Hi Tee,

Yes he is quite troubled, like my collegue said that guy’s all over the place. I would definitly have endended up triggering each other, because in some aspects we all completely alike and have our own unhealthy coping mechanisms that would have worked against us. With the guy earlier this year, he had a stable childhood (and life) so it was just me who got triggered when he got too close. I was bouncing off of him like a rubber ball, but he kept staying there, meaning that it made it easier for me to let my guard down. With me and the cute guy, we both bounce. Like sometimes when I get nervous I use humour to cope, but he didn’t pick up on the fact that I was joking and he took it personally and got defensive and sometimes he says something innocent I end up getting defensive so your right it wouldn’t have been the dream I have in mind.

I’m gonna start to watch Dr Nicole Lepera’s videos tonight. Being in the overwhelming state of fight/flight is by far the harddest for me to deal with. Like the time in the bar where a girl was flirting with him, that one was so strong it took me a week to return to my baseline. A process a want to speed up so for one I don’t do anything that I might regret and also because it’s extremely hard on your mind a body to be in.

There’s a lot of situations at the moment where I can try this. One being around him and trying to keep my anxiety at a level, and try to make conversations with him as I do with every one else. Two is that three people left work and they hired 11 new people to work reception. It is hard for me to have that many new people to deal with(they all have been really nice) but the pretty girls they have hired to work reception with him always makes me very jealous. That is not something new, I have reacted the same way with every new girl they hired since April. Maybe it is because there’s something that’s important to me (him) and that it is something outside my control. I don’t like being in control it is a trigger for me. My flatmate has also moved out which I am sad about because it worked really well between us, tomorrow a couple moves in. It’s a small flat with only two rooms and one bathroom, so I am very nervous about how it’s going to be going forward. I hope they are nice.

I’m gonna reach out to more people and go out and have fun. It’s good for me and I get to do more then just work and then go home.

I am hoping the X and Y invite me to their party, because I still feel like they are my primary group, and would be nice to try being around friends again on my birthday.

Hi Tee,

That feels really good to hear. I have been beating myself up really badly lately so it’s good to hear. Focusing on the process instead of the end results, and I’ve actually stepped out of my comfort zone quiete a lot I need to remember that. I’m also trying to think about it more nuanced, like right now he’s stuck in my head as this amazing fantasy of what could have been. But having feelings for someone and what it’s like actually being with them is two different things. I have been focusing on the fact that we have many things in common that we could have bonded over like we both have a past, anxiety and a diagnosis. But that could also have worked against us, having a past that’s contanly getting triggered. Like Anita said so well in a post that a person who is unwell is not inclined to think much or care much about how his/her behaviour affects others. He has been drinking a lot lately, he knows it’s bad for his health a tries to stop but still ends up doing it. He used to work 8 jobs and party to the early morning, sleep two hours and then start again. I have been isolating myself a lot lately, been very agitated and moody and extremely reactive. I can go from 0 to a 100 in a split sec emotionally and it’s really hard on my health. I can start seeing the difference between being regulated, I’m open, more authentic and can see him with empathy and that me being interested is just a really big compliment. When I’m dysregulated I view everyone as an enemy, someone who will hurt me even my friends and family regardless of them proving otherwise. So now I know that when I start isolating, getting defensive and pushing people away and wanting to cut all ties with them (like I felt with him, getting angry and wanted to  completly ignore him) then I need to give myself a time out because I am not myself. Learning to self regulate is something I need to learn.

Saying to myself that people are actually interessted in hanging out with me, feels weird. Like I’m not completly convinced that they do. But many people at work has in fact reached out and wanted to spend time with me which they didn’t have to so they must see something good in my company. Last night Y and I was supposed to go out for a drink just the two of us, but we 9 other people (mostly staff) ended up joining. That would normally have made me insanly nervous because more people having fun drinking makes me feel like the outsider. But it was really fun and I didn’t walk away feeling sad. So that was another win for me.

I am hoping that someone will ask me to join them for New Year’s Eve, to feel included. I don’t want to have to feel like I have to invite myself because that would make me feel pathetic. I’m gonna be working on New Year’s Eve (and be home for Christmas) everybody at work want’s New Year’s off so they can party. If nobody ask then I will celebrate at work probably.

Sorry for the long post.

Hi Tee,

It’s really good to hear. I think it’s partly because of all the stressors that came all at once that really activated those old wounds that haven’t been healed yet. I’ve isolated more stopped eating and sleeping which definitly doesn’t make it easier to recognise when you start reacting to something from the past. My brain been constanly scanning for threats, I have been a lot more aggitated and reactive than two months ago, I am getting better now though.

I have also isolated myself more from X and Y because of jalousi, because they are friends with him and get to spend time with him I really want that as well, we have a lot in common and with us both having anxiety we could have been good support for each other. Just a couple of days ago him and Y were talking next to me about new years eve, she said oh you are going abroad, he said that he wasn’t sure anymore. She then said she wants to celebrate with a close group of friends and I fear that they are gonna celebrate together as a group without me. New year’s eve is my birthday and one that activates a lot of old wounds, celebrating without any friends but with my parents and their friends. That is really really hard, being without friends on your birthday and knowing that everybody else are celebrating that day with their friends, is extremly hurtful. And seeing them talk hurts a lot.

