Hi Tee,

Yes, she was celebrating twice once at my parents house (and my dad’s birthday,  a two day event where her and her boyfriend stayed with us) and then a week later she celebrated her birthday where everybody from my region were invited apart from me. It was the first birthday where I wasn’t there and I knew that it probably wouldn’t look good to others if I didn’t show. On her actual birthday me and my mom (she had a day off work) went to the city to do some shopping and my dad had planned to go out and do some stuff with his brother (who is rarely home) and she called my mom and got really angry that we didn’t drive the two hours down to celebrate. But we had already celebrated her birthday so we didn’t see any need for us to do it again.

It felt very like a case of two evils because as you said my anxiety around her is too high and I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, and she clearly didn’t want us there. I have to deal with a lot of feelings around betrayal when it comes to her. She even tried talking my parents into having my cat put down (I’m a huge animal lover) she has allergy so the couple of times the would come to visit we had to clean the entire house and keep my cat in another room. But she didn’t like that.

I have heard a lot from other people (that girl, and my dad and other people) about me being the bad person. I was soo relieved after his 30th birthday party, I did so well and talked with his siblings like I had know them for a long time and then the horror when I heard what she told my dad. growing up I wasn’t really allowed to talk about the positive things I experienced because she would feel jealoux (because I have better mobility and can travel and do stuff she can’t) but when I wasn’t feeling well she would have it worse. My parents would rather let her have her way so to avoid those tantrums. I can’t say I blame them, the mental load dealing with her in those situations, you could spend half a day trying to calm her down, and when you are exhausted you just don’t have the capacity.

Yes I would say that my dad seem detached I think it comes from his own childhood. My grandmother wasn’t very easy to be around, and when it was me my sister and my mom who got the worst treatment from her to the point we didn’t want anything to do with her he thought we were exaggerating. And then she started talking it out on him and he too didn’t want any contact with her.

My mom is listening way more to me now. She is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour. But she has started showing more understanding to my situation and I think that the fact that neither me or my sister living at home has been very good for there mental health. They seem to have more ressources now.

I’m gonna take your advise about dealing with my sister. I am only going home for a few days and I don’t want to spend them dysregulated and anxious, I really want to have a good time and enjoy the holidays as I hope you and Anita also will have.

Hi Anita,

Yes, very much so. I feel a lot of grief in the fact that I don’t have a relationship with my sister any more. Going from putting my life and health aside to now only speaking together when we have to. Especially now i have a nephew, it really hurts most of the conversation goes through our parents and my mom was devasteted when i told her i am keeping my distance now.

I can definitly tell my brain works differently now I can’t do simple maths, or multitask the way I used to and my memory is really bad. It’s the new normal that i have had to accept.

Your right relationship with other people is healing. The guy I was with earlier this year did soo much good for me. And staying together at a hotel (instead of the hostel) was the first time in many years that i actually was able to get a decent nights sleep. It was amazing like my nervous system knew I was safe to sleep with him next to me.

Hi Roberta,

Yes, it’s really hard to break free of. So many different patterns to unlearn and I am exhausted. Don’t feel like I have had a break in years, and after reciving the right diagnosis (finally!) it’s like starting all over again which is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Thank you so much for your best wishes

Hi Tee,

I hope you are feeling better now and that you don’t have to deal with any side affects of it. Covid is really hard on your body.

Well Y is here in Europe on a two year visa so she can travel and work at the same time, he has been doing the same thing working and traveling wanting to see as many countries as possible, she has been on three different holidays since she started working here in late april and is going on another one to different countries in january. She can be a bit impulsive as X said and she spends a lot of money drinking and not thinking about how ekspensible it is to travel for longer periods of time. I don’t think anything romantic is going on between them, my guy collegue and the two girls who also works the bar and have seen them there as a group getting absolutely hammered and he would (when he gets really drunk) make out with a woman and then not see them again. They say that thay haven’t seen any flirting behaviour between the two and that he X and Y are just close friends. She has been talking about other guys (she had a guy over that stayed the night) and asked the cute guy if his friend was single. And when the cute guy came to the bar back in June and started asking about me he thought that I was still living there, but I had moved out and Y had taken my bed. But being left out and not informed definitly makes me worried and think worst case scenarios. I did the same with X they were the last persons left at her housewarming and at the staff party they got super drunk and Y danced really close with another guy at work and X danced very close with the guy I like. They are party people who sometimes gets high, he is trying to get out of that because he knows it’s bad for him.. The only person that he doesn’t gets wasted with is around me, which stupidly made me feel a bit bad (even though I am glad I’m not an enable).

