Hi Tee,

Yes i liked him but the fear of intamacy almost scared me away that’s why i had to force myself. It sounds bad but it ended up being the most safe and stable thing i have ever tried. A true gentleman we were together for three months then his visa expired. And that was hard, finally got some love and amazing experiences and then it stopped out of my control.

Yes we talked a bit today and he is still a bit awkward around me compared to my female colleagues but at least we are over the first contact since the rejection. It’s still hard cuz i really really like him

Hi Tee,

Honestly it nearly made me cry knowing I can trust my own perception of things and I’m not crazy. One of our female colleagues keeps asking me questions if he didn’t do this and he didn’t do that, and he brought his brother with him he doesn’t like you and he didn’t think is was a date. I don’t believe that he had so many changes to not go through with it, and he prolonged the time we spend together even after the session was over. But I nearly did the same i nearly cancelled my housewarming because of anxiety i didn’t really believe that they wanted to be there. And I know i probably should’t have asked him when he clearly wasn’t himself, i never know if things could have been different anf it really hurts because i still very much like him, and I don’t know if this will mean we won’t talk. But based on his behaviour i truly believe now that he does have feelings for me, but it’s extremely hard losing something you think was gonna happen expecially after a isolated and lonesome life

Hi Tee

Yeah that’s kinda what i was thinking. That he was interested but it got too close for comfort. He postede on instagram that he struggles with showing love after what he went through and I know i have done the same patterns that he is showing. And he is getting closer to moving to another country. He’s brother only got invited along right before he left his house, and he had plenty of opportunities to cancel but didn’t since i asked him to specefically teach me karate and not everything else. And staying hours after just talking. I think we might have the same attach ment issues here, we keep getting close to each other and then it stops and starts again. I did the same with a guy pre pandemic i liked him but the moment he wanted me i bolted and whent with a guy that wasn’t good. The thought of intamicy was scare i will even start to physically shake when a guy gets close intimate or physically. And I definitly think his behaviour on Monday was very much self sabotaging. Because in person and over text he was completly normal and kept trying to find things for us to do and then 5 min before his behaviour changes.

I am writing to try and regulate my emotions so I can move on and not hurt like this for too long

So i wrote this knowing that it didn’t end the way i hoped. I needed to know that i wasn’t crazy for starting to think he liked me. Everybody at work thought he liked me too. He works reception I’m in the café, a girl he works with said she always wondered why he would use the rest room in the bar(having to walk by the café and a long way) instead of just using the one right next to reception.

So an update my “housewarming” we were just four people was Wednesday two weeks ago. After that he started calling me by a nickname, I’ve never heard him using my name before so this was new. Then i got to a point where I need to go forward or walk away. He is moving to Canada in february so if anything is gonna happen it should soon. So i wrote him two days after like you mentioned that you know karate would you be able to teach me some. He said he didn’t really remember anything but he could relearn with me. Last Wednesday he came up and asked me if I was available Monday (a couple of days ago) he mentioned again that he didn’t know how to do it but we could do other stuff. Sunday night we wrote and he asked me to meet him in his favorite park, if i were down for swimming, or running or yoga. Cuz then we would have a plan for what to do that day. Itook this as a good sign, i if a person your not interested in want you to teach them karate(i’ told him I’ve always wanted to learn that but never got to) and you don’t know how to do it and you keep coming up with other stuff to do so we would still spend time together I thought it was looking promising. He was late which I expected (he has inattentive Adhd) he wasn’t far away, then he went, just looking for the yoga mats, found three on our way, my brother is joining. I meet up with them and he bought me coffee, he said his brother would be the yoga instruktor but he eneded up doing it himself. His brother didn’t speak the whole time unless spoken to. He (the cute guy) seem out of it, not himself like he couldn’t even remember basic words like albow, should er and knee kept forgetting it. Seem like he was on something (he’s not a drug addict but he has sometimes used it, and alcoho) the session finished after 40 min and we stayed there for several hours talking sometimes it was good sometimes really awkward. We started walking back and he changed the direction to a longer one but a much more beautiful one with lakes for me to enjoy. Then out of the blue he said that he could see himself living in the capital of my country. He’s never been there and don’t know a lot about it. Asking me how far my home town is from the capital and that it is a beautiful country but flat. My gay guy flat mate bursted but that sounds af if he likes you!

