Anita,

You have just clarified so much for me with your words and that “The forever settling, it really is a fantasy, because no one can forever settle” has bought me so much comfort and reassurance that even though I have very limited funds life can still not have guarantees.

Thank you I shall re read your words later before I go to bed too 🙂

Lynda

Hi Anita,

Yes it does make sense to me ! Its a great way of looking at it and one that gives me confidence to be assertive! Thank you ! Looking from a friendship perspective this will give me chance to see what motivates him as you say and whether they honor us 🙂

Will keep you updated

Lynda

No not that, I suppose it comes from self confidence and also I feel I have a lot going on right now, and I want to say, I fear that that will make someone run away

Hi anita,

I was just looking at our last few exchanges, particularly the being honest with friends. I have been feeling and what I think is coming to light is this thing I have been having of accepting myself for who I am and I think the “being honest with friends” maybe has also coincided with being honest with myself too. I seem to get into situations where explaining myself becomes too complicated and I have feelings of overwhelm and that I cannot breathe.  I have come to the position of I need to just slow down, to just slow down and breathe…..best I can. Once I do this and I will not get into such a mess, to just sit and like you have said before to sit and breathe. The second thing is that I am scared of intimacy I think, do I stand still enough to be present in front of someone, and say who I am, mistakes I have made, what I have done. To not be agreeable all the time and to not want to just be what everyone wanst me to be. Because I am guessing whatever situation someone has gone through if they have carried on regardless to get up every day then that only shows strength in someone, so why do I go speechless and cannot find my voice when someone asks a question about my life or do I blow over it or pretend to be ok when I am struggling.

If I had of just stood and presented myself for who I am, slowed down, been truthful.

Very much needs doing to the flat, wallpapering etc but that’s not a stress, it will get done when it is done. What is very evident to me is that I am living without a life!! No wonder I find it difficult being a mum when all the focus on everything when myself and my 4 year old son is at home is on him. and vice -versa, for him no wonder he continually wants my attention. I need to have a life again, am desperate for it. And being honest is the way to go.

I have a chance to go for a camping trip next week with my son, which I am hoping will be good.  Although after a period of being at the flat my motivation goes down and I think once I am there, meeting new people my motivation will go back up again!

I am at least seeing some kind of light I feel, an old university friend (male) has got back in touch with me via face book. He always asks how I am, which of course is very attractive, he is single. I was excited that he had got back in touch with me after 8 years, I left university before completing the course and he has said he was gutted I left and that he has always had a soft spot for me. It is always so nice to hear from him when he sends me a message via Facebook and he lives not far from where myself and my son are going camping. And we have arranged to meet up. It would be lovely to meet up just the two of us and have a babysitter for my son, and I rushed into the excitement of it and said we could go out together when I am down and I would get a babysitter so we could talk. And last night I thought….why did I say that!!! I think its a need in me to make excuses for my situation possibly, to please someone. I don’t know….But the reality is  that my son needs me when we go away together and while it would be nice to spend time alone with someone and talk, I do not have to be apologetic either. Its difficult to spread my attention while meeting up being with my son but also I have given a false impression to him of my situation. and if I am not presenting myself honestly to someone then it will not go anywhere anyway ….and what is the rush!! I suppose its a need in me to be with someone and lightly chatting with someone online is not always the same as the intimacy of meeting with someone and talking.

Anyway…I have been thinking of all this this evening…..

Lynda

hi Anita,

I have moved into the council flat, it is all very new and a new area so its very different to what I am used too! I have looked at our last few exchanges and I have realised like you say to be honest not only to my friends but also to myself.

sometimes I am scared, I still feel sick about the move and were I am, why I do not know, and there is also something inside me that does not want to settle here.

The council handed the keys over to me last time we spoke and I felt a bit sick going into the flat, the walls are all plastered (no paint or wallpaper) and there is no flooring carpet etc. I stayed one night and then go a coach to a co op in Glastonbury who were looking for volunteers. In my head I thought ” I just want to get away” and so even though there was still lots to do and I didn’t really have time to organise packing everything, I thought I have to just go! So we got the coach to the co op. It has members that live there and also there was a few volunteers to help with the house. When I arrived there , I was not sure I was doing the right thing, I thought “maybe it is best I had come once I felt more myself” so the first few days I was not very social and kept myself to myself. But then I thought well even if I am a bit mixed up at the moment I am here so make the most of it. Anyway the people there live as a family , there are other children, and they practice gentle parenting which is very much what I believe. So everyone was patient with my son and he made great friends. They also share the childcare so I was able to do a dance workshop that goes on in the house every weekend, and I made some real bonds with the people there .