I still struggling with him calling me by nickname because I really struggle with grey areas, which I know now is very common for people with trauma. I have a very black and white thinking grey areas makes me feel uncomftable, I wanna know exactly which lable to put on someone good/bad, hence why I have a tendency to cut people out of my life instead of trying to repair. If you call me by nickname then you should see me as a friend, but not inviting me to your birthday but inviting the new people still hurts. I still would like to be his friend because we do have a lot in common and cuz I feel that we in a way do have a history together. He too has been open about his struggles and he has given me more details about it than X and Y. I think looking at him as you and Anita said as someone who is quite troubled and as Anita said people with mental illness doesn’t always see how our behaviour affects other people, so to try and not take it personally.

You are right. We both jnew that we only had a small amount of time together because of his visa, and he did say that we shouldn’t get too close since he not neccesarely would get a sponsered visa. I think it triggered a the closets I have been with a man wasn’t good enough type of wound.

The thing with the birthday party was spring last year during the pandemic, so a while ago but the day we came to see my newborn nephew in August he stilll wouldn’t look at me or hug me like he does my parents, it’s a punch in the gut every time and I’m already dreading seeing them at Christmas. It’s still weird hearing someone describe my sisters behaviour as abusive  it’s definitly what I needed to hear because it makes it clear that I don’t deserve that type of behaviour. Not excussing her behaviour anymore with her being tired, or stressed only then can you put down boundaries. I just didn’t know that they would react this strongly against me to keep the peace. The not being defended when someone mistreats you was for me what hurts the most. They have been more supportive after I moved abroad and my mom is now telling to call home if I need to talk about anything that stresses me. I have told her everything about the guy, X , Y and evertything else that has been stressing me out and she let me get it out of my system. And finacially they have always helped me out, not that that errases the hurt that has been caused but it has helped me during the past months.

Some positives that has happened, we celebrated one of the new girls birthday Saturday (the one I had a coffee date with, and have another one coming up). I overheard her asking Y if the cutre guy was coming but he had an event to do that night and so couldn’t join. I felt my anxiety go up and my mind strated racing, I felt overwhelmed ( It was an insanely hectic day at work) and so started to look for excuses for me not to join them. But I stayed and I am really proud of that. I took some deep breaths and tried reframing/challenging my negative thought and the first hour or so I felt really like I was in the way and that they would have more fun without me. But after that (and the one drink I had made me tipsy) I started relaxing more and talking with people (obviously had he been there as well I would have been more anxious but it’s a start). Y asked them to come to a christmas fair on Friday she also asked me to join when I finish my shift and I accepted. I have been going out and been social three times in a couple of weeks and have more coming up, and I am gonna ask other people as well. I am sure the more I do it and am able to also have fun the easier it gets, thinking it’s  better not think all or nothing, like if I don’t stay until the morning getting hammered like the others I’m a failure, and instead make a compromise, go out for some hours and have fun. That way I also help keeping my fomo at bay.

I have actually been looking for a therapist but it’s hard to find someone who deals with complex trauma. I tried therapy several times back home but we never got anywhere which really ended up making me feel more broken. My mom send me a link to someone over here and there’s a free consultation to see if she is able to help.

Hi Anita,

Yes, so much learning going on here so that’s really possitive. And by taking notes it makes it easier for me to wrap my head around it.

Hi Anita,

I’m glad to hear it because this is a really hard state to be in. I’m taking notes of what you and Tee are saying and then try applying as a rutine, to make things easier on me.

