Hi Anita

Just to let you know this was a brand new relationship. A relationship that started last year i fell into the same cycle choosing the same partner because I have abandonment issues and a lot of mental issues. My partner of choice has always been flawed and when my partner leaves I feel abandoned, I feel lost I feel broken and most important I feel anger and resentment. I looked at it from a third person’s perspective and couldn’t get over how she was not able to understand my choices . Couldn’t handle how my idea of her was not met. She gave me an impression that she was different she was real and what we had was real which was far from the truth. Being who I am having those abandonment issues I bottle feelings emotions and find it hard to let go . Find it extremely difficult without justice. There’s a lot of issues that I am currently working on .

thank you hope this helps you gain clarity for the situation . I really appreciate this and this is a collection of my thoughts as I go through my anxiety attacks every day . It’s a really painful process. I have hurt some of the most important people in my life making such partner choices.

Dear Anita:

Thank you for replying and sure i am definitely looking forward to your reply. Honestly i just do not want to feel like an insane person for thinking that i was victim of the abuse. as i mentioned above i confronted her before but she will always convince me that i am the abusive one and that i am completely delusional for calling her abusive and controlling this is where the guilt comes in and the self doubt and the question of my own sanity. Am i just delusional for thinking that she abused me and that i am in reality the abuser of this relationship and that i am really this monster she said i am? because i told the same thing to my friends and they told me she is the abusive one but she would go off and tell her family members that i abused her. This made me question whether i am just so delusional to a point where i am creating things in my head to make my self feel less like a monster.

Thank you once again and i hope that through a third person’s point of view i can get a clear picture of the situation that i went through.

Kenny

Dear Anita:

Thank you so much for taking your time to re-read my post and replies and replying to them. They have helped me in terms of letting go even though it is hard. Now to reflect on it here is how i am as a person.

I am naive, i see the best in people even when they hurt me consistently.  No matter how much i have been hurt by my ex but what stops me from moving forward is that she i see the better side in her.  She mistreated me consistently but she also brought me a lot of happiness, good times, good memories things that changed me for the better. Those are also the reasons why i refused to let go and give up on her because even though the relationship was so destructive a big part of me really hoped that through words i can get through to her that she was not kind to me. But instead i would get insulted back and told that i am abusive i am controlling.  After a really rough break of our relationship i shared with my friend about what happened. i told her and was honest about me going to my friend for advice and confide in them.  Not only did she get angry she said unforgivable things to me. Back then she used to break up with me almost every other week and i would tell her i can not take it its torture i want to end my life. I wanted her to know how painful it was to go through this and talk to someone who simply refuses to hear me out. She told me i am weak for going to her to confide and i am weak from having suicidal thoughts. She told me if i really want to do it i should go ahead and jump. That really showed me who she truly was.

I was afraid of her because how she treated me was exactly how my father would treat me, abuse and out of fear i would hide the truth from her. Avoid telling her things even if it really was not such a big deal. Because i was afraid , afraid that she would belittle me she would tell me that i am someone who is trashy useless. After a while the ability to confide in her was gone and i am the type of guy whereby if i ever get into a relationship the person i am with will be someone i share everything good or bad with. Because my parents never gave me the ability to do that. I expected her to be judgement free to stick by my side through both good and bad days. But instead she would tell me be happy by yourself , only then can you come to me cause i can not deal with your bullshit( excuse my language). That really struck me. I tried to explain to her why i confide in another female whom i do not know in person. Whom i met online long time ago. Because i wanted someone to just listen and most importantly i wanted her to listen to be judgement free and hear me out for once. Instead of automatically jump to her own defense and brush off every single hurtful thing she has done. She made me question whether i was insane or not for calling her a control freak and an emotional abuser. Because she would tell me when i confronted her multiples times that she believed in it for a second only to brush it off and tell her self that i am not like that. I do not know how to fix this and it is far beyond fixing since the person that i tried so much to rely on can not even recognize her own mistakes.

She would tell me after the break up that she learnt not to trust people easily and that was it. How can someone who has abused other so clearly blame the other person for their own doings? For starting the arguments the complaints and how can you expect someone to tolerate such behavior. She used to tell me that if i had known you had this dream and want to continue pursing it i would have never been with you. she also told me that her cousin’s husband would say nothing when she gets angry at him and that when she gets angry at me i will rebel and say mean things to her and ask me why can’t i be more like him.

I really do not know what to do cause i know her and because of our arguments i went to a psychiatrist to get some help. The psychiatrist told me that you should bring your girlfriend along to the sessions cause it is clear that she has some issues on her part to fix as well. I told the psychiatrist no, i know her she would refuse change and blame me and the only thing to do is work on myself to be a better partner for her. I truly loved her unconditionally even with the abuse and the insults. I wanted things to work and i do blame myself as you said for not being able to give up on the thought of that.

I would like to elaborate more on the story and how i feel right now.

She would claim that i am abusive and controlling as every time we argue she would want to leave . She would threaten me and use uber app to book a cab. I tried stopping her and she would call me controlling because of that. There’s one incident where I had enough.

we were in the shower and I tried to turn the heater up cause she was complaining about being sick and the water was too cold. As I was adjusting it the water started turning cold so I twisted the handle around to try and fix that she started getting angry at me and that was when I lost it all the months of emotional abuse and blaming me for and telling me to choose between her and my dreams. It got to me that I wasn’t happy . I threw things around and I became very impulsive I accidentally threw her phone out of impulse and she started saying you are the worst person I’ve ever met you are trash.

I tried to harm myself after that punch myself telling her I am sorry I realised I lost my dignity my sanity and again out of impulse I told her to punch me and used her arm (which she went through surgery post accident ) and punched myself resulting in her feeling pain and caused some swelling . She labelled me an abusive boyfriend after that and told her family members about me being abusive.

I tired so so hard to take care of her and put her before my own happiness, sanity and wellbeing. That’s how I feel now like I’ve wasted so much energy trying to please her but what about me? What about what I want to do. What about my happiness? I’m miserable because for the most part I can’t date I can’t go out on dates . Those memories are associated with her and I don’t see myself ever being in love again. I’ve given so much and lost so much of myself and what I fought so hard to achieve that stability . Being a good student. Being healthy active and I started smoking again .

I want to be better but it’s so hard for me to carry forward knowing I have made this mistake once again . It hurts and the blame is on me for letting that happen. For letting someone control what I do and the hardest part is her ego is so up there that I can never get through to her make her think about what she did. And how my actions subsequently got affected because of that

i just want this to stop