John,

I don’t want to interrupt the thoughtful discussion between yourself and Anita I just wanted to let you know I can most definitely relate.

An addiction to a person is a very real thing. When me and my ex boyfriend split up (taking into consideration our split was also based around a traumatic event) I barely got out of bed for 8 weeks. I didn’t eat (I lost 18pounds during this period), I struggled with sleep, I didn’t etntertain communication with anyone. I completely lost myself in the process.

I am eating and sleeping now so I guess a lot of people would say I’m better. I’m not. I struggle every single day. I have just managed to function better. Survive almost.

Me and my ex too had a fantasy relationship. I honestly can’t fault it for anything. We were perfect together. We never argued, the connection between the two of us I truly think is like no other. I don’t believe I will feel that again with another soul. Up until the summer when the trauma occurred, nonetheless it is very hard to let go.. it’s hard to let go of what once was.

I must admit, he has come back in the attempt to reconcile but I am currently dealing with a lot of post-traumatic healing and it is proving difficult to let him back in as he was the main cause of this. We have met up multiple times in the last few weeks and we do indeed bounce back to one another like nothing ever happened. In those times I can absolutely feel the addiction reappear. The following day I can feel myself becoming needy. I want to tell him about every part of my day. I am suddenly motivated to take myself to the gym. Or be extremely friendly at work etc. But I notice this pattern and I absolutely hate it.

I wonder now whether it is love at all. Or just attachment and being completely reliant on someone. It makes me feel like I am loosing control of my life. Like I too need a fix so that I can succeed in life. So I can feel happy again.

I have tried to withdraw from these feelings and learn to not rely or need him so much so that my actual everyday life depends on it but when I do that I feel I am not being true to myself? Almost like I won’t tell him about the events of today because i will fall into a pattern of needing to do this again!

I wonder if these people are good for us at all in the end.. these human addictions.

Shelby,

I understand that completely. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.. it is a real shame!

I read that part of the book actually and I questioned how you can wish someone that you love so deeply to go on and continue a happy life without you?! I can’t quite understand this concept yet. It makes sense because you love them so you should wish them happiness at all times, but is it applicable to real life? I’m not so sure.

I want my ex to hurt at the loss just as much as I am hurting. I want him to wake up and realise what he has lost, as do I. I can’t just wish him happiness in life without me, or better yet with someone else – the thought of it actually makes me feel physically sick. I think that goes back to the idea of him being ‘my person’. When the reality is, he is his own person! Not mine!

We may not be able to imagine those days now but we have both admitted that we were quite confident women before these people came into our lives. I do hope to see that part of myself again because I was just so utterly and blissfully happy. On my own but happy. I really did not need anyone to contribute to that happiness, I just was. I’m hoping to regain that someday.

Shelby,

See, the difference is your heart and gut told you to go back. My heart is, but my gut isn’t. But then again, that could be the fear of being hurt again hanging over me. I realise that I have become a very closed and fearful person and I believe I would feel the same with anyone else as I do with him now.

I suppose you’re right in saying I have survived and if worst comes to worst I will have no choice but to survive once again. I do believe that the other thing holding me on to him is the fact that the two of us went through this traumatic experience over the summer. He’s the only person who truly understands, the only person who knows the ins and outs of everything and perhaps that is another reason why I am holding on as when the dark times come I feel like I need him to help me get through, because of the connection. I do feel in some crazy irrational way that he is supposed to be a part of my healing process so that I can truly get past this, even if it is from a slight distance.

We have spoken briefly in the past couple of weeks about the future. Nothing has changed on his end. His plan of a mortgage later in life is still very much in place as is his lack of compromise – and yet here I am ready to dive into this again!

You are an extremely strong woman. You have been doing amazing. It is absolutely normal to want to get in touch with your ex but the fact that you haven’t caved into that need often is incredible! Much stronger than me! I do believe the idea of a happy ending with him despite knowing the reasons why it wont work is what is holding you in this phase. Our ex’s share some of the same qualities and I know I almost questioned whether I really wanted all of those things? Whether they’re absolutely necessary for my happiness? Or is being with him greater than all that? Why cant I just wait? Why cant I just take a leap of faith and believe that he will pull his weight eventually?

It sounds crazy and irrational, I know. Talk about a complete lack of self love right?!

