Hi Beth,

My name is Kavetha and I am a psychiatrist and someone who is always trying to learn more about how to listen and have better conversations, since thats what I primarily do for a living 🙂

My suggestions would be:

Ask clarifying questions: for e.g; if the person is talking about her commute to work: ask how she gets to work and how long it takes etc;

Don’t over pepper with questions though: let the conversation flow naturally and ask the next question when there is a slight lull

Mimicking body language of the other person is helpful too. It activates neurons in the brain called “”mirror neurons”, which makes both people in a conversation feel empathy. For e.g.: If the person is sitting and slumped over, sit down nearby; whereas if he/she is excitedly pacing, then stand up and ask if they want to chat while walking etc;

Also, while making eye contact, its helpful to look into the other persons LEFT eye. since signals from the left eye go mainly to the right part of the brain which is more emotionally attuned. But be careful to not stare.

Smiling is good, as long as it feels genuine (We are all remarkably good at picking up on fake smiles).

Sometimes, just nodding and “uh-huh” or “oh wow that must have been hard” etc; is enough to show the person you are interested and following their train of thought, but not interrupting or finishing their sentences for them.

Open non judgmental listening, without preconceived ideas or solutions is always helpful.

Amy Cuddy, a brillant psychologist who studies this, has an awesome TED talk that I also learnt a lot from:

Let me know if you have ay other specific questions, would love to help answer them.

Best,
Kavetha
http://www.talk-doctor.com

Dear s042288b,

I just read your post above and can feel how worried you are. I wanted to share that DBT might be something to look into. Its called Dialectical Behavior therapy and it helps with some of the symptoms you have mentioned. I’m a psychiatrist which is how I know about it. It has four main parts: Mindfulness, Distress tolerance, Interpersonal effectiveness and emotion regulation.

Here is some more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

Also, I would suggest talking to your PCP about other possible resources.

Wishing you peace and joy,
Kavetha
http://www.talk-doctor.com

Hello everyone,

One thing that has helped me with guilt is to do what I can to the people/situation that is remaining now. For e.g: I said something hurtful to an aunt many years ago, and she passed away before I could ask for forgiveness. After much thought, I spoke to her daughter, gave an outline of what I had mis-spoken in the past to her mom, and asked for forgiveness. I beleive the healing is still real, because I had openly acknowledged it to the most closely related person/situation that remains NOW, asked for forgiveness and that helped assauge my guilt too.

The past is gone, not real anymore. Never will be. But the present is here and in our hands. Every small act TODAY, practised with loving kindness toward yourself and others, helps.

Have a wonderful day!

-Kavetha

Dear Midge and fellow “tiny buddhas”,

Midge, I love how you used “allow to fall away”, rather than “try to fix”. When we look at “fixing” something within us, it can often feel like a race we can never win….thee is always something new to fix, some new “deficit”, but your “allow to fall away” feels to me like a leaf that is allowing a water droplet to just fall away when it’s time. Me likey 🙂

@ Vincent: I TOTALLY relate to that Vincent! It is addictive but exhausting looking to the blogosphere for validation as a writer. Maybe we should start a support group here for this? What say you? BTW, love your blog!

I’m trying to let fall away the worry that my younger brother, who is struggling, will not be happy….but also trying to remind myself that happiness itself is relative and to enjoy him for this moment

Hugs to all our worries and I hope we can learn to let them fall away naturally.

-Kavetha