Hi Tee,

Your right there wasn’t any rejection directed at me, but I took it that way. In settings with many people I always sit in the back so I can hide a bit, but I wanted to sit by someone I knew to help with my anxiety (and also practise being social) and he did try more than once to get us to join him so he wasn’t telling us to f.. off. I am just really sensitive in these situations, I need to practise this more. It was the same with the first time I went to the bar with him. I already felt anxious and out of my element, there was too many people around me and my back was against the exit which I don’t like (a PTSD thing) and of course the girl hitting on him. But at the pub where it ws just the two of us away from people and noise I was completely relaxed. I have been invited to two girls from work’s birthday partys on Friday I am nervous but it’s a good exerccise (and a change to have fun)

There has been so many incidents with my sister reacting very strongly and me being blamed for it. Lately with the christening, my parents usually don’t take my side in this case they did and it was really nice to try. It so hard when your walking on eggshells. Like during the pandemic I sunk into a depression so bad that I was thinking about suicide every single day, I honestly didn’t think I would survive it. My sister ask me to come to her house (with a few other people) to meet her new boyfriend but I couldn’t get out of the house (cuz of the depression) I kindly declined and the next day a girl called my and told me so your just staying away to be passive agressive and hurt your sister. That hurt. That feeling the people think that I am a bad person, especially since I spend most of my life being a people pleaser and didn’t have any boundaries cuz they made me feel selfish. Now I am learning that a boundary isn’t a no to them but a yes to myself.

The coffee date was a succes. We spend all day together and had the best time it went by so fast, and she is totally up for doing it again. So I am very happy that I asked.

Hi Tee,

It really has been an amazing year in many aspects I just have a tendency to focus on the negative.

I’m gonna try and pluck up the courage to see if I can ask them about New Year’s Eve. I have had more bad birthdays than good ones so it’s a very sensitive day for me.

Building my socializing muscle, I like that expression 🙂 I unfortunatly didn’t find the video(What to do when your triggered) before Friday. An x manager who just resigned asked me to join for drinks in the bar at work that day, I said yes but got extremely anxious because I knew he was going to be there and again these settings aren’t the ones I’m the most comfortable in. I realised it’s more than just him. It’s him, it’s my past, my insecurities and also other stressors in my life that all affect me. I wore a new outfit that made me feel very good, feminim but also comfortable. I got a lot of compliments from my collegues male and female which was nice.

He had the morning shift and we talked a bit, but  he got back ten minutes before I finished my shift to have drinks in the bar. I was hoping I would have finished my shift before he got there it would have eased my anxiety a bit. He bought a drink from my collegue then was looking at me going on his way to the bar. I did some tapping (I think it’s called to try and calm myself) Then went to the bar where they were showing football on the big screen and a lot of people were already there. Three boys (two collegues and one of their friends) were happy to see me and told be to take the chair next to them (that guy had left) we started talking about football and then the cute guy came up and had a proposal, that we could join him at his table (he sat with a female guest) so that everybody could see. I felt ashamed that I was in the way that much even though it was a really big screen. The guys went what if we just move out of the way to the side, he then said or you can join at the table. We moved out of the way so they had plenty of space to see the match. Not gonna lie I was hard seeing him sitting there with her, but he was sitting behind me and I was sitting between the boys focusing on our conversations and the game infront. But then we went out during halftime so they could smoke and we got back him and the girl was now sitting right infront of me on a couch, that’s when it started going south for me. I left soon after and I am embarresed to say I told a lie to them so they wouldn’t think less of me for once again being the first to leave.

I should say that I havn’t slept in a couple of days and was in a lot of pain (PMS) and had cried several times the day before over absolutely nothing so I was not at my strongest. Don’t know if I was weak for leaving so early or if trying my best was good enough. I wanna look at every change he’s there as a learning opportunity (or game as you said so well) because he’s not gonna be the only guy to make me anxious so now is the time to try out different things to make me less anxious. Maybe this Friday will be one, Two girls from work have a birthday and a lot of people from work are gonna come and celebrate, so there’s another challenge then.

I asked one of the new girls out for coffee and we are going tomorrow. She’s so nice I am sure it will be fun and be good for me to get out and just relax.

Also trying to go easy on myself. I have had a lot of stressors lately. Health wise which unfortunatly is gonna be way more expensive than I thought. Work has been extremely busy and with 11 new people it’s aa lot for me to deal with, even though they all seem so nice. My sister has been on the warpath wityh me, I couldn’t make it home for my nephew’s christening and she is trying to turn it into a personal thing of me doing it to hurt her deliberately (that one send me into a panic attack at work, cried in the bathroom) and now a couple moving in in a small flat with just two rooms and one bathroom. I still hasn’t meet them, they have stayed in their room but the are quiet and clean so at least that is something. I hope to get to see them tomorrow when I am off work.