One of the ladies that was volunteering decided to leave back to Spain and we had an honest chat, she was talking about how it is important to follow your heart, and to trust yourself and to also know that everything is going to ok. I told her about my situation and said ” but I don’t know if I have made the right decisions and I don’t want to go back to my flat, but feel like I want to be around people but feel like I am not able to make a choice at the moment. And I just feel fear and maybe I should start trusting” I started to cry and she said ” maybe you just need to breathe for a while and find what it is you want, and its ok to change your mind, but to look inside of me and stop looking outside at others and that the answers are inside of me”. She said I should start to meditate.

I came back Wednesday, and am still slightly confused as to how much I invest in the flat? Do I paint the walls etc etc. But accessing myself by being honest with myself is the first thing and when I do that I can be honest with my friends and others ….who are wanting to help with this flat by giving me furniture and helping painting etc but who possibly don’t know how I am feeling.

Being on my own back at the flat for a few days I noticed that I could make a life here but it depends on whether I want to  and it is really is that simple, even if my emotions are all over the place at the moment. It is hard to be alone with a child and so maybe a co op would be better.

I am finding it hard to get me time at the moment so am going to focus on that.

The man who owns the co op in Glastonbury has also asked us if we want to go back to visit again and that we are a joy to be around so I may do that in the coming weeks.

Much love Lynda

Hi Anita,

I think my friends do understand the idea its more been there has been no where I can stay to fully get the co operative idea going, I would of needed a lot support in terms of them being ok for me to stay with them for a while and going and coming back a few times to see the co operative. Everything has been so last minute and the friends I have stayed with have had children, partners etc. I did not want to jump into a co operative and leave everything behind because if something happened I was worried I would have been in a scary situation, esp with being on low income. I have had to make quick decisions I think.

The co op idea could happen very soon and its about talking to the right people which I am doing and also learning more about it, which is why I am looking into volunteering. My friends I think are looking at my situation now and trying to help and I maybe have not been honest enough with them that I really want to explore the co op but I feel like I cant just keeping jumping from friends to friends as its not fair. But I think I am also sad that I feel the way I do and emotional. I feel like I want to keep my friends happy by having a date and place to were I am moving but I also have wanted to resist anything permanent here.  I have wanted a think just the space to relax.

Maybe the co op idea is not practical straight away, but I so wish it was ! I do not want to let the friends down who have helped me stay with them and are helping me gather bits and pieces for this flat, I feel like I am in too deep really. And with me just staying with them I have felt the pressure to move fast, I suppose.

I think it would also have been a risk to spend the little money I had left to travel to a co op and for it not to go through.

I have spoken to a few co operatives that are looking for members this week and one has said I can visit for a few days and see what everything is like and another has said I can come and look too.

Its just having somewhere to come back too I think, and maybe I have that now , I don’t know

Lynda

Anita thank you ! This is very helpful and I am learning so much from communicating from you !! Lynda

Yes anita you are right,  that is the reason. I also hate how I feel so downtrodden going down the council route filling out forms and answering personal questions, questions I don’t really want to answer to people I do not know. Such as at the council they wanted to know why I had left the last property and what medication I am on for my anxiety and why my family do not support me. Those things are painful for me to have to explain and it is all written down, I think it is that, that it is all written down, esp when I want to move on from my situation. I don’t want to have to prove what benefits I am on or give bank statements because it just makes me feel vunerable and also its almost like the change you want to happen, such as coming off benefits is a longer process almost like a catch 22. I have been side tracked a little by this process at the council and also feel like I will never get out of the benefit system etc. It has felt soul destroying and not given me time to reflect on the next possible move because of course the plan that the council set up you have to follow if you don’t you are intentionally homeless. I don’t know why at times I don’t jump at chances that are offered and take more risks because now after all of this process I am going to live somewhere were I would not chose and that in turn feels like I do not know how to make my situation better. I suppose once I am feeling more mentally rested I will be able to see what my next move is but I am a bit miserable at the moment. Sorry . Thank you for listening

Lynda