Regarding him I’m shifting between missing him (I even tear up and it’s so stupid) and getting really angry with him and wanting to just cut him off and ignore him.

He was in a good mood the day of his actual birthday said hi and that he hadn’t seen me in a long time and how I had been. I didn’t know that it was his birthday at that point cuz they don’t make you work on your birthday. He celebrated with two friends and his brother came, it looked very nice and relaxing but one of our collegues asked about his birthday after she said he seemed disappointed. He also asked me if I needed help carrying something which he did. But yeah being treated different than the other female collegues hurts, he’s so relaxed around them (and female guests) and it stings.

One thing I have realised is that my anxiety around someone I like isn’t social anxiety but me getting triggered because of vulnerbility. Because now I like you you have the power to break  my heart and I need to protect myself. I was completly fine around him in the beginning but then I got to the point where I really wanted something to happend between us, and then he winked at me and I felt this rush in my body. I remeber thinking oh no not again, now I am gonna be really anxiouswhen being around him. I’m also mad at myself for the times I had a change to spend time with him, but let my anxiety win. Like the first time he asked me to the bar and I left. He wasn’t flirting with her but I was jaloux and I was afraid that maybe I read him wrong. Or not having a beer with him before the party, or the turkish restaurant, or when he left his hat at my house I really wanted him to come pick it up so we had some alone time, but I was afarid of rejection so just told him that I would bring it to him. I need to forgive my self for not being better at handling my anxiety in those situations, I feel like my anxiety defeeded me.

I have his message about his anxiety saved on my phone. I have always been shamed for my anxiety and told I need to push harder. Hearing someone open up and tell about his own anxiety and reassure me several times that I had absolutly nothing to apologize for was really nice to hear.

Hi Tee,

Yes exactly. He couldn’t come to the first housewarming (he had the late shift) but came to the second one, she did two so the ones that worked the first one could come as well.

Wow I really didn’t see it that way. I really felt like they didn’t care and was starting to exclude me from outtings because they didn’t like me enough. But I did in fact turn them down more times that I realised.

X said to me on about the 2nd housewarming that the cute guy and another guy from reception (another former roommate of mine) were gonna go together when they finished their shift 30 min after me, and that I should go with them (she mentioned it twice). I wanted to but I was really anxious because way more people was gonna attend this one (all collegues of mine and people I get on with) but arriving to a party where people are allready partying makes me soo nervous. And second because of the cute guy. I was really thinking about joining them but then my former roommate said that he needed to get ready first (he takes a loong time to get ready, longer than me) so it would have just been me and the guy I liked alone. I regretted that decision after, he kept saying but who’s gonna pour me a beer but he knew who could do it (a man and two other girls) It would have been a good way of challenging myself, and to do something even though I was really nervous.

It’s good to hear you say that you don’t think that they think any less of me. I have been known for doing the Irish goodbye so I can see it makes sense to stop inviting someone to something they don’t like and always say no.

I react quite strongly to rejection or even perceived rejection.I really feel like people only ask me because they are trying to be polite, and not because they genuinely want to spend time with me. It has happened a lot, like there’s a part of me that want to hear them fight for me but I never believe them when they do.

Yes It’s really frustreting. I thought that that would be over after. I once had a crush on a guy and he could tell i lseemed to like him but he never gave me anything back or flirted with me, he just treated me like any other woman. So I quickly knew nothing was going to happend it only made it easier, because then the pressure was off I didn’t have to empress him, after that he started teasing me and I knew that now I was accepted as a friend. But he is still acting awkward around me the same way he did before, and at times it even made me a bit mad. Like you don’t have the right to be awkward around me if you only see me as a friend  (or just a collegue), if that’s the case then you should treat me the same way you treat the other female collegues. But he is still acting as before.

About his message on his anxiety your right. I didn’t reply It took me some days before I even read it, and I thought that if I replied then I would make a fool of myself.

Hi Tee,

Sorry I don’t think I articulated it well. So X (X the girl working reception, Y the girl in the café) asked me two days before if I liked to go to a pub with them because they had free pints that day ( a week of celebrations in the city) I accepted and it felt good to be included. The next day the cute guy came to cover my break and they asked him so we are going to a pub with her and two boys tomorrow would you like to join? He accepted. I was glad but at the same time my anxiety got really high. The next day right before going we sat with him and talked a bit before going. I had taken the girls to my favorite breakfast place and the loved it, so X told the cute guy It’s really good! She will take you there! He looked at me and smiled, and I got nervous and started rambling about scrambled eggs. Days later I told them that I liked him and she said that she did notice that I seem rather shy that day. We went to the pub and us three girls sat down, the cute guy took the seat infront of me. We then went to another pub and X asked me for my Instagram, They both really like my picture and talked about my curly hair. They then went out for a cigarette cute guy joined them (not a smoker but a party smoker) he got thier Instagram (I found out later that day and I felt like an outsider because he didn’t get mine, so started distancing me a bit more to him) He looked at me and said it was nice we should do this again, later he said that he was supposed to be somewhere else but still stayed for more than an hour. He hugged us goodbye and left. Some days later I told them I liked him and that’s why I was awkward.

