Thank you all for your lovely responses. You people have great hearts.
But somehow my story gets even uglier.
I had already broken up with my boyfriend simply because I wasn’t in love with him anymore (even though I still cared deeply, admired him, and knew he was a gem). It was 3 months of us trying to save an unsavable relationship. Just… without my permission, my passion for him started to slip away. And there wasn’t a single damn thing I could do about it. I must have read every page on the Internet about long term relationships. I tried to fix it in every way I could. And in the end, I just wasted both our times.
Anyways when I broke up, I thought I’d feel relieved, because that’s how dumpers are supposed to feel. But I didn’t. I entered a turmoil of guilt and confusion and other things I can’t even name, I had never felt before. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating. I wanted to be forgiven, desperately, I wanted peace. So I told him the whole truth only after we part.
Now that I think about it, I should have spared him from this pain. We could maintain a friendly contact. Again, I screwed up badly. Again, I was selfish. Again, I was impulsive.
And we’re going to see each other everyday for the next four years.
I want to die. The least I could do was to love him. Now, do you still believe I deserve any good? I’m no good. This is unforgivable. I hope nobody else will be unfortunate enough to love me.