Shelby,

That is a very good analogy and makes perfect sense. I do believe that in order to heal from the trauma and pain associated with this event I will have to pick it apart bit by bit and allow all the feelings of loss, grief, sadness, betrayal, hurt, heart break just flow over me. It is going to be tough, I know this and I am hoping that my counselling sessions can help me with the process in the long run. I must admit, I am slightly anxious about starting this process on Thursday but nonetheless excited for the possible outcome – a healed and renewed Kammy.

I wish there wasn’t as much confusion and uncertainty around my situation – as there is with yours. You and your ex are both in quite a clear and transparent predicament, you have split up and that’s that. It doesn’t hurt any less but at least you have the clarity I very much long for. I believe the back and forth with my ex has made things so much worse for me but I cant help but believe in people – and this goes for all relationships in my life. I am the person who gives chance after chance to all in my life. I am almost too understanding, perks of being a Libra maybe? It is a constant battle between what I already know and what I want to believe – to see the good in everyone and everything.

I have learnt though that my ex (although he may not show this and is nowhere as bad as me) has also experienced a major shift to him personally following the whole ordeal. He has lost himself. It appears that even with all good intentions he is unable to succeed in doing good at the moment. Everything he does eventually backfires and although he is sincerely apologetic for this I of course get hurt in the process. It’s sad to see that he has lost himself like this but he is not mine to save, as I am not his to save. I have to save myself.

As I go through my therapy, I think I will really take into consideration perhaps starting medication for a little while. I have tried for so long to not go down that route as I hear it gets worse before it gets better and then it is extremely difficult coming off the medication (anti-depressants) but perhaps in this chapter of my life this is what I need. I don’t know, perhaps it is something to consider.

Enough about me! How are you feeling this morning? When is your presentation?!

Good morning,

I hope you’re all having a much better morning than me.

I had an evening from hell yesterday. I feel physically sick this morning, my stomach is tied in a knot and I feel as though I can’t go on. I actually considered not coming into work today as I just couldn’t bare seeing anyone but I managed to get myself here in the end and now regretting every moment of it.

When will this misery end? I feel like it really is one thing after another. Life has knocked me down to the extreme in the last few months and I well and truly have had enough now. I can’t bare any more.

I apologise for the downer this morning!

Evening all,

I’m having an extremely tough evening tonight. The pain is excruciating. I feel as though I can’t bare anymore.

Sorry to be bringing you down! Just don’t know where else to go right now.

Shelby, honestly were we dating the same man?!

I 100% agree on not being ready yet. BUT I do still want those things in the future, I am sure of that. In all of our conversations it is clear that we are on different timelines as I would say for e.g I think it would be pretty normal for us to be living together at this stage (over three years together), it most definitely would be appropriate for us to be engaged in the next 2/3/4 years as we would’ve been together around 6/7 years.

I don’t want to rush these things at all but what I do want is some kind of progress. The relationship has to move forward somehow. If I am honest, I did believe that my family moving away would urge him to step up and say okay you’re being left on your own, i’m your partner, we’ve been together long enough, lets make this next step! No, instead I get the, i’ll come and view flats with you! I’ll buy you a few bits for your new place! But a complete no go about us looking for OUR place together.

I’m very anxious about my family leaving the country. Not only because I’ve got to take this next step on my own but also because I wont get to pop to my mums for a cuppa when I’m having a bad day! She’ll be a flight away! It is terrifying. And even more reason why I relied on him I guess.. he will be all I have left here in a sense.

Many of my friends advised that what he is doing is quite normal in this day and age especially taking into consideration the fact that he is so keen on having a mortgage and would never ever choose to rent. Naturally, getting a mortgage in this day and age takes a lot of time – hence his timeline being so behind mine. Which I understand, but I guess it just comes down to us having a different idea of life. I for one said I wouldn’t want to get a mortgage with him having never lived with him in the first place. It makes no sense. What if it doesn’t work out and then we have to go through solicitors etc to get our shares ?! How do you expect me to help you save for a mortgage when I have to pay full rent etc all by myself because you wont move in with me to make any of it easier? I would’ve much rather rented for a little while, still saved but enjoyed our time together in our rented apartment where we didn’t have to worry if anything breaks because the landlord will fix it! And then eventually when we get to a stage where we can afford a mortgage we can move towards that step! But I cant put my life on hold and live at home forever because he wants a mortgage – unfortunately I don’t have that choice! That’s another reason why I thought he would step up. I thought he’d appreciate the fact that had I had the option perhaps I would’ve held out a bit longer, but I simply do not. I have to move and that’s that.

I genuinely believe he is the ‘never ready’ type of man and will end up just like your ex well into this thirties or even later in life. Even though he says he wants all these things I can picture him aged 35 still unable to settle down, still living at home with his mother, still financing his families life, a lonely sad man. I really can picture it.

