Hi Anita,

Your posts are of meaning to me, I’m not sure what i did wrong.

Hi Anita,

I am aware that there can be personal biases in terms of talking Regards to the cute guy I only told one of the boys and the two girls that I like him prior to me telling them about his behaviour. The other people I just told them about the way he acted and that I thought it was a weird behaviour. They then said that it’s because he likes me and that he isn’t like that with other women. The boy said maybe he is just awkward around you because he can tell you like him and that he doesn’t like you that way. I thought that was a very valid point. But then why go from talking to me normally and then instantly getting nervous when he asked me to go to the bar with him. Only after I acepted he started looking at me and talking more normally. I wanted them to focus on his behaviour and not my feelings because if they just tell me what I wanted to hear and not what they think his behaviour actually means then I would get hurt. This is why i always push men away and second guess their every move. I never wanna believe that a guy i like likes me and then risk getting hurt that’s why if the cute guy had one day where we didn’t really talk i would think then he doesn’t like me. My colleagues( (whom I talked to on one on one basis didn’t know i liked him just that I thought his behaviour was weird) they started laughing at me for not picking up on him trying to get me to eat at a turkish restaurant, I thought he was trying to get rid of me. Him being awkward when the boys and girls were snifing me and wanted me to spray my parfume on his wrists, i said to them about the situation “you wanna smell like a girl for the rest of the party?” she went of course not! He wanted to smell like you! That he sounded mad/frustreted when he kept saying but who is gonna pour me a beer(before the friend housewarming) he knew who could pour him a beer it’s the same person that takes over from me in the café every Saturday and two girls in the bar could have don it. She went no! The who means you! That’s why he was frustreted with you for not picking up on it, and why he when he finally got to the party he ended up right next to me even though i was the person  that was hardest to get to. Two boys at work (on separate occasions) told me that the thought he seemed jealous when he saw us talking along and that he talked very loud to draw attention to himself. That was something that i didn’t notice. My mom asked me if something was going on between me and him based on his interaktions with them when he came over to introduce himself to them. I never told my mom about him.

I also didn’t want to read his general anxiety as interest in me. We both have days where we shut down socially due to lack of readources, that’s not something i take personally. But when he was talking to my other female colleagues he is fine and then turns around and gets nervous talking to me. Then he is acting different around me. Like didn’t react to his female friend (that he works reception with) but reacted and invited himself to my housewarming, him not reacting to his really good friend getting creepy comments from men but got mad when he heard about my experiences, the other boy who is friends with both of us didn’t react to any of the comments. I don’t think that someone likes someone based on what they are doing but the way they are doing it. My colleagues also tell me when they think I’m reading too much into something or if they think i am wrong.

The guy I was with earlier this year, did a lot of things that indicated that he like me. He wanted to go out and do stuff with me alone. He started offering me to try his food using his own fork (I wouldn’t do that with just everybody) but he was a perfect gentleman so I wasn’t sure it was more than that. Not until he kissed me that I finally was convinced that he really liked me. When I told my friends they said you really didn’t see it? It was kinda obvious. Even the guy that was on the spectrum knew he liked me.

Dating in this city seems harder due to the many nationalities. There is so many cultures that all act differently.

They thought my sister was faking it because they couldn’t find out what was wrong. And because they couldn’t find out what was physically wrong with her they thought i was mental and based on her age 11 y. They thought it was teenager kinda behaviour. She had two things wrong at the same time and that caused the doctors to be confused by her behaviour. My country is one of the wealthy one’s but our healthcare system has been under founded and understaffed for many years so doctors are insanly stressed which causes more mistakes.

I really wanted all of us to have terapy me and my sister did but not my parents. I also wanted them to have it, not just because of my sister and what they had to deal with(i was a child so i could just go to my room to take a break they couldn’t) but also because of their traumatic childhood.

Sorry for the long post. I talk alot because it relieves me of stress but I know people don’t really want to hear someone go over the same thing over and over again. If i talk to much let me know.

Hi Tee,

Yes they were all we have your back, we will help you out! Which to me felt like weight being talen off of my shoulders, because I felt that it would take off the pressure and my performance anxiety (wanting to show off my personality to him, which I can’t because I become paralysed with anxiety)

Yes I feel very betrayed by them. They get drunk and they start touching him and dansing around him, and talking about him and his birthday party in a place where a can hear them when they know how I feel. I know that there’s nothing romantic going on between them but I still feel like I have been betrayed. I struggle a lot with trust.

