Shelby,

You’re absolutely right in regards to medication. I think for me personally it is the idea that I have never ever been someone who would even thing i’d ever need medication because my mental state is absolutely failing me! Perhaps it is feelings of shame that I can’t in fact get through this without the help? I’m not sure. Nonetheless, I’ve decided so far to not go down that route. I’m sure as I go on to receive my counselling they may perhaps give more insight into what I may need right now to get through this.

I tend to not talk to family about any of this. The idea of them knowing just how bad things are and hurting as a result just breaks me so I stay far away from that and pretend all is ok!

I have only one friend who knows the insides and out of everything and she has been absolutely amazing throughout but yes, I do try to hold off the conversations too as I don’t want to burden her with my depressive self! So all you on Tiny Buddha have been a real life saviour!

Thank you for taking the time out to write with me!

How are you feeling this morning?

Shelby,

Everyone goes through pain and healing differently so try not to think about your ex too much when it comes to this. I’m sure it’s not all smooth sailing for him either but do try to remember that it was his choice, perhaps that makes it easier for him in some way?

We on the receiving end always have unanswered questions because I guess we didn’t see it coming and that can be quite hard to deal with.

It is admirable that despite the pain caused to you you have managed to remain the good hearted person that you are. I too hope that I can find that woman within me one day. Right now I just realise I am a broken individual. And that makes me very sad. I really don’t recognise myself with this immense pain and it seems it’ll never end. I’m not sure how to help myself at this point.

Hi Shelby,

Your therapist is probably right. I guess the healing journey is one I have to take by myself, just in a sense I felt like it was his responsibility to be a part of it because he was the major cause of the trauma.

I often have days when I can push the events into the back of my mind and ‘get on with things’ those are also the days where I’d quite happily reconcile with him. But eventually the truth catches up to me and I realise I am more broken than I allow myself to accept. I need to be honest with myself about this time in my life and I need to face it – it is just a really scary place. I guess in a sense my coping mechanism was to not allow myself to think about it or even be upset about it because quite often those thoughts do lead me to my dark place and then I don’t know how to get myself out, it’s terrifying.

I’m going to chase my counselling appointments on Monday and hopefully they’ll have some good news for me!

I am ready to heal. I want to get better. I need to feel better now.

It is an instereating dream you had. The idea that personality/ looks wise this man was quite similar to your ex and yet not him entirely.. Perhaps your subconscious is trying to open you up to the idea of a new romantic partner somewhere down the line.

Also, you sound like you’ve been doing really well or at least much better since your last contact with your ex. You definitely sound a lot more rational and a lot more determined to coming out of this horrible phase! This is a big step! You should be proud of yourself!

Shelby,

I think what makes the situation more difficult is that the reason behind our split is solely based on the situation we faced back in June & his response/actions around that time.

I do realise I have to heal from the trauma and learn to forgive and it is probably wise (if not necessary) to go at that alone but there is a major part of me who also resents him for allowing me to go through that on my own. He played a major part in breaking me and chose to leave and not even witness the damage he caused. Now, he knows very well just how broken I am and all the feelings circulating within me but I still don’t think he’s capable of helping – even though I do see it as his duty as someone who ‘loved and cared for me’ (or still does) and also someone who caused this in the first place.

He acknowledges that he should’ve never walked away and leave me to pick up the pieces of my shattered self and that he should’ve been there to hold my hand through it, yet I don’t feel he’s really up for the task even now.

I just feel absolutely lost. That’s the best way to describe it.

I’m gonna give the video a go.

Shelby,

Don’t be disappointed in yourself for taking medication for your anxiety. I find many people are so ignorant when it comes to matters of the mind just because you can’t see it. Anxiety is a very real thing and quite frankly if you let it beat you up for long periods of time it could have greater effects on your health! So be proud that you have taken a step towards managing that and helping yourself get through the agony!