We said goodbye and I texted him I’m sorry for today your not interested it’s hard for me to read people. He replied no I’m not interested your amazing person but I don’t see you that way. I was heartbroken and confused. It takes a lot before i believe a guy likes me and everybody who knew him better than me said the same thing. We are all confused. I have guy colleagues who feels protecting of me like a sister but none of them are awkward around me. Even my parents thought something was going on between us when they came to stay at the hostel for a week and he came to introduce himself. There were a lot of other signs that i have left out because the post would be too long.

I have to as well that he has a lot of trauma. He grew up in an abusive home, moved a lot as a kid didn’t have friends saw two of his friends get stabbed i front of him. He has a lot of anxiety (he put butter in his coffee last tuesday to help ease his anxiety) he has periodes of time where he doesn’t eat all day even when he is working, he will just have a nap. He has Adhd and did tell me he gets sick of people and places fast because of his mental health. He is trying to stop partying because it’s not good for him but he still has days were he shows up to work hungover with no sleep. I have to see him at work tomorrow. Hopefully he won’t remember our conversation because his memory is worse than any person i have net.

My mothers mother died when she was just 17 and her father was emotional abusive to her. So I’ve never had a rrelationship with him. My grandfather i really liked but he died when I was 15. we (me my sister and my mom) eventually cut ties with my grandmother and only my dad would visit her. That lasted for like 6 months or so, and then my dad came home one day chocked about her behaviour and he cut ties with her as well.

I was in therapy when I was around 23 I think, after having a breakdown from stress at the age of 20 after my aprentenship had ended. We talked about my childhood and everything concret to work with apart from try meditation. I needed help figuring out what i was doing wrong, like you were emotionally abandoned, this is how your reacting and this is what will help you healing those wounds. It felt good talking about it, having someone to listen to me, but there weren’t any guidlines as to how to deal with it. I guess that’s why I’ve always felt as there’s a puzzle piece missing, I didn’t know I was emotional abandoned and so I couldn’t heal it.

The child psychiatrist thought my anxiety stems from a lack of control, so forcing me to do things and thus removing me being in control would only make it worse. I’ve been forcing my self to do things that terrifies me, and I have done so since i was a child. But i have to be the one in control. So attending school being bullied and beaten was bad enough, it was like having one never ending anxiety attack, but you can’t remove yourself from the situation. But doing presentations was like my worst nightmare, still is, I asked to not do them because that would have been too much for me, I wasn’t ready for a challenge that big. But my teachers said that i shouldn’t be weak, and if your afraid of something you just gotta do it, and if you refuse we are gonna make you do it. That’s why I ended up cutting in my wrist. This was a a time where my sister had it the worst, screaming from pain for hours a day asking to die, being devalued and compared to my cousins by my grandmother and losing all my friends. So doing a presentation in an unsafe environment was too much and I snaped.

1) Probably more a friend than close friend then. She knows all about my insecurities and has never told me that I was weak or stupid because of it.

2) Sorry, I can see I’m bad at explaning. She knows about anxiety, but doesn’t understand anxiety disorders. Being anxious about an actual anxious situation (loss of job = losing your home) But not anxiety regarding everyday things. Like having anxiety attacks for taking the bus ( I’ve taken the bus for years) or going to do grocery shopping, or attending my friends baby’s baptism. These events aren’t going to hurt you in any way, they aren’t dangerous, so why is my mind and body reacting so strongly about it.

Like I’ve always been afraid of sitting in the front of the bus, because when you have to alight the bus you are able to make eye contact with people, and what if I trip and fall. Heading for the exit when sitting in the back, you don’t get to see them looking at you. Never has I trip in a bus or anything like that, but non the less I am still anxious about taking the bus.