Yes! Good idea. I’m gonna be my best self and show him what he is missing out on. I have two days off and I am meeting up with some girls from work tomorrow and we are having brunch. I need to go out and have a little fun as well.

Hi Tee,

Yes I think so with time. I’m gonna be my best self and show him that this is his loss.

Hi Anita,

It means everything. Knowing i am not going crazy and that i can trust my perception is just a huge relief! And it will help me next time i am starting to pick up signals from someone. To meet them half way and not bee so avoident for so long, is definitly better to open up sooner.

Hi Tee,

I have always felt like if i have a partner then i can do anything. Mening that having just one person in your corner that likes you and all the health benefits you get from hugging someone that loves you. It was like having a man sleeping next to me calmed my nervous system. We as humans are wired for human conection and I have been alone my entire life. No boyfriends (same cycle. Guy shows interest through long time i start believing it, takes a step forward then gets ghosted) never been good at keeping friendships. Once we don’t work or go to the same school we lise contact. So all my life i have worked towards being good emough. Cuz if I were then i would have people in my life.

The staff party was hard because one everybody gets wasted, they are not the selve and I get jeloux. Seeing them cling and flirt with the guy i like. They said some months ago that he was sending me good signals and that they would help me out with him because of my anxiety, but they never did. They kept seeing him as a group outside of work without including me and I think that’s why i hurts extra. I feel like they betrayed my trust, and not acting very much like friends.

They only have this flirting behaviour when they all get drunk. I don’t like drunk people, you never know what the will do.

He (the cute guy) also made me a bit uncomfortble. He did smile and say hi to me, then he mingled and talked with everybody, but then decided to walk up and stand right next to me for a long time just sipping his drink not talking just standing close to me(there was plenty of space got him to stand else where) that hurt me. It was awkward.

Hi Tee,

1) yes that feeling of going crazy because I thought he liked me and then being rejected was extremely painful. I am very protective of myself and doesn’t usually ask a man out on a date. But the more i think it over and the way he acts around my female colleagues i am now certain that his rejection wasn’t because because of a lack of feelings but something else. This us a emormous relief! I am better at reading people than i give myself credit for.

I’m also learning about psychology, trauma responses, attachment styles etc. To learn about how it all affects our behaviour. This is really helpful. Trauma makes you react in I rational ways. Like when the guy i liked started to make a pass at me, i bolted and ended up with a guy that i knew wasn’t good for me. Or all the times i cancel led plans with my friends because i was convinced that they didn’t really like me, even though they kept showing me that they did (self dabotaging behaviour, pushing away the people closets to me)

2) i am getting better at seeing the patterns in my behaviour. Like my anxiety with a guy only kicks in when I’m starting to attach or really like the person. It’s when it gets vulnerable and there’s a change that i could get rejected. Both me and him weren’t in any way awkward with each other the first one or two months. That happened after pretty much at the same time. Here is where i need to learn not to shut down and ignored the person. But to take a step forward and be vulnerable to show him, you are making advances at me and I accept those advances. Not expect him to be a mindreader.

3)learning to communicate. Since both me and him are very indirect to protect ourselves there’s too much room for misunderstandings. Speaking up for myself and being authentic. Try to repair any damage instead of cutting people of without trying to fix it. It’s a proces but I’m getting better.

3) try not to take things too personally. In Regards to his birthday party, is not exactly new that they go partying together without me. They have been doing that for months and they know his friends well now. I also really don’t like these parties which they know. a

Looking at him with compassion. After all we have a lot in common in our behaviour. We both have trauma, anxiety and diagnosis. And we are both working on it, it is not a smooth sailing by any means.

I am also exhausted. I am a month in on 3-4 hour sleep every night, overtime 9-10 shifts in a row, heart ache, two weeks in extreme pain and health expensive that’s gonna cost me four times my rent. Am my short holiday of going home to family couldn’t go because flight tickets were way too expensive.

Yes. That’s probably why i react so strongly to rejection. I feel it’s my whole being that’s worthless

Yeah. I mean i believe this is a fear of intimacy. Because the closer we got the more anxious he be came, exactly like i react. When he started working here in april he wasn’t awkward or nervous around me at all. And neither was i around him. It wasn’t until we started going to the bar that we started getting really nervous around each other. And the day he came to my house (personal sphere) he started getting more and more anxious which was at a High the day of the yoga date. I think i am returning to the old patterns of emotional unavailable person being atracted to an emotional unavailable person. Like they say if you get butterflies it’s a bad sign. I didn’t get any butterflies with the guy earlier this year and that’s one of the reasons i was like about to bolt. But then i thought about it logically, is he my type, do I like him and do I feel good when i am with him. And that was a clear yes. Then after we started dating and it felt soo weird and uncomforteble, but then the butterflies came and it started feeling the way i thought it was suposed to.

Yes. It even made me cry. Because now i feel like i am in no mans land you know. We always had(and still have that awkward tention) because of his behaviour towards me since april has been a sign that we had something going on romantically. But then after the “date” we were still talking well but still some awkward tention between us, and he was still calling me by nickname so I thought at least we are still friends. But now I feel like I’m not even that but just a colleague. Which i really rought because i feel like we have a history (even though we never actually dated) and now I don’t know what to make of my self.