Hi Tee,

No my parents were always 100% sure that there was something physically wrong but because they doctors couldn’t figure out what they kept saying it’s was just a teenage girl trying to get attention. But my parents did treat me different than my sister, they didn’t have the recoursses to deal with two sick children and so I had to fight my own battles. I don’t really remember that much from my life I have been told stuff by other people. I do remember that whrn ever my sister or family member would hurt me they didn’t really want to deal with it, so they always told me to forget about it.

Like when I was ten I got a pet bird and when I told my grandmother she called me an animals abuser. I went home crying but was told to not think about it. Same with my sister, the didn’t defend me because they knew she would trow a rage fit and the didn’t have energy to deal with it. That makes you feel worthless. Like it’s okay for other people to hurt you, you are not worth protecting.

The seven days I just did although busy wasn’t really that bad. I have gotten a bit more sleep, I am not in pain any more i went out with some friends from work. I also think it helped that the girl (the one adding pressure on me before my yoga date with the cute guy) is working temp in another country until december. So there’s not the drama triangel at the moment, and it makes me feel more relaxed.

Hi Tee,

I know exactly what you mean. Doing therapy without seeing progress is so defeating. It makes you feel so broken at least it did for me. I spend most my life trying to fix myself so I could be normal like everybody else.

Yes not good therapy. I was forced from a young age to do things that was way too overwhelming for me, and I wasn’t ready for it. That’s the thing when it is mental, people expect you to go from 0-100 and if you can’t they say it’s because you don’t have the will.

People didn’t (and still to this day) respect my boundries. Which is one of the reasons my i am so hard on myself. I was always told just to push myself harder and that it was not okay to say no because that way your anxiety wind. So listening to my body and giving it rest when it needs is super important. Be my own gatekeeper and if my body is giving me the red light, people should’t try and convince me that it’s a green light.

Seeing the situation with the guy as a game to take the pressure off, is a really good idea! That would make it a lot easier. Same with empathy and compassion. Towards him and myself. We both have a lot of trauma. His worse than mine. As my guy colleague who works with him said, you both have the exact same behaviour just not at the same time. Which is true, one pursues the other shuts down and then we’d swap.

I have felt very help less in terms of feeling like it was out of my control. But there were soo many times were he trying to conect with me but I didn’t have the courage to take the chance.

I should have stayed that day in the bar where i got jaloux because the girl was hitting on him. He wasn’t flirting back.

The day he came to my little housewarming he forgot his hat and wrote me about it after. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to come back for it (then we would have been alone at my house) but I was scared that he might reject it, so i just told him i would bring it to him.

Him indicating that he wanted to have a drink with me before going to our friends housewarming, but I was too anxious to say yes and I could tell he felt abit rejected.

And the turkish restaurant just to name a few. There were many times where I could have Challenge myself but I was too scared. It helps think i g about because it gives me some sense of control back. Sometimes we want something so badly but just aren’t able to take the neccesary steps to actually making it happen.

Hi Tee,

I have never heard about Dr. Nicole Lepera but I will definitly check it out.

Hi Tee,

Yeah the inner critic didn’t do anything good for me anyhow so new approach can’t hurt. It will take time for me before i feel more like myself again, but man a lot of bad stuff has happened lately across a lot of areas no wonder my system is overloaded.

Talking really helps but people always gets tired of listening to someone talk about thf same thing over and over again. For me it releases stress and calms me. Trauma work really is a lot hard work so i have to take breaks and rest as well.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m not used to it, I have a very harsh inner critic but it never did me any good. maybe self compassion is the way to go, looking at this situation with the guy as a learning opportunity instead of a failed romance. I’m proud of the way I got through yesterday. It was the first time I have seen him at work since last friday (the day after the staff party) he came over and smile and talked a bit. It was his actual birthday, they usually give people off on their birthdays then after he came over to the café where I worked and had drinks until two of his friends arrived. Some thought it was a bit weird that he would spend his birthday at work. I wished him a happy birthday continiued with my work and when I finish my shift he was playing pool with friends I looked at him smile and said bye. Being respectful and tried to show that I wasn’t affected by his present.