Hello all,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am here (as is Mr A) as I have contracted Covid and now we are stuck together until the 18th of Jan at the very least. Honestly I have to laugh, as at this stage it seems every time it’s time for him to go, something happens.

I’m just spending time resting and watching a load of Netflix but I hope you are all keeping well. @Danny, congratulations mate! I’ll have a proper read of the whole story when I’m better but so so so proud of you! Wishing you and the Mrs-to-be a whole load of understanding, compromise, patience and of course a life time of love!

@Danny,

Bless you, we haven’t been communicating for very long but a part of me feels like you’re my actual ‘bro’. Maybe the Londoner thing, maybe close in age, who knows.

I am actually proud of you, if no one has told you, I am proud. Of how far you have come as an individual, as a man, of how much work you put in for your own personal growth! I’m here for it!! I’m so glad that you have left the lads behind so to speak and did what you believed to be best for you. And here you are talking about being a bachelor not much longer, soooooo here for it!!

My family is unfortunately not in the country. They moved back to our home country back in May and we’re going to come for Christmas. Then my Nan got sick and likely this will be her last Christmas, so they were going to come for 3 days on Christmas Day instead but now with all the travel restrictions it’s looking unlikely. Mr A is still here but really only out of the goodness of my heart. His stuff has been packed since last week or so and he was on the way out. But me being me, I offered a helping hand understanding that it isn’t an ideal time for it all and perhaps he needs another week or two to make the necessary arrangements to leave – I’m fine with it. I feel like I’ve cried so many tears for this man already I physically haven’t got any more in me. As heartbreaking as it is, ultimately, he showed me what love isn’t. Even if I still do love him.

I am just ready for a fresh start now. And yeah I think you’ve read me just right, I couldn’t think of anything worse than entertaining any other situationship right now haha. I probably won’t for a very long time because in all honesty, I’ve kinda given up on the hopeless romantic that I am.

I think the last few weeks have been ones of solid realisations. I really am not asking for anything out of the ordinary. And I definitely deserve much more than this.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas also x

Hi all,

Apologies for going awol. Really going through the motions of it all at the moment. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t spent most my days over sleeping, barely functioning with shattered eyes and a heavy soul. Life, or at least mine, has a tendency to mess up big time in one go. I guess this time is no different as everything around me seems to be falling apart, not just the relationship with Mr A.

@Danny, I must say I am proud of you. You sound like a man who has really done the work and a man who truly values what he has. Luckily, the girl saw potential in you and has given you a second chance. I’m pleased for you and I hope you do right by her and find your happy ever after.

I too hope that one day a man shows up for me in the same way you have shown up for her!

Until then, I am going to spend time trying to work out what I want, who I am, how my past has changed me and how I can deal with that moving forward.

I hope you all have a lovely week ahead of Christmas! Tier 4 or not!

@Sammy, proud of you!!! That’s honestly all I can say. Because that takes strength and a whole load of courage – so kudos to you!

Thank you for all your kind words guys, I see them all. I’m actually going away to stay with a friend this weekend for a overdue girls night. All the way in Southend too so looking forward to an evening walk by the seaside, water has always calmed me. Get away from reality even if it’s just for a night..

@Danny,

OK, so I have briefly caught up on your posts and my thoughts are as follows..

I think you’re definitely on the right track in terms of ‘making amends’. I say making amends what I mean is giving yourself the opportunity to let go of the grief surrounding this relationship and also giving this girl the clarity and ‘closure’ that she deserves after everything that’s happened.

It’s nice to read that you guys had a nice chat and spent some quality time together, almost reminiscing on what was and what could’ve been. Who knows where it will go from here. You very obviously care for her. And with that you want the very best for her. The only thing I would urge you to ask yourself at this very moment is whether the very best for her is you, right now, in this moment, amongst the chaos of your self discovery..

And to be honest I could be projecting here or I could just be sharing a female point of view picked up from personal experiences..

This post has gone on for over two years now and me and Shelby have been communicating for a long time so I’m sure you haven’t caught up exactly on my situation (somewhat different to yours as there is trauma involved) but yet similar in ways.. And I for one wish now years later that Mr A didn’t come back into my life. I write that with an actual lump in my throat because it feels so weird throwing 5+ years with this man away like that. BUT in hindsight he was not ready. Till this day he is not ready. He wanted to make amends. He wanted to prove me wrong. He had the best of intentions (I believe) and when push comes to shove he cannot pull through because at the end of the day, he is who he is and this is the current situation, that will not change.