One of his aunties is in her late fifties and all on her own, never married, no children etc. She spent something like 12 years of her life happily involved with a man who promised her the world but always had ‘all the time in the world’. Eventually it was too late for her to have children and he still wasn’t getting any closer to making their relationship progress into marriage or even having a home to call their own. She eventually left him for those reasons. I often compare my ex to this man and I’ve told him that reconciling with him is like going into something blindfolded with the knowledge that I will end up like his auntie – he didn’t like it but I feel it’s the truth.

Physical pain – that time of the month unfortunately! Absolutely ruined my plans as I really wanted to go and have a great session at the gym today! I may just settle for a light home workout instead! I’m glad to hear you want to go for a swim tonight! This may tire you out and in turn help you have a good sleep! 🙂

Shelby,

That does make sense. May I ask what is it you wanted from him in terms of future? Is it living together? Moving away together? Marriage? Children? Etc. And what was his response to those ideas of a future?

So I was unhappy not getting enough from him and he was unhappy constantly feeling like the bad guy and that he was constantly disappointing me. This resonates with me so much! I know this feeling all too well. My ex is the same. It is like he wants the same but in certain aspects he is just unable to give me the ‘more’ that I am asking for!

I suppose your family and friends always want what’s best for you yes but nonetheless I do think they’ll be rather bitter if we did reconcile as they witnessed me go through one of the toughest moments in my life. They cried with me through it all so I believe they’ll think i’m a fool for even considering it! Of course, no one knows the relationship like the two people in it so many wont understand why the need for reconciliation. Anyway, nothing is set in stone as I have not yet made any decisions – it is just nice to get an insight.

How are you feeling this morning?

Hi Shelby,

How did your shopping trip go? Did you manage to get anything nice at all?

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had another tough night. I always find the evenings/ nighttime to be the worst. Heck every time of the day sucks when you’re going through heart break!

I’m wondering, are you perhaps not able to accept because you haven’t got closure? Whatever that may be. I know our situations are somewhat different I.e the reasons behind the split but I know for personal experience the reason why we keep bouncing back and forth to one another is perhaps because there are so many things left unsaid. We didn’t really want to split up. We sort of didn’t have a choice around the situation that we were faced with. Things got very bitter and we had people fighting our battles for us and as a result we didn’t actually get to speak about what happened and why it happened that way. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion and a long time to come to terms with the fact that we will need to have a conversation which covers everything around the situation/ break up to get some clarity and closure. I realised I am unable to move forward with my life and my recovery without everything being laid out on the table. He agrees. So we are in the process of arranging this conversation now. I believe for me this will allow me to close that chapter of my life – with or without him moving forward.

I wonder if perhaps the break up on your end was so sudden that although you know the reasons behind it there are still many unanswered questions and unsaid words.. perhaps that could be what is holding you back in your recovery?

Our meet up went well. It’s safe to say that we most definitely still enjoy one another’s company – as strange as it is we completely bounce off of one another just like we used to. However like I said before this is all well and good until the reality, the trauma gets mentioned or remembered. At this point, i’m not quite sure if we’ll be moving forward together..  I suppose time will tell. It is a tough one because I realise my family and friends will most definitely not approve if we reconciled, they’d be disappointed with me. Although I like to think I’m a strong individual and I make decisions for me, it is still off putting to know that we won’t be celebrating big events together I.e Christmas etc because it’ll just be too much hassle!

I cannot wait for this chapter of my life to be over now!

Shelby,

I think for the time being just accept whatever it is that you feel towards him and go with the flow. It is only natural that you still love him and care for him dearly, regardless of anything else, afteall he was a major part of your life for many years. I read somewhere that it takes at least half the amount of time of the relationship to actually get over someone fully. As in be able to walk past them on the street, even say hello and feel absolutely nothing. If this theory is true, we have a while longer to go!

Netflix has been an absolute life saver for me! Let me know if you get to watching anything interesting, I’m coming to the end of my series now so will need a new distraction!

We have just been chilling and having a relaxed evening with a few drinks for my sisters birthday. It’s nice – a distraction. I think I’ll close the evening with some Netflix too and a lovely sleep with no alarm!

What are your plans for tomorrow?

Shelby,

I’m sorry you had to see him. Fortunately I’ve not experienced the ignorance part of it all as luckily we have never bounced into one another (despite the fact that we live about 10 minute drive from each other) and we only ever met up when it was previously arranged and even that was heart breaking. I can only imagine what it must’ve felt like to be completely ignored like a stranger.

To be honest, it is understandable that he didn’t stop off for a conversation but the least he could’ve done is acknowledged you somehow. Even if it was just via a follow up txt to say ‘I think I just saw you’. It is a bit rude on his part to have ignored you like that considering the amount of history together. But nonetheless, the day goes on. I’m sorry he’s been an ass!

I completely understand that it has knocked you off guard. As you say, you have developed these safe zones for yourself (I did this too so I can relate) and now suddenly even those aren’t safe anymore! I am assuming he knows exactly where you work and that he could’ve potentially bumped into you this morning? What was he thinking!

I hope for your sake that he chooses another route next time! Loads of hugs xx