comfortable beings that they are enjoy this. I must remind myself that if I ever have a son I do not become that kind of mother.
Thats really kind of your therapist actually! You must have quite a good relationship with him which is nice! I’m still waiting on my appointment unfortunately but I do feel a bit apprehensive about really opening up to a stranger about all of my minds up and downs. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Work was hard today. I couldn’t really focus on anything if I’m honest. I’m not sure if depression is really surfacing now or if I’ve gone into some kind of autumn hibernation where I just want to eat and sleep. I’ve put on a couple of pounds in the last week or due to complete lack of activity bar leaving my house to get in my car and drive to work. So after contemplating for what felt like forever I convinced myself to go to the gym.
Ive just come back and I’m planning a nice hot bath and back to my safe place (bed) with some Netflix!
What are you ladies up to this evening?
October 30, 2018 at 9:53 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234541KkasxoParticipantAzu,
May I ask what culture that is? Perhaps it’s the same in his although this has never been brought up in conversation before and his older brother has been living on his own since the age of 16, he’s now 35!
He is definitely tied in with the family loads and unfortunately that’s never going to change. I know this because I see the behaviour of his older siblings who although have their own lives to some extent still revolve their life completely around the parents & one another (siblings). I never paid much attention to it throughout our relationship, in fact I adored the close knit family that they were for a while. Since the break up I see things more clearly now. This man cannot offer me a future, not the kind of future that I want/need anyway.
October 30, 2018 at 7:30 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234497KkasxoParticipantAzu,
Yes I guess in some aspects my ex partner sounds a little bit like yours. The only difference is my ex is a very determined and goal oriented individual – absolute workaholic! He knows exactly what he wants from life (mainly materialistic things) and he knows exactly how he is going to get there. The issue with that is that he is also in no rush to get there!
For example, he’s furthering his career by educating himself and he’ll happily work 7 days a week to earn as much as possible towards his goal of a mortgage. BUT even if this time next year he can afford a mortgage, he just will not go for it because at this point the goal will change. The goal will now be well seeing as I’ve gotten this far why not work another year or two and save even more money so that the mortgage is then cheaper? And so on and so forth.
In addition to that, his timeline seems to be a bit off with mine. I dream of being married before I’m 30 (obviously life has its own plans but in an ideal world I’d like to tie the knot aged 29) so not long to go. He on the other hand can’t see himself properly settling down like that until his thirties at least because why?
And to further add to that point he is very deeply influenced by his family. My goodness, their opinion is absolute gold to him and at this point in time his parents are very financially dependant on him as his mother refuses to work. (It makes me angry just writing that) so he feels obliged to continue living at home and supporting his family rather than being out there building a life with me. So in that sense, I am not and will never be his priority.
In a nutshell, he’s a loving and determined workaholic with many many goals but no rush to achieve them and someone who will forever ask his families opinion/ permission to make decisions in his life. And for those reasons + the trauma around our break up I don’t believe we will work.
It’s funny I actually said to him at one point, in an ideal world it would’ve been perfect for us to have met in our thirties when you have your mortgage and everything else sorted and you’ve managed to cut the umbilical cord from your mother, make decisions for yourself and I could just come into your perfect little life. And he actually agreed. Because he wants me to sit around and wait for him to achieve everything in his life using the excuse that he is doing this for us.
I did tell him though, one day you’re going to sit in your beautiful brand new mortgaged house all by yourself because you were so busy making a living that you forgot to make a life.. very sad but very true.
We differ in a sense that I could live in a flat share for the rest of my life if it meant that we were together, because everything makes more sense when you have someone to share all the ups and downs with your significant other. Whereas he is so focused on everything else and will not focus on building a life with someone.
October 30, 2018 at 6:54 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234487KkasxoParticipantAzu,
The issue with my ex partner is that he has an idea of what he wants his life to look like and is not prepared to make any adjustments or compromises when it comes to that. So it’s a matter of I either tag along and wait for when his plans/needs are met so that he can finally focus on mine or I can walk now.. Nonetheless, that wasn’t the reason for our split. We were still quite happy and content as I wasn’t really in a rush to get to where I want to be so I was okay with waiting around on him in a sense, as long as I knew that my wants/needs would be met somewhere down the line.
The idea of progress has become more of an issue and more prominent after our split. Because now I’m actually taking into consideration the kind of life that I want for myself and questioning whether he can actually give me that. For once in my life I am putting myself first. Oh and then there is the trauma surrounded by the main and only reason of the split which I can’t seem to forget or forgive him for. He failed me in so many different ways around the time of our split and I just don’t think I could ever trust him with my heart again because he destroyed it.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling rubbish today but I must say you are one brave woman taking your life and destiny back into your own hands! Much braver than me anyway.
It takes a very brave person to walk away from the person they love because the relationship is no longer serving them. It also sounds like you are somewhat managing to keep your rational thinking cap on and understand that anger/emotions/hurt are all just a part of this draining process!
I think I’ve gotta take some lessons from yourself!
October 30, 2018 at 6:28 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234481KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Thank you. I hope I find direction too as it is very much needed right now but I am just letting my heart and mind lead me in the direction I need to go this time. Like I say, I do think too much has happened at this point for me to want to go back but who knows, time will tell.
You have indeed gone through a lot the last few days! But I feel like you needed that in order to move forward and heal as best as you can and I wish you a speedy road to recovery from this awful period of your life.
