Thank you for your thoughtful and considerate responses, it never fails to fill me with gratitude when another person shares their experiences, despite reliving painful memories. Finding this site has been so helpful, particularly as I have just finished reading Loris book. My cry for help was about lifting the fog, trying to hear my inner voice through the confusion, conflict and hurt. I didn’t want it to be an exercise of self indulgence. I am and have been ignoring my inner voice all due to fear and crippling insecurity, but I know I have to embrace the fear, exercise the heart muscle and let it all it to finally process. Its gone on to long, this is an awful, unproductive way to live. Life is to short to be miserable when you can choose happiness, embrace your values and be true to yourself.

My head and heart have been saying different things, I truly haven’t considered my own self worth and neglected any self love or care because its feels more natural to extend this to another, despite being used and walked over, foolish I know. I find it very difficult to self love, the way I speak to myself is abhorrent and this is something I’m working hard to change. To see me at work or with my children you would confuse me with another, I function at a high level, I can hide anxiety which unfortunately then manifests physically in my body. I know there is no instant cure nor is there an instant answer to anything.

So, I know face fear, insecurity and worry as I have pushed them away because the physical pain of them and what I was losing stopped me. I have a man who loves me but has betrayed my trust, respect and has been unfaithful. We are in counselling and I am hearing that everything I feel is natural and normal which is sad that I need another person to validate me, and I still have trouble hearing and believing that. What I have determined is that I will no longer apologise for my truths and I hold my values to my heart. I know I deserve better and I know I have to forgive another human for the hurt and failings, my worry is if I can manage this. Everything has changed and I have to think and accept if what we are now is acceptable to me. I worry about regret, being alone, shame but I know they fade when you truly accept what makes you happy and what your prepared to let go.

The wonderful suggestion of writing has been so cathartic, I am looking back at old letters to myself and see that they are compassionate and loving. I try to imagine what I would say to a good friend. I have quieten the catastrophic thinking, I understand the work I need to do on and for myself, I know its ok to ask and except time to work out what I need and want, at the end of the day, I just want to be happy and that is my responsibility. This forum and your shared response have been so gratefully received, I cant express that gratitude knowing someone has given their time to give thoughtful, positive responses