Like yourself and this woman you are in awe with, me and Mr A had a very gravity pulling relationship. We were head over heels in all aspects of the relationship, spiritually, emotionally, sexually.. He was my actual best friend. We were very much committed and in love. But life unfortunately wrote its own scenario and shit happened. And I can honestly hold my hands up and say that no matter how much ‘love’ we have for one another nothing has ever been the same since. We reconciled. We moved out together. We made amends. And to cut a story short, we live like flat mates who don’t even like one another and just get by because we have to. And yet we still love one another. But what we had and what we have now are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. Without going on about this for too long, the point I am trying to make is that HAD Mr A been ready, really been about everything he said at the time of reconciliation, I believe things would be very different now. Maybe we could still be in our little love bubble. Instead we spent the last two years tarnishing the beautiful memories we made the first time round… Probably caused more damage than good. It’s oh so easy to get caught up in the ‘I’ve made a mistake, I’ve learnt my lesson, this is what I want, I’m ready, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work…’ but it’s not as easy to pull that through once the novelty wears of and the relationship goes back to basics. To the core of you and the core of her. Particularly when you’re on a journey of self discovery.

With that in mind that is why I ask, chemistry aside, what you would like the outcome to be aside, what you think you have become on this journey aside, what you THINK you are ready to right now in your despair to get this connection back, to make right your wrong doings – Are you the best thing for her at this present moment?

@Danny,

I’ll catch up on your posts over the weekend and come back to you. But having a quick skim read I’m getting a good vibe & howdy neighbour 😉

@Danny,

Your entire post just now reinforced everything I already thought about you. Albeit I don’t know you in person but you definitely don’t come across as a fuckboy or a player. Just someone who has gotten lost in their ways. Don’t forget, that putting yourself out there on any media platform has its reprocussions. It’s a world of opinions, some you will agree with, others you’ll be astounded by – but they are opinions at the end of the day. Like my opinion, you can take it all with a pinch of salt.

I don’t think you’re fundamentally a bad person. I think you have a lot of growing to do and from what I read, you’re already on the right path willing to work on it. Mistakes are a part of who we are and there’s a lot of self forgiveness required in this life – something I’ve personally had to deal with too.

I do think that at this time, it wouldn’t be fair for you to pursue B again in a romantic manner. I agree she deserves an apology, for her sake like @Shelbyville said but that is all at present. You’re still on a journey. And until you crack that unworthy idea in your head and work it all out, you’re always going to go back in your ways eventually. Things may be good for a while until something happens and you feel insufficient again and it all falls apart. It isn’t fair on your or her or anyone else for that matter. It’s not to say that you can’t or won’t be able to ever reconcile with her, who knows, maybe that is a possibility. But you come across as a reasonable man who has acknowledged their wrongs and I think you’d be wise to see that you wouldn’t want to end up in the same situation again, potentially hurting someone you very clearly care about again.

Be raw in your apology, be the authentic self she always saw you for – whatever the outcome may be. But also be aware that it will likely bring up a lot of emotions for her, perhaps not great ones.

Put yourself aside in this situation for just a moment and think about this person that you care about. What is best for her right now?

@Lucie,

I really do hope it helps. I first hand know Trauma and all of the effects of it, it sucks so bad. But yes, tackle the anxiety and it should hopefully reduce the nausea yet.

@Sammy,

I need to really play some catch up on your story, I have read through the most recent post but I guess I haven’t got the background insight. Although my initial non biased, unaware of the situation response – do what feels right for YOU. I am a great believer of doing what your heart, soul, mind feels is best for you at that time. It may not be a great choice for the long run but maybe it is one you needed at that time.
It’s a strange one you see, for me anyway. Mr A and me are ‘okay’. It has never been the same in all honesty. And somehow the okayness of it all has made me linger in this situation for so long because there isn’t anything wrong per say. But it isn’t love like it used to be either. We feel more like a 50+ year married couple who just kind of put up with one another haha! I used to give myself so much grief about making the choice to reconcile with him. But in hindsight, I realise I was extremely vulnerable, broken, in the worst shape I have ever been in my life. I was traumatised, lost, going through extensive therapy, adjusting to life with all of the effects of PTSD, not eating, not sleeping, not knowing who I am – and he was the only person on the planet who knew, who somewhat understood. I needed him at that time. My soul needed familiarity, needed comfort. So I think sometimes we just need to be a bit easier on ourselves when it comes to these things..