I feel fairly confused at the moment as I understand spiritually that my purpose is to creatively manifest the universe through me – let universal power, or God, flow through my loving and creative actions. But then linking that understanding to a sense of purpose that is shaped into work/career/business and the reconciling some sort of core ‘meant to be’ purpose with a multitude of other important purposes in life ie being a mother, wife, friend, is much harder. Sometimes I wonder whether to keep on seeking, keep on changing and ‘flowing’ is really the only purpose?

Thanks for the reassurance Kelly. I did have a mix and muddle of emotions when going through IVF, I’m sure the hormones didn’t help. I don’t think I’m far off breaking the old bad habit of shame – it is just that – a bad habit!

I really think shame is like a chronic disease. I reckon I’m an expert on feeling guilt (the Catholic upbringing did that) and then I somehow turned guilt (about nothing much really) into shame. I was totally irrational when going through infertility – feeling like it was somehow my fault (when how could it be) and then feeling guilty about my jealous reactions to others who were pregnant or already mothers. Because infertility was a long journey, I turned that guilt into full-blown shame over time and even now, with our two adopted kids, I somehow cling onto it and reinforce it whenever I get the normal mother-guilt of not being good enough, not doing enough. I’ve read Brene Brown and seen her TED talk – its a hard pattern to break, shame, even when you know you are being irrational!