Dear eevee!

Your situation is not easy, but you made a decision! It is really cool that you had the courage to confront B and talk over what has happened between you.
It’s hard, and I also have been in the position of being in a really good relationship, and then my old love turned up. Those strong feelings will never be gone, but I decided they were not worth giving up the relationship I had.
A situation like this can happen. Sometimes it will make you realize that you were missing something important in your current relationship all the time, but this doesn’t seem to be the case! So I think you made a good decision.

To be honest, I don’t think you can have a good relationship with your bf AND be good friends with someone if one of them wants more or if there is so much unresolved. In my opinion you sometimes have to make a decision.

Why do you want to go back in time? Do you feel you are just making decisions for other people? In that case you maybe really need some time of for yourself to figure out what YOU really want. You also don’t need to be ashamed or feel like others would hate you for your decisions. You do not hurt people intentionally and you have every right to feel what you are feeling, to express your feelings and to do what makes you happy!

So do what makes you happy! 🙂

Dear deelee…

I can understand your pain and anger. The relationship to your family really seems to be troubled. I just want to give you a few thoughts I have on this:

1. For yourself: We all make mistakes. Big mistakes. Life mistakes. It is ok to make mistakes! You need to accept the situation and stop blaming yourself or others for how it is. It’s not a cool situation to be in, but there are much worse…

2. You cannot change your family. What do you expect of them? That they admit something, apologize, something else? This will probably not happen! It is hard to let go of your expectations, but these expectations and your anger seem to be the things that make the situation so unbearable… not the situation itself!

3. Your daughter obviously deserves to have contact to her grandparents. However, this does not mean you have to spend christmas with them! Is there any way she can have a relationship with them (maybe your wife can hold the contact?) and you can get some distance from your family?

4. It’s just money. This is one of the most important things I learnt in life so far. Sure, money gives security, and the thought of having lost a lot of money on the house is frustrating. But your job is not to hold on to tht frustration and anger. Your job is to take care of yourself, and deal with the situation in a way that is actually healthy and good for you! I cannot tell you which way that might be, but you should put your mental and emotional health before money.

5. You do have a house, dont you? Maybe it costed you more than you should have. Maybe you could have had a nicer house by now… But we are all in this kind of game, and with having a house at all you are still one of the winners 🙂
Your wife doesnt even seem to blame you, does she? So why would you do it yourself?

I’m really sorry if this is though love, I really feel with you and can understand your anger and pain. But I also feel that it is the key to how this situation will resolve. You cannot change the situation or others, you can only change yourself and the way you deal with things. Maybe your counsellor is not a good fit, and you need to try someone else? There are good ones out there, sometimes it takes time to find them!
Hang in there!

Hey mattr,

I know that it is really hard right now – I have spend the last weeks in a similar state, and it’s true that it very difficult to focus on positive things, as the darkness and fear and rage will swallow every positive thought immediately.

What you are trying right now is running. You want this to go away. You want to force yourself to be or feel different than you do right now. You are saying “this can’t go on” “I can’t take this anymore” “how can this be if I know it should not?”
You are telling the part of you that is afraid: “Shut up! Stop crying!” This does not help that part! It’s as if you were telling a child that is afraid: “There is no monster, be quiet!” when you should be telling it “I understand that you are afraid. It is ok to be afraid. I’m here with you.”

Wat Yue is saying is right: You need to face these feelings. You cannot make them go away. You need to accept them. And then they will transform. It is nothing magical:

Think of it as a biochemical reaction that happens in your body. You cannot stop it, but you can look at it and understand it.
Don’t be a hater – be the chemist who looks with awe at this phenomenon of nature (that exists for a reason!) – even if part of that phenomenon is sitting in the car crying and not knowing how to tackle the workday. (Been there, done that.)
Try to write everything down, even if you have the feeling you already know what it is and feel stupid doing it. But if you know the triggers, and you know exactly and in detail what thoughts follow them and accept that this happens right now and know why it happens, you will start to feel more distance and it will loose its power over you…
Try to accept that right now it is there, because it wants to tell you something. Let it stay, I promise you it will go away!

And get help! You don’t need to do this alone!

I hope it’s a good thing I sound like oyur therapist 😀
I really understand how you’re feeling. I’m starting out as a comedian and last week I rocked a hall full of people with laughter… after I had spend the whole morning crying and unable to go to work.

Are judging yourself right now? There is a lot of “I should” between your lines.
“This irrationality of my mind is so frustrating.”
Could this be your inner critic speaking? The part of you that says “Stop this now you stupid idiot or you will ruin everything!” (Belief: You are not allowed to make mistakes. You are not good enough.)

One thing I forgot in my list was: Write down every single memory of a moment where you felt those painful feelings for the first time.

Your experiences are really hard, but they are in the past. Your body and your mind need a lot of work and time to understand this, so be patient with them!
You can be really proud that you are in a relationship after all after this shit, and that you are facing all that pain and fear! Congratulations! 🙂

I feel with you! I am in a similar situation, for different reasons.

I just figured that these strong feelings are almost like a panic attack, so right now I am trying to treat them that way, with some tiny differences.

The first thing I would do is to delete her facebook sign in from your phone, and to actually unfollow her actions on social networks. You are close enough to her on a daily level. Otherwise you get worked up in a network of triggers and the desire to control each and everything, which you can’t. It gives you and her more freedom and is one step to learn letting go.
You cannot prevent anything from happening, or her from leaving or being tempted. She has decided for you, because you are a wonderful person! And even if she decides against you (I’m triggering you right now ;-)) you still stay a wonderful person!

The other, more important thing you could do (which I just have been doing yesterday and still feel excited about because it was such an insight) is to write down EVERY possible trigger:
Which behaviours? Which situations? Which thoughts?

Then write down which fears are triggered by that (be as precise as possible), and which beliefs work behind these fears. (For instance “She will leave me for someone else.” (I’m not good enough)
“I will go crazy.” (I cannot survive on my own)
and whatever you can think of.

There are usually different parts in you that try to protect you. With me I have a part that blames and gets angry and wants to end the relationship to prevent getting hurt. Another part I have is that of a child that was helpless and left alone, and now is afraid of not surviving and gets very sad and afraid and desperate.

In the end you need to find out what these parts are in you, and understand and accept each and every one of them. When a trigger comes, you can listen, see what the trigger is, follow the thoughts and fears that come up and identify to which part they belong. It’s pure analysis, but it helps, because it teaches you to seperate the situation from your feelings and to accept these feelings and the parts of you that create them.

One more thing that might help is A) a letter you write when you feel good about yourself. It should be a compassionate letter from your grown up, healthy self to your hurt and vulnerable self. Tell him that it is ok to feel this way, that you understand him and that you will be with him! Read it whenever you need to!
I don’t know if this is a good idea or if it leads to too much dependancy, but you could also ask your partner to record a message for you, that will tell you that she is with you and loves you and that it is ok how you feel.

I hope this will help. Go on looking for help and don’t give up! You can do this! 🙂

I can imagine that the decision is very hard. The thing is: If you are not completely excited to move to his city, and 100% willing to take the risk, than it’s probably not a good idea. I don’t know if there is any other way to give this relationship a chance (or if that is a good idea either), but the moving part sets you up for massive regrets if you don’t feel strong enough to face the challenge…

I made a lot of compromises for my relationships, and moving away from family and friends was one that I would not make again.

And: You cannot put your life/love/whatever into his hands! You are responsible for your actions and decisions, and have to take your own risks. He cannot promise you that it will work out…

You are ok and lovable just the way you are, with all your fears and worries! Don’t override them! <3