Hi Anita,

Apologies for it taking a while for this response; it’s been a pretty hectic few weeks. I just wanted to start out by saying how grateful I am for the time you offered to reply, it really does mean a lot.

In the time that has existed between my previous reply and this one, my ex has announced to the world via social media that she is once again back in a relationship with her ex. That is incredibly troubling, for a number of reasons, and for a time was quite soul-destroying, but it has also offered me some clarity.

I was so sternly under the impression that she was struggling, as she continued to tell me (and that may still be the case), that she was suffering and finding everything so difficult. She continued to tell me that she wanted to be alone; at one point she mentioned that she felt as though she wanted to be ‘alone for an eternity’. I did have the opportunity to tell her how that made me feel, how upsetting it was to think that I, the person she could rely on, was suddenly unable to help her despite my repeated at-least-temporary efforts in the past. How it crushed me to feel that the person I cared about most in the world was struggling and that there was nothing I could do about it. She allowed me to believe that, as did her family, with their repeated claims that she wasn’t doing great and needed to be by herself.

Now, unfortunately, it emerges that it was all a ruse. It was an attempt on her part to make herself feel better, as admitting that the only reason she didn’t love me is because she wanted to get back with her ex would have made her feel like a bad person. So instead of admitting that uncomfortable truth, she allowed me to suffer. That is about as cold and callous as I can imagine. It’s really given me an entirely different perspective. It’s one I’m not entirely comfortable with, but it’s helped in its own little way.

The only thing I’m struggling with now is in my own personal beliefs. I used to have so much faith in human beings, that we’re capable of so much love and that people’s intentions are usually good, even when they get it wrong. I am worried that I’m losing a part of myself by having to admit that, despite how she knew it would make me feel, my ex persisted in her lies in the interest of her own self-preservation. That’s an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with; she hurt me so that she would not hurt. I’m sure that her family knew too, as she lives at home and they would have queried her sleeping elsewhere, but they too kept up he pretends, assuring me that she was struggling and needed to be alone.

i do not hate her, as I’m not a man or hatred, but I am currently struggling to make sense of my own emotions and beliefs. Thank you though for all of your help, you were a light in my darkening room simply because you chose to be, and that is worthy of grace.

michael

Anita,

You’re absolutely right about her son, and I have regularly maintained that that attitude didn’t at all help his situation. I am not like my ex-partner’s mother; I don’t share many of her beliefs and values, so I wouldn’t really try to defend her. I do think though that in most instances it has been a case of mistaking and misinterpreting the situation, rather than actively seeking out a poor outcome. I guess this seems like the most obvious thing in the world to say, but I do feel it provides clarity – there is no way ever that her mother wanted her son to take his own life. What happened was a very unfortunate tragedy, that admittedly may have been encouraged by an ignorant attitude towards his depression.

It is very difficult currently to know where my ex-partner is emotionally due to me being unable to contact her much. I haven’t brought it up with her, but she still has me blocked from social media accounts and only very occasionally there’s a few text messages exchanged. Last we spoke I mentioned that I was struggling with the miscarriage now that I had allowed myself time to grieve instead of supporting, and her attitude was basically that she’s trying not to think about it too much. I get the sense that she is either trying to block it out or she has something holding her back from talking to me and letting me back in. If she is simply trying to ignore it then to be honest I am fearful for her, but there isn’t really much I can do – I told her that I believe in her and have faith in her, but she didn’t reply. She told me during the conversation that she’s fine, and that I should stop worrying, but that’s the only time she’s come across like that – previously she’s accepted that she was struggling. It’s just very difficult to interpret. So in terms of how she’s doing emotionally, I don’t really know. There may be evidence I’m missing, but all the signs would indicate that she’s finding it hard whereas her voice is saying she’s okay; that’s not uncommon anyway when people go through hard times, but I’m worried that she may be blocking things out because she knows she isn’t going to get much sympathy at home. Again, I realise there’s nothing I can do, but it doesn’t stop me being concerned.

I think her mother would do well to be more sympathetic and empathetic, but I don’t really think she’s uncaring. I think her way of caring is very different to mine, for example, and it doesn’t always help, but it is her way of attempting to care.

