Shelby,

I know what you mean. It’s so frustrating that two people can go from everything to complete strangers within a moment! But ask yourself this question, taking into consideration every aspect of the relationship including this period of heartbreak, what would you actually do if he came back and said let’s give things another try?

Would you feel comfortable with saying yes to that? Or would you continuously walk around on egg shells in a state of confusion and anxiety like I am right now?

Planning distractions is exhausting but a part of my daily routine now hehe! I’m slowly running out of ideas as I exhaust the gym (most days I can’t even be bothered to go) and my Netflix series are coming to an end! May just indulge in some winter deep cleans or something!

You may be right in suggesting that the relationship should be off the table as I figure things out. It seems I have gotten myself in a bit of a pickle. Although things with my ex right now seem to be good (on the outside) and he is actually ‘trying’ it just doesn’t seem to be enough. After everything that’s gone on I literally cannot trust his words, actions or intentions towards me. It’s almost as though I’m waiting for him to walk out once more. Oh and then there’s the whole journey to healing from trauma!

I honestly don’t know where to start. All I know is that I need to keep going forward. There is a big feeling in my tummy which tells me I NEED to get away from him because he is hindering my healing progress in regards to the trauma. But then rationally I know that in order for me to move past that he will need to be a part of this healing at some point, whether it be now or further down the line. He has also been quite good at taking all my shit in the process, surprisingly. I can’t aftually fault him right now he is trying his best to understand and support me but I guess there’s just that constant feeling of it just isn’t enough. The damage is done now.

Haha yes! I have successfully ‘hinched’ the place this evening! I do feel quite happy with myself, everything smells amazing!

Yes it is exhausting to say the least! But look at time flying by anyway? Misery or no misery it keeps going forward and maybe that can give us some kind of hope!

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I don’t quite see those attributes in myself right now although I do think I’m quite good at putting on a front so those around me may well think I’m much stronger than I actually am!

I must say though, you do sound a lot better since starting the medication. I’ve actually been thinking about this and I reckon I will need a little help (medication) too once my counselling sessions begin and I have to really open up wounds which are nowhere near healed anyway!

Hey, any distraction at this point is welcome! Be it cleaning or a bit of scrabble!

I’ve got a gym session scheduled tomorrow so hopefully that’ll take me through to the evening and then I’ve got my sisters birthday on Friday! So not a bad end to the week! Busy busy!

Have you got much planned?

It is nice that you have a friend that you can rely on like this in times of need. I always find it is nice to get some perspective on the situation from the opposite sex (someone who can perhaps relate to our ex’s).

To be honest, your ex sounds so much like mine in that description of wanting to somehow be sure that you are on ‘good terms’. How can you possibly be on good terms in this situation is beyond me! Nontheless, you’ve done your bit and you were strong enough to respond and still go on! That’s progress! I do still think that it was his way of opening up a line of communication, he was just shut down by your short response and perhaps that’s why he didn’t reply to it. I guess we’ll never know!

At the moment I am in a state of confusion about everything. Its almost as though the healing from my trauma is completely separate to healing from my past relationship, although inevitably they are closely linked together. The trauma healing is all about learning to accept that was indeed a part of my life, learning to deal with the feelings of hurt, loss and grief around this. Healing from my past relationship is more so about forgiveness. On one hand it is just the simple aspect of heartbreak, that alone is difficult. And then the other is all about learning to forgive and let go of the fact that he did play a major part in the trauma itself. It’s strange and I don’t know where to start with my approach.

I did chase up my counselling appointments but it appears I’ve got at least another month of waiting unfortunately.

Also, how could I possibly miss this one out! A 4K walk?! Girl that is incredible! Honestly!

Well done for that!

Shelby,

That last bit took my breath away a little. I have no clue how you have managed to figure it out but it touched me. My dear friends tend to call me Kammy.. it is a nickname I’ve held on to since I was 10 years old! And in that moment, you felt more like a friend than just a fellow Tiny Buddha user!

Perhaps you’re right. For a long time I questioned how people really get through traumatic events in their lives, do they really ever get through them? But I suppose they do otherwise like you say, we’d be absolutely hopeless and the human race would eventually fold.

I think the woman I was some 5 months ago also underestimated the real power of emotions and events in our lives. I truly believed that life just run smoothly for the most part, there would be some hiccups along the way but never imagined anything like this.

I will chase up my counselling appointment today in the hope that they can give me a clearer timeframe for my sessions to begin! I doubt i’ll get myself to the gym although that could change so I will keep you updated!

How are you feeling today Shelby? How is your day going so far?

Shelby,

I’m having a terrible evening myself. This feels like it’s never going to end!

My thoughts are with you x