I’m glad you have managed to make plans for the evening! I am anticipating that I will be in a bad way after my appointment so I am somewhat mentally preparing myself for that. I sure will be in touch to let you know how it goes!

Shelby,

I caved in and napped! But luckily I still feel pretty tired so hopefully I will still have a good nights sleep!

However, I am finding myself struggling again. I know this relationship is wrong for me at this point. I know it. But everything about me wants to give it another try. I believe he made mistakes which hurt me in the process. I believe he didn’t intentionally want to hurt me. But at the same time I am aware that there is nothing that can excuse his behaviour or the hurt caused. It’s like I am unable to see him for what he has become, instead I still hope to see the wonderful man that he was throughout our relationship. I am going to try and read back through some of this thread to try and encourage some of my rational mind to come out again, I remember I had a really rational period a while ago and I honestly believe that is when I felt best about this whole ordeal.

I’m very nervous about starting my counselling journey tomorrow. I worry about the ‘spiral’ and ‘dark place’ I spoke of before and having to deal with that once the session is over and I have to come home to face reality on my own. It’s a tough one but I guess it’s just another thing I must get through.

Shelby,

No my dear you are not going backwards. In fact you are moving forward, through each of these phases, through the ups and downs, the good and the bad you are moving forward. It may not seem that way but you are! This is all part of the process.

If you are anything like me, I do believe you’ll struggle with the acceptance of it all because I always have more questions. I need complete and utter clarity at all times. Once something becomes clear it almost becomes a fact in my head and I am then methodically able to break it down into small sections that I need to deal with. Organisation freak I know but that is just how I manage things. If my questions remain unanswered I end up dwelling on the endless possibilities of what the answer could, should or would be and as a result my mind ends up going into overdrive and I spend way too much of my time focusing on this one little thing and never really get anywhere anyway because I don’t know the actual answer. Can you relate at all?

My evening was ok, I guess that’s the best way to describe it. I survived. I’m still breathing. I didn’t get to the gym unfortunately but I did a gentle home work out instead and then indulged in a few drinks.

Did you get up to much at all?

Shelby,

It is beyond me how families are able to put that responsibilities on their children. I don’t know if that’s perhaps because of the structure of my family or cultural background but it is just not something that sits right with me.

My family have always encouraged me to go out into the real world and make a life of my own. Mainly so that they can see I’m doing okay and that they don’t have to worry about me. We all get to a certain age where it’s just normal to bloody grow up! But I suppose some people grow old but not grow up.

Its actually quite sad that your ex felt that due to the responsibilities around his family he felt he could care for another person in his life. Personally I think that’s quite damaging for him, but I suppose he knows no different if that’s how his family structure has always been.

Mark my words though, he will regret letting you go. Probably when it is far too late but he will think of you when he is old and sad and lonely and think of the wonderful woman who wanted nothing but a life with him and he will regret some of the choices he made in his life.

I’m going to have a listen to the link you sent just before bed! I’ll let you know how I get on 🙂

Shelby,

I’m glad at least one of us is thinking rationally! My rational mind seems to have gone walkabout and hasn’t returned for the past two weeks or so! I must try to get it back somehow.

The issue with my ex is that he wants US to get a mortgage. He wants the house for US. Which would be great in a fantasy world where we have money flowing out of our pockets and we can afford it. I don’t deny that I would love to own my home one day, but I am somewhat more realistic about that being in the near future. I realise it takes a lot of savings. Although my ex did bring into conversation a little idea, similarly to your ex. He mentioned that actually he will continue saving and buy out his family home so his parents could live rent free etc and when they eventually pass it’ll go to him. I had to laugh at the idea.

So you are refusing to move with me? You’re not even remotely ready to get a mortgage of your own but you will work your ass off to save to buy out the family home that you will either continue living in for the rest of your life with your parents (but a single man because no woman will ever agree to that, especially with what his mother is like) or you will eventually go on to rent your own place because your mortgaged home is occupied by your parents. What an amazing plan.

I must admit, I do feel quite sick at the thought of him at the moment. Betrayal and resentment is really burning me at the moment. I’m so angry at all the pain that he’s caused me and continues to do so, whether intentionally or not.

Do you have any idea what you might do on the weekend? I too need to make some plans but I don’t even know where to start! I am such an outgoing person but the last few months I have found myself withdrawing from social situations. I feel even now if I made plans for the weekend I might flake in the last minute because I just can’t commit.