I would point out that there’s one more piece to the puzzle that I’ve been keeping to myself, mostly because I didn’t really want anybody to think less of the girl I loved. The truth, though, is that she did admit to me after returning from holiday that she had cheated on me with her ex-partner. According to her, she had gone to his house from home one night after drinking heavily and they had sex, and that was that. She told me and it took me a long time to process, a good week really. I was a little ‘off’ for the first few days of that week, explained to her that I was struggling with intimacy and the like but eventually we found our way through. She was in floods of tears after telling me and was clearly very distressed, which absolutely doesn’t excuse her actions but at least proved to me that she was only really telling me because she wanted to salvage what we had. If she didn’t care, she’d have simply kept me in the dark and went back to him I imagine. I eventually got into a headspace where I found the heart to forgive her, despite the betrayal, and she insisted to me that she would ‘make having her at my side worthwhile’. It wasn’t long after this that she removed her ex-partner from her life completely and didn’t speak to him, but since our separation I do know that she’s back in contact with him. That is probably the only reason I’m drawing any anger or resentment at the minute, because after the way he treated her previously, and the distress it clearly caused her to have him around (at least to some extent), I feel a bit betrayed that he now has the right to be her friend and be chatting away etc. but I don’t. I hope it doesn’t really mean anything, but I don’t know what to think about that part. If she has gone back to him, and all of her family and everybody haven’t said a word to me and have been backing up the ‘she needs time to be alone’ stuff, then that would probably crush me. I could find a way through it, but it would feel very cruel. Does any of that even bear thinking about at this point? I’ve been very careful not to react to it in any way. When my ex came to my house less than 2 weeks ago we actually had a laugh at his expense, and made fun of some of his less-desirable, abusive qualities he showed post-breakup to kind of lighten the mood.

As I’m sure you can tell anyway, the lack of clarity is the main thing that’s driving me insane, and I still don’t understand why she won’t speak to me. I know that she’s not apathetic towards me, and I can be pretty sure she doesn’t hate me given that she spent time with me and shared cuddles with me when she came to collect her things, so why? It could be guilt, or it could be a defence mechanism against falling back into a relationship with me; other possibilities do exist. It’s hard because not knowing why means I don’t really know how to treat the situation, so I have to leave her alone, but that genuinely makes me quite concerned for her well-being. I don’t know that there’s a way for me to allay that fear currently.

Anita,

That’s kind of you to say. The one thing I am sure of is that I always did 100% the best by her. Anytime she has been in pain, I helped her to ease it, and likewise with my pain. I do have friends, plenty of them, and they’re good people, but they don’t have  emotional intelligence that she and I do to be able to process these things. I told her when she came to visit on Wednesday (last week) that I still loved her and that I think we’d make fantastic life partners – she said that she loved me, but ignored the other bit.

You’re hitting the nail on the head in some regards. On the night when she came to tell me that she loved me, at midnight, some of the first words out of her mouth were that her mother likes me. She explained that she had broke things off with her previous partner and cried to her mother, fearing that she may have to endure life alone. Her mother’s response at the time was party care and support, but the suggestion that ‘why don’t you get in touch with Mike? He’s always made you happy’. In her words, that flicked a switch that made her realise that not only was her love for me and bond with me strong, but that it was allowed. I guess at the time I didn’t read too much into it – I was too overcome with elation. But it was clearly a factor – not the ONLY factor, I think it’s fair to say – in her finally admitting her feelings.

She is very aware that living with her mother and step-father at this stage of her life is not where she envisioned that she would be. She’s always been determined to make a success of things. I wonder whether in some ways she’s unsure of how to do that on her own. It would go some way to explaining her current behaviour, in the sense that she might be wanting to prove to herself that she’s capable. I believe she is, and so I never held her hand through life anyway; I only offered my support and listening ear when necessary. She has started her new job, which is the first ‘career’-type job she’s ever had. She actually started it formally around a week after leaving me. Maybe she is looking to build herself some freedom in life, to not have her life be as scrutinised as it inevitably is when one lives with parents. I moved out when I was 24, and I’m 26 now – I know that when I got to the end of my time at home I became relatively tired of the whole ‘how are you, where have you been, how did you get on’ etc. Parents are inevitably more involved in our lives than partners, and eventually it can feel a little suffocating – but that’s not a bad thing, it’s just a natural part of growing up and wanting some space.