You’re absolutely right, heartbreak is isolating, lonely, painful and draining to say the least. The issue is I don’t particularly like to be alone in times like these but I also don’t like to be around people. I feel as though I’m bringing a complete downer to everyone around me because I don’t have it in me to pretend that all is okay anymore so in that sense I’d rather just be on my own and let these feelings flow through me.

I’m having a particularly rough day today. I think  all of the feelings which I’ve locked away in a little box in the back of my mind are resurfacing and slowly eating away at me. If I’m honest it probably started a few days ago. I’m overthinking everything right now and feeling all sorts of pain. I’ve almost gone into a frenzy of reading and crazy research in the hope that I stumble across something that will help me get through this awful time in my life.

This whole thing has made me question how us human beings really go on to deal with traumatic events in our life because I can’t seem to move past mine! I feel lost and almost stuck in this misery for what seems like forever now and I question if I’ll ever really be able to move past it.

I really cannot wait to just be on the other end of all this and be able to say ‘I survived that, I can survive anything’

I hope you’re enjoying your weekend so far and thank you for taking the time out to respond to me!

Shelby,

Those are some very wise words from yourself, thank you. I hope that I can put these into practice sooner rather than later.

I suppose yeah I do feel miles off of the happy life I wish for myself now. Having been in a long term and happy relationship I really thought things were falling into place. I really thought I was well on the road to having all those things – now like you I am the single friend yet again!

Not only single, but completely unable to trust another human being and I feel as though I am incapable of love right now too. I am a completely different person. It really is a shame that I lost it all in the process of ‘love’.

Hi Azu,

I’m glad that you and your ex could have a rational conversation. I find quite often emotions get in the way of these so the fact that you have managed the emotion-less way is a major achievement!

Also, the fact that you are able to embrace the changes and turn them into positivity is truly inspiring! I am in absolute awe of you.

I’m having a really tough morning and can feel myself spiralling into my ‘dark place’. I’ve found myself pondering over the last few months and everything that I lost in the process and truly I just need help. I hope that my counselling sessions begin very soon as I can’t cope with this on my own for much longer!

I feel sad for the innocent woman I was before all of this happened. She was always so happy. full of life and always saw the best in people, now I don’t even recognise myself. The thought and grief of my loss has truly taken over my heart and I don’t know if it is something i’ll ever truly learn to live with.

Victoria,

Yes he definitely did loose his way. He was so occupied in his thoughts that he almost welcomed the fact that his family fought the battle on his behalf. I found this heartbreaking and cowardly and completely childish behaviour. He has very much played on the part of a child who needs protection and the back up of more ‘adultier adults’ as I like to say in order to make decisions for him. I’m afraid that the influence from his family is so large that it’ll never really end..

Even now, in order for us to reconcile there is a great need for me to communicate with his mother. Which partly I understand as obviously he currently lives with her so things would be rather awkward if I stayed etc and didn’t communicate with her at all. However, that is a dealbreaker for him. Me and his family must be okay otherwise I don’t think he could handle continuing the relationship. Talk about complete lack of boundaries!

Quite frankly, I think you’re absolutely right. I am in love with the man I first met and the man that he was throughout our relationship. Not the cowardly little boy who is unable to make his own decisions and hides behind his family who fight his battles for him. Nonetheless, it’s proving difficult to keep trying to remind myself of the man that he has become, all I seem to see is the three years of good rather than the few months of absolutely terrible! And I know this is wrong because there is nothing in the world that could make what he did to me in any way remotely okay. My friends and family who are aware of the situation would murder me for even considering reconciling with him despite the fact that they absolutely adored him!

I am feeling surprisingly okay this morning. Work has been keeping me busy and I am due to meet with a friend later for an intense gym session (she’s more clued up and always pushes me during our workouts) so I am due to be very sore tomorrow!

How are you? Where is your head at today? Any new thoughts/ideas?

Also, I hope @shelbyville is okay! I think this may be the first time I haven’t seen her post at all?