raventrue – what you said about maybe the universe is telling me to use this as a bridge to a new life is a good point. It really resonated with me, because, you see…right now, i feel like I’m stalling in my ‘recovery’ because i feel so torn about where i should be. it’s weird being in ‘his’ country and feeling like i ‘don’t belong here’. and yes, most other people would return to their home country but my situation is a little more complicated – my home country was merely my country of birth. my army parents moved me around the globe and neither of them (now divorced) even live there. I’ve never felt that ‘connection’ to home, so in many ways the world really is my oyster (visas pending of course), but when something so earth shattering as this happens, you need and crave familiarity. i truly feel like I’m starting from scratch, not just as a newly single woman. thank you for writing what you did, i really appreciate your words and i wish you well.

christine – also, thanks, knowing I’m not alone in such a lonely process helps. youre right about the guilt factor…all these ‘should be better’, ‘should be over this’, ‘should be stronger’ crap wears me down. i used to take such pride in my strength and yet…it has been obliterated. maybe i was naive to believe anything such as a marriage could last forever. I’m not religious and our vows reflected that, but i truly did believe he was my life partner and was willing to out up with a lot of his shit (infidelity, lying0 early on in our relationship because i believed in him. we grew stronger and really got over it. yet….the struggles i fced in moving my life for him..he wasn’t willing to show me the same kinds. and I’m not sure ill ever be able to let that go.

everyone – thank you. your words are so important to me right now.

I think you may be right. I was in denial for a long, long, long time. I obsessively read our correspondence from years past, text messages between us, the love we once shared in some kind of sick and twisted ‘connection’ to him. I couldn’t even move his things out because having them there were a comfort to me. I did, only recently, put his belongings (he left and never took a thing) in boxes and ask a friend to coordinate with him picking them up. I did not have any desire to see him…which i was desperate for not long ago.

Still. The pain. I am so lost and confused and hate that this is my life. Im not sure ill ever recover and find myself, my happiness, my purpose ever again. I gave him so much and thought we were good. thought we had something special…gosh ,we certainly didn’t rush into marriage and the decision to make this global move.

I just want to go back in time and make things right…and that’s the part i fear. That i still have those thoughts. That i can at times get swept up in the idea of not existing without him..because i am so =, so unhappy. it seemingly takes years to detangle yourself emotionally, physically, sexually from a partner, yet since he left, i know he left rather easily and happily and has moved on to his ‘new’ life. I can’t ever imagine meeting anyone and ever trusting, being open to the things i did with him. I worked hard on myself and my fears/trust/self-love before taking the plunge in committing and agreeing to this move. And this is how i’ve been repaid. Maybe it was always going to happen? Maybe he was in a bad place? I will never know, but how do you accept that? Belive in yourself again, believe you’ll love again, trust that someone has something you want/love.

I’m very detached from my family. Always have been and in many ways I’ve been lucky to have fantastic friends who i consider my ‘family’. He too, was my family. As was his family. And now…silence.

We still live in the same town (though I’m desperately trying to get myself back to the country we loved prior – it was a place we both loved but its where my friends and comfort are). It looks increasingly like i need to stay here though before i can leave, to complete the divorce and attempt to ‘fix’ myself.

I am really am tired. I just want to be loved again. this has shaken me to my core and made me feel like i am worthless. And as an outsider looking in…how sad is this? I don’t always want to live because of this. It’s painful. My patens have distanced themselves as they seem to think i need to “get over it”. Like I said, we aren’t close and this kind of reaction is standard.

I am jealous of my wonderful friends so avoid them on email and text. Everyone my age is having children, enjoying family life, living fulfilling and happy lives and I’m bitter and angry and have convince myself ill be alone. I know people care and want to help, but being surrounded by it…reminds me of my loss and the great sadness i am experiencing.

And yet he walks around happy and without a care in the world. Who does this? What kind f human being is like this? did i get him wrong? Did i make the wrong decision? Did i jump in too soon? I can’t cope.

beautifully put….thank you