I think some of her mother’s influence has been negative, but I want to be very clear that not for a second do I ever believe it was intentional – all I know of her mother is that she’s loving and caring, but she approaches life in a very different way to the way that I do, and to the way my ex-partner does when she has the headspace to admit it. She would on occasion tell me about how mum was a very different person to her, but that she still loved her deeply; she’d tell me a silly story, for example, about how mum solved a particular problem and it seemed daft to her, but everything worked out in the end. That sort of thing. I don’t believe there’s ever been any emotional abuse or the like from her mother, she always seems to want what is best for her daughters (there are a few). She does have a very strong relationship with her mother, but they’re quite different people – we’d sometimes talk about their differences when it came to politics, or religion, emotions, motivations, values. But her mother has never imposed her values on her children or anything like that. Her mum does have a bit of ‘people should do it all themselves’ attitude, and I know that can rub off on my ex-partner from time to time, despite her preferring to surround herself with good people and feed off their energy, rather than just create her own.

I was the first person to comfort her after her brother’s suicide *primarily* because she came to me. The first I heard about it was on the day. She got in touch and explained the situation, I went to meet her and did what I could. She said that the family was in a very dark place at that moment, she wanted the external support and she knew that she wanted to speak to me. But I never felt obligated, of course, as soon as she told me I actively wanted to help. I didn’t know much about her family at that time, so my main concern was helping her.

The apology definitely doesn’t erase anything. It did seem to have an impact though – I can’t remember if I said, but it was after the row with her mum that she assured me about coming off medication and making changes in her own interest, but she phrased it in a way that made it definitely seem like she was doing it for me, too. She was promising me that she was coming off the medication, rather than simply telling me that it’s what she was going to do. I didn’t really need that promise, and I did suggest alternatives, but I’m not sure that she ever really needed to assure me about any of it. I trust her and believe in her, whatever decision she would make was worthy of my support.

It’s difficult to say whether her mother’s voice was louder than hers. In some regards, I’m almost inclined to say the opposite might be more true, now that she’s doing the whole needing space thing. My only real evidence for that is that her mother had issued me, and not her daughter, with contact details of a mortgage advisor once we were talking about buying a house together. She had kind of entrusted me with things like that. I did speak to her mother briefly after the breakup – I wished her well and thanked her for nice times spent together, her only response was ‘I’m sorry Mike, but it seems like she has made her mind up and unfortunately for you both she says it hasn’t worked out’. I appreciate her mother might not be being entirely honest, but I am unsure about whether mum would, for example, talk me down to her daughter.

Her mother has outbursts relatively infrequently, but they do occur. The abusive father in all of this was previously an abusive husband too, to perhaps a lesser extent, so they’ve all had a hard time with that for sure.

Like I say, I don’t really think her mother is abusive, I think if anything she’s over-protective. Which is understandable, given the circumstances. And yes, on occasion she would say exactly that, that I was ‘too good to be true’, but it was never meant with any venom or ill-will. It was usually just during an average conversation, say after I had made her a coffee, and we’d laugh about it, but then she’d assure me that she really meant it, and she’s so grateful for having me.

I guess I’m just concerned that if she IS trying to make herself happy right now, for herself, then I’m not sure having him back in her life would give her the freedom to achieve that. I have every faith that she can do it. It’s very strange at the minute, because I’m torn between two very different feelings. On the one hand, if she’s genuinely shutting me out because she needs her space and wants to be alone, as she says, then I’m hopeful that she gets what she needs. I still believe we can be happy together, but from what she’s telling me it’s like she wants to work out how to be happy on her own. I respect that, even if it breaks me. On the other hand, given that she has allowed this man back into her life and shut me out of it, that feels like quite a big betrayal. That sounds like an awful thing to say, and I’m trying very hard to not tap into my anger over this. But he is on her social media, communicating with her, even communicating with her family, whereas I have been deemed unfit for that. After all the wonderful times we had, and everything we’ve done for each other over all these years, never mind the past few months, that feels like a betrayal.

I did try to speak to her again but she ignored me. It may be foolish, but I have simply left her with a message now explaining that I love her and miss her, and reminding her of some of the warm and nice things she’d said about our relationship and friendship. I am still hopeful that at some stage she will open up to me again. There is something holding her back from communicating with me – I am not sure what it is, but I know it’s unnecessary. Other than that last message, I have only ever tried to be light and easy-going when we’ve spoken, briefly, since. The only real time there was ever any intensity was when she came to the house to collect her things, but the intensity came from both of us. It’s also possible I suppose that she realised how great it felt to be in each other’s presence on that day, and for whatever reason she’s decided that she’s travelling a different path and so can’t bear to speak to me. A little honesty and clarity on that would go a long way though – I have no idea if she’s struggling or not, and that’s quite a painful cross to bear when it’s someone that you used to share everything with and support each other through everything.