I never gave them much details about my interactions with him. I told them I liked him and then we talked about my anxiety, Y (the girl who works café/bar) said don’t worry we got your back. We never talked about any specific things they could do to help. The only other thing about my interactions I shared with them was the day at the pub (me and him alone) Y was away on holiday and she wrote me about him I told her about the pub and how he asked me to which she replied I’m so happy yes the signals are there. Few days later X texted me so Y just told me about you guys goin to a pub together that must have been nice. Thats what I shared with them. They did ask me to join them for drinks but now it was more about drinking until late, instead of a pub. I do way better with pubs then clubs. I get overwhelmed in a busy environment like that.

X asking a lot of questions made me very anxious  because I felt I had to perform. One of the reasons it’s so hard for me to talk to my crush is because i want to show my best self, but I just end up paralysed not knowing what to do or say.

The girl who I went to a pub talked it over and gave me pointers is another female collegue of mine. We went out just the two of us, she worked reception with him as well. I told her that he is a very arkward and nervous guy and she was went, what that guy no he isn’t! She mentioned the times were I had my chances to met him halfway but instead blew him off. Something she said I need to work on, which she is right, I have done this in other situations with other guys and I always end up regretting it after. It’s just so hard when I am anxious.

After that (two days before the staff party) I wrote and apologized for my behaviour and talked about my anxiety and it makes me rude. He wrote back and assured me that I had nothing to worry about and then started talking about the fact that he has a lot of anxiety and the same things happens to him so he knows how it feels like and I don’t need to feel sorry. He was really nice, I didn’t reply to his messages.

I was too fast to react to not being invited out for drinks that day (they have asked me to join for drinks after work but I have been so exhausted after work that I said no a couple of times. The cute guy wasn’t with them that day and neither was other collegues apart from one guy working the bar. That guy was the one that was my roomate, the one he came to the bar asking about me. The cute guy started asking him about me but my roommate only remembered he said bla bla Katrine bla bla Katrine to which he said yeah yeah and walked away. I wish I knew what he said. I know that he though that I still lived there but I didn’t. The day the guy told him that he thought that I was interested in him and he replied no I don’t think she is, he stayed with me in the Café for almost his entire shift. It’s normal for them to have more people working reception than they have computers for there, but then they go to the office and work from there. Cute guy always came to help me out in the café (as the only one who did that) but we just ended up talking about our interest and stuff. That day he asked me didn’t you use to go to the bar often when you still lived here I said no, he went really you didn’t go to the bar when you lived here I said no just the day you asked he smiled at that. The first time I went to the bar when he asked me was the first time that he went to the bar.

Yes I think you are right about my collegue. I felt very hurt by not being asked and that feeling just stayed for me for a long time. I really didn’t feel included but there have been occacions where they did ask me buty I kept saying no due to being tired from work, and when I did join them(I had to push myself to go) I went home after an hour or two. So I can’t really blame her for not asking me to join as much.

Hi Tee,

Our disscutions have been very helpful to me!

I have made notes about the possible false core believe, the patterns that I am still repeating along with the self sabotaging behaviour. Like saying no to have drinks with friends and even though they really tried to get me to join them, I walked away feeling rejected, like they only asked me because they were trying to be friendly but didn’t really mean it (my mind trying to tell me I’m unworthy).

As for the girls I think you are right in your assumptions. They don’t really seem to care. And I have noticed that I am a lot more relaxed when they are not at work. Even some what happy that one is currently out of the country cause it makes me feel less anxious. Not exactly something you should be saying about your friends. In the beginning I felt included but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore, and it’s casing me a lot of stress because that was my primary group of people to hang with. Going out for a drink with my other collegues gave me a very good break and made me feel more mentally energized.

Yes, my body remembers how it felt and those feelings can come flooding and overwhelm you at any time. Like you mentioned in an earlier post doing exposure therapy without adressing the underlying cause (and establish a sense of safety) wasn’t very good therapy. And It got worse and worse. I didn’t have a place to feel safe or time to rest, because it happened at home, in school and my family, with nobody to turn to. I am gonna keep working on my trauma and taking it one step at a time, and keep focus on the progress I have made so far. In just one year I have learnt and grown more than 20 years of working on just anxiety.

Hi Anita,

I’m not sure to be exact, I don’t really remember a lot from those years. I have one memory of coming home from school and seeing my sister lying on the floor og the living room with a towel over her head covering her eyes, curtains drawn and no lights on screaming and crying and I went to my room and listened to music to block it out. Most of what happened is something I don’t remember but they told me about. I do remember them taking me to a child psycologist once or twice when I was like 11 years old.