Hi Anita,

You have given some very valuable advice and insights there.

Having been there, it took me a decade to understand it was not his parents and friends treating me disrespectfully, it was him feeding them that stuff about me and feeding me the stories of their disrespect and disapproval – him staying as a victim everywhere!

You said – “

He called them to complain about you. He fed them with negative information about you.

It is not his parents. Your fiancé broke up with you”  this was my experience atleast in a very similar scenario!

I hope our friend Bubba here benefits and heals and is able to move on.

Dear Heretofloat,

Betratayal does hit very hard, especially to those of us who are mature coz we think we chose wisely…but you already know, ya really good riddance. Good he showed his colours relatively early…this is not the kind of person you would like to invest your maturity on…

it it still will hurt and with time you will be able to make peace with it..to some extent.

If if you have been feeling vulnerable like you mentioned, perhaps some self love and self dare could help heal better.

love and thoughts,

k

Dear Urooz,

Thank you for sharing all these additional details and I hope writing them down helped clarify certain things to you. If you would take a day or two break, just think about some other things and read your messages here, you will know what to do. Or if you want you can write as much as you want to write about this man here, all that you know, you have seen – treat this as your diary and read it.

you do not trust this guy, there is no care and no respect, and he “says” he loves you – right now he is chasing you coz he wants something from you, and in return he wants a hidden disrespectful end for you.

He he had a hidden account, now wants a hidden marriage and tomorrow if you will question him on his first marriage, it may humiliate him as well!!!

its really your life – you will have to live with the consequences of your choices. You know how easy it is to divorce in your culture – a hidden marriage with a man against his mother’s wish, when he can’t go against his mother openly, with no respect, care and trust and no right to even question basic things – for that would humiliate him.

i think I don’t have anything to add to this thread that you don’t now know already.

all the best,

k

And one more – struggle for intimacy by Janet Woititz. Rest you will find when you will start searching on internet. All the best!

Dear Lucy, your life history is very similar to mine.

for me, reading about Adult Children of Alcoholics, abandonment issues, attending ACA Skype meetings and some free therapy videos s from jerry wise relationship systems on you tube was a great starting point. And so was listening to Louise Hay and meditation videos – sometimes just sleeping while listening to these.

this was a starting point and from every book and article I read about Adult Children of Alcoholics, I knew what I needed to do next…it’s a continuous journey of healing and knowing that there is nothing irreversibly wrong with me. And I did start dreaming again…

– he had a relationship with you and did not marry you when you proposed

– he is now marrying another girl with prior planning of cheating on her

– and now he wants to marry you and keep you as a hidden wife

– seriously what kind of husband can this man become?

– do you trust his promises?

– and today, you have a marriage where you have a husband who has openly accepted as you wife – a respectful marriage exchanged for a hidden marriage, does not make sense to me.

– can you guarantee he will not have a third hidden wife or will not divorce you if he falls in love with the first wife?

Hi Cal,

I strongly believe nothing will come out of this meeting between your wife and this other guy.

But what is important that once this is done and dusted, you guys talk and take marital therapy to address what led to this situation and how to put this behind and start again with renewed trust.

marroages cannot be thrown away like that – both of you need to stay strong, your wife in meeting this guy and you in waiting it out and then work on the root cause – may be family systems therapy etc.

all the best!

K

I followed Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism for a long time, and my prayers were answered. The answers were always within me, my prayers helped me see them, even if these were difficult answers sometimes.

I eat non veg in fact I started eating it openly, I used to hide before, after I took up Buddhism coz I don’t want to begrudge my life. I don’t want to abandon myself or part of myself.

I have not read in millions of mentors toda and IKEA teachinngs which cover everything on earth, any reference to a person being vegetarian or non vegetarian. Leave this doubt. Doubts will not let prayers get answered coz your effort will be half hearted