Hi Anita,

I have an update, so I’ll go through some of that as I try to answer some of your queries. Thanks again for your help.

Neither of us have attended counseling or long-term therapy, no. My ex partner did though speak to her doctor after my advice – it was after she had her medication changed during that meeting that she was finding everything a bit tough. But as (I think?) I’ve already said, her family are not particularly good with depression. They believe that a bacon sandwich and a shower can cure mental health, they have a kind of nonchalant attitude, so I’m almost positive she’s not dealing with it at the moment.

I desperately hope that she can come to associate me with something positive. It’s very strange – when she came to collect her things the vibes were very positive, we had a nice time really. But now I have tried to reach out, only briefly, and the response has been incredibly muted. I have a job interview coming up mid-September, so I asked if she would like to meet at the end of September (I would point out that meeting up to re-talk about things was her suggestion, not mine). The only response I got was that she would probably be working. After I explained that I know she’s busy and I’m not too concerned about setting a date, and that I just would like to be sure she’s up for it, she said it’s just ‘too soon’ and I haven’t heard from her since. Meeting up at the end of September was her suggestion, it’s what she wanted and I agreed, now I’ve suggested it and suddenly it’s not a good idea. That’s a difficult thing to get to grips with, it makes me think that she’s just fooling me – I know that’s awful, and I still trust her and believe in her massively, but I guess it just makes me worried that my belief is misplaced. It’s as though she only said that to make everything smoother, but doesn’t really believe in it. Or she’s changed her mind. But either way she won’t tell me, despite the fact that we still haven’t fallen out.

The thing is, I’m not sure that she will agree to the therapy, in fact I’m convinced that she won’t. She has struggled with anxiety and mild depression for years, but she’s only ever seen a General Practitioner Doctor, never a therapist. I don’t know that she’s even ready to accept that she might be struggling. Or maybe she isn’t, maybe it’s all just to make her feel less guilty about the real reasons behind the breakup. My mind is playing all sorts of tricks on me – I know that she got upset when we spoke briefly about the miscarriage a week ago, but it’s like it hasn’t mattered at all to her since. She may be blocking out the pain, which isn’t healthy.

I broke down last night. It was the first time I had allowed myself to grieve for the baby. I’m hurting a lot, and because I trust and believe in her, I have decided to wait out the struggle because she said at some stage she would like to speak to me and air things out. A miscarriage is a massive deal for a woman, and I understand that, but it’s becoming pretty problematic for me too. I don’t want to have to see a doctor if there’s a chance I can see her first. I’m desperate to not put any pressure on her. All I know is that when she miscarried I maintained my strength so that I could support her, and helped her through the process. Now I’m struggling, because it’s been long enough that I’m allowing myself to struggle, and I don’t have her to rely on in any way like I had previously. I think I may try to get in touch today and explain to her that I’m struggling, and then see if she offers me any clarity on why exactly she won’t communicate with me. Would that be the right thing to do? She hasn’t told me to leave her alone, she has only told me that she would like to keep in touch, but on current evidence it would appear that it’s simply not true. The reasons why could be benign or malicious, but I still believe they’re benign. But she hasn’t really offered any clarity as to WHY she isn’t speaking, all I know is that she isn’t.

I’m finding it very hard. I know it won’t make me feel better if all of my trust and belief has been misplaced, but I also know that the clarity will at least ease my weary head. I’m not sure how best to approach this at the moment.

Anita,

No you’re right, there’s no concrete evidence regarding any relation between valium use and miscarriage, but there are certain sources that say it’s possible, simply because it’s shutting down bodily functions. In the airport she was almost catatonic to be honest, I had to negotiate with the airline to let her onto the plain. She was sick in the airport and just generally looked very unwell. It may be that the valium had no effect whatsoever, but I believe there was a part of her brain that was blaming herself for it all and it’s reasonable to assume that she would have found fault in taking it, even if that’s not the case. Without going into too much detail, she was also sexually abused as a child by the family doctor – since then she’s always had this deep-rooted feeling that what the doctor did may have ruined her chances of having children due to her never getting pregnant before despite unprotected sex, but because of the circumstances involved she’s never been to see a medical professional about it. When it comes to things like that, as I’m sure you can imagine, she finds it all very difficult. I had to sit in with her on a smear test a few months back and she visibly shook whilst I held her hand.

