Hi Iannawannabe,

This might sound either too abstract, or too analytical, or too cliche, depending of the reader, but I work with people and I see over and over again how both the sense of inadequacy, and the sense of abandonment after break up, and even the triggers to fall in love, are almost always subtly related to what we experienced in our early family.

Does your idealized image of him, what you desired from him, and subsequent disappointment, resemble your early relationship with any of your parents? Can you track your feelings of inadequacy to anything you felt in your family? It’s often not obvious at the first glance, but in my experience, whenever an emotion is unrealistic or too intense, it usually comes from the past, not the present. It might take a bit of digging to recognize what it is about it, but it might be worth it.

Best,
K

Hi Kimberely,

I’m also very much an introvert, have been alone till the age of 26 and would probably have been alone for much longer if not for a chance encounter. So I believe I can relate at least somewhat. Here are some thoughts:

Dating apps, even if popular now, tend to attract all kinds of sociopaths and shallow people in much greater numbers than in normal population. Besides, people on dating apps, especially the type of men who just want to get laid, tend to get used to perceive others as merchandise. I would sincerely advise to go out and practice being more social, learning social skills (I know I lacked those, and learning to feel comfortable with meeting people means a lot for one’s confidence, too) so that you can meet people in healthier environment. That way you can also make friends, not only seek a bf. How about groups and clubs that share your interests? Sports, dancing, volunteering, whatever? Healthy interest and affection rarely starts at a first glance, but when people have a chance to meet each other repeatedly and know each other better.

Imagine to take a look at yourself from the outside. Is there something other people might perceive as off-putting if they only look at you shallowly? Do you by chance appear shy – which many might confuse with disinterest or arrogance – or too serious, or worried, or having low self-esteem, or desperate? These are not faults, but recognizing how we can improve the first impression we give can help.
Sometimes you can’t help people being shallow and not liking anybody who is not superficially fun, and that’s fine, a good way to filter them out. I also imagine that many men, especially men on dating apps, judge women based on how ready they seem to have sex quickly, and drop them if they don’t seem easy. The problem is them, not you, and it’s a good thing not to end up with one of those, but it might feel like you are the problem if it happens so often (and with dating apps, it will).

Last but not least, to feel good in your solo time, treat yourself with love. Train yourself to be gentle, understanding, compassionate with yourself – anything you wish from a friend or a partner. Comfort yourself when you feel rejected. Encourage yourself as a friend would do. Making it a habit to live that way all the time can make great difference in your life generally.