In the mean time, keep journaling! We are here for one another and I am grateful for that!
October 30, 2018 at 5:21 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234469KkasxoParticipantShelby,
My heart is just as lost and tired as it was before. Seems I cant win in the situation that I am in. It appears I can’t be with him but I also struggle severely without him so no idea which way I’m going to go.
I just want to be set on one thing now as the unknown is the place which I find most tiring. I suppose its the only place where I am without a source of direction. So that needs to end. Hopefully the next few weeks clear that up for me and lead me in the direction in which I need to go.
October 30, 2018 at 3:20 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234457KkasxoParticipantShelby,
This should be a proud moment for you! You have faced up to your anxiety despite all the negative things that it was telling you! Well done 🙂
I hope the rest of your day goes smoothly!
October 29, 2018 at 1:50 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234385KkasxoParticipantBrandy & Valora,
Thank you ladies for joining in. That is some really good insight! I’m currently reading the book Shelby has recommended before, ‘I can mend your broken heart’ but I’ll give the others a try once this is done.
Shelby – you ask if the contact with my ex is helping or hurting and if I’m honest I think I have to say both. If I’m honest, my mind is done with him. Not only because of the back and forth but also because things are great until we actually get into the nitty gritty and trauma behind the original reason of our split. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he did and the way he left me. This experience has helped me in seeing and coming to terms with that but also it’s painful because my heart still very much wants him. The issue is my mind really cannot see this proceeding any further. I love him yes. Very much so. But I just can’t seem to get past the trauma of the past few months, the trauma that I will have to live with for the rest of my life and the trauma that he allowed me to go through on my own. All the feelings of betrayal, hurt come to light the moment he tries to get close to me. I just cannot let him in anymore and no matter how much I try to understand why he did things the way he did them I just cannot. I realise now that there is nothing in the world that will justify what he did.
It’s really hard..
October 29, 2018 at 7:45 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234267KkasxoParticipantShelby,
What helped me during the initial period is doing exactly what my ex did. He threw himself into work, working long hours, spending time with family and friends, going out, booking weekends away etc and yes, faking it until he made it (or not made it in his case as he has popped up YET AGAIN!!!!!!). Mind you, doing all those things didn’t make me feel any better but they did help to make the days go by. And I think that’s all that it comes down to.
Somewhere at the end of that 5/6 week period where he was faking it and eventually so was I when he popped up I was genuinely shocked. I was still hurt but somewhere I’ve almost accepted things as they were and was quite adamant on moving forward? Of course the heart completely took over in the moment and we started speaking again etc etc.
I’m not a very good example at all as the back and forth still continues with me as silly as it sounds but the point is, keeping busy and distracted is your main focus and will be your main focus for the oncoming weeks/months.
Eventually, you’ll partake in a lot more outings etc because you’ll find that you’ve got nothing better to do. You may still not enjoy them as previously but you’ll find yourself doing them anyway.
Also, journaling! I found that helped a lot. It was an outlet for me and also a way in which no one got hurt. All of the anger, upset, hurt etc had I not journaled it in my own space I would’ve 100% sent to him and made the situation so much worse. Whereas getting things out of me on paper felt like I’m no longer holding them in so it was a win win for me.
October 29, 2018 at 3:15 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234199KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You sound like you’re slowly but surely getting to the point which I am at right now. The i’m tired of this now, c’mon lets keep this moving! And that is a good sign!
Your contact did indeed set you back in your recovery but we’re only human and these things happen so don’t be too hard on yourself! Lesson learnt!
Try to not think too much about what your ex might be feeling right now or how he’s coping with things – I know this one is tough but it’ll only make you feel worse!
Ladies! We really got this! Keep reminding yourself of this a hundred times a day if need be! We cannot and will not give into this feeling of confusion, loss and hurt. We WILL see better days!
Rational mind is well and truly on this morning for me!
October 28, 2018 at 1:24 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233895KkasxoParticipantAzu & Shelby,
God I knew that men are just generally a bit delayed but I didn’t realise the lack of progress happened so often..
I just don’t understand it. Is it just in our nature as women to settle and go above and beyond for our partners? Because they clearly can’t do the same. I would move mountains for my ex if that’s what he wanted yet he’s unable to even give me the security of a future together?
It’s beyond me.
October 28, 2018 at 8:01 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233833KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Unfortunately for us there is no straight forward way or pre-written steps to guide as through this.
Perhaps see this as day 1. Following your conversation yesterday it feels like day 1 so let that be it. Allow yourself to feel shitty, don’t do anything if you don’t fancy it. You’re entitled to go through all the motions of this so try not to be to hard on yourself.
If im honest, I lived off cereal for weeks on end literally. A bowl of cereal kept me going for a day or two, that’s how bad I got. Perhaps make yourself some toast? Keep hydrated too!
There is literally nothing anyone could say or do right now that would make this any better. It really is just something that you have to live through. It sounds weird because I’m nowhere near over my ex, far from it to be honest but I promise you I remember feeling exactly how you feel right now. And honestly, the pain isn’t that anymore. It’s still there, prominent and in my head and heart everyday BUT it isn’t like that anymore. So I guess that may give you hope..
My head and heart is so upside down right now. No decisions made as of yet but I’m observing each and everything he does right now. No changes here unfortunately. Half of me is set on moving on and the other half is holding on by a thread of hope. Who knows eh?!
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