I’ll answer your final question first – I know basically everything there is to know about her family life. I know that our relationship was not of a great length, but as I say we’ve known each other for around 7 years now and relied on each other (whether that was as friends or lovers) at some of the most important junctures in our lives. When I first moved into my own place, she was the first person to come and support me through it. When her brother committed suicide some years ago, I was the first person to give her comfort. We were only friends at the time, but we’ve been through an awful lot together. She has a poor relationship with her father and an overwhelmingly strong one with her mother. Previously she was engaged some years ago to a young man who cheated on her frequently and didn’t treat her particularly well – I remember going through some self-care stuff with her at one stage and the next time I aw her she had left him. She would tell me sometimes during our relationship that she didn’t feel worthy of all the wonderful things I have to give (that’s how she phrased it); however, it’s important to note that every single time I managed to convince her that she was worthy, that I had chosen to love her, and she was always grateful. She called it a ‘background noise’ that just rumbles every now and again, but in her more frequent better moments she knew it wasn’t true.

1) Yes, I suppose that is possible. In fact that is the most frightening thing to me right now – for so long, even before being lovers, w associated each other with care, support, and love, and I am worried that she now may only come to associate me with the pain of what has happened. She has unblocked me of course and spoke to me the other day, I am hopeful that she keeps in touch going forward. She said that she wanted to, so for the moment I should trust that she wants to and that she will, right? I feel like the hope of being able to reconcile at least something between ourselves id better than consigning us to defeat in the face of tragedy.

2) It’s very difficult though to gauge what the truth actually is. She was visibly troubled when we spoke briefly about the miscarriage post-breakup, but we held each other for a long time and assured each other that we do love each other. There would be no need for that if she didn’t feel it, would there? This is all post-breakup, when she came to the house to collect the last of her things. I appreciate there’s no easy way to learn the truth without her being involved in telling it. She did say that we can revisit some things in a month or two if necessary, talk and have a few drinks etc. At this point I believe that’s a fantastic idea, because at least it will give me the chance to seek whatever bits of clarity I need and also give us both a chance to express how we truly feel. Arranging a meetup though could be tricky to negotiate.

3) On the contrary, she would tell me that she too felt everything was brilliant before the miscarriage. It was before we went on holiday that we discussed getting a house together at her suggestion. She told me that I was perfect for her in so many ways only days before the holiday, and that she knew that she could achieve anything with me by her side. I helped her to land a great job and everything seemed to be heading in the correct direction. I was never cautious with her pre-miscarriage, as we made a commitment to be honest and open. She did at times say that things felt a little bit intense, but would regularly assure me that it was only because she was working two jobs as she transitioned into her new work and was finding it difficult to find time and space. Post-miscarriage I was cautious, only because I could see that she was troubled but was also very aware that she wasn’t opening up too much about it. Previously she’d always been open with me about things that were troubling her and we found a way through it, together, but in this instance she closed up. I didn’t want to pry, in respect of that.

So I guess the truth is that she definitely does have her issues, and her demons, as we all do. But that does not make her incapable of love – my belief in her as a human being has never once wavered. It’s almost impossible to accept that those feelings of love disappeared overnight. We didn’t fall out too badly, we didn’t spend any more/less time together, everything was pretty normal. The miscarriage was clearly still weighing heavily, and I can’t really see past it at this stage. All she has said to me is that she loves me, she believes that I will be able to love someone else, that she’s sorry and upset that it’s gone like this, and that she needs to be alone now. But all of those things were said whilst her hormones were still recovering from tragedy – it’s definitely possible that that has had an impact on her thought patterns isn’t it?

I would really like to arrange the meetup with her at some point but I am unsure how to approach the subject. Do you think it’s a good idea? And how would you go about it? I am desperately worried that if she associates me with the loss and pain that she experienced, then she’ll be trying her absolute hardest to forget me, even though I feel there’s a part of her that still feels as strongly as I do. I fear that in her mind now will be only the last month of the relationship, from the miscarriage onwards, when it all got too rough. I want to see her so that we can calmly reflect on some of the fantastic moments we’ve spent together – I hope that makes her feel more positive in herself, and more positive about us as a team. She evidently does not hate me, so it’s hard for me to accept that it’ll all just amount to nothing. And of course I miss her, I miss her terribly. My life is okay, and I’m plodding along, but we enhanced each other to new levels. I’m not being arrogant, or living in denial – I am genuinely struggling to understand why this current mess persists. Maybe she needs time to overcome certain things – but is it right for me to hold onto the hope that we will again be a part of each others’ lives?