Hey,

I guess there are many different versions of love, and that is even true as we speak of the biochemical reactions behind love. The feelings you have for a person you have spent years with is something entirely different from the crush you have on someone you barely know, which is different from the desire you might have to sleep with a person. (Those are actually three different biochemical reactions in our brain…)

But this is what I can say about love in terms of relationship.
I think in the end it is just two (generally speaking) people who spend intimate time together and like it and each other most of the time. That being said, there is no person who can fulfill all your needs, and everyone has their faults. So its about choosing the person whose the least pain in the ass… 😉
To have all those things you mentioned in a relationship might take some time! Friendhsip and trust have to be built, and the dynamics and communication are different with every person!

I have been in a relationship for 5 years now, but I have many single friends. The longer they are single, the more they try to find someone who is perfect and gives them everything I took years to build with my bf… And those were not easy years.

I am in love with my boyfriend, because I had a crush on him and was lucky enough that we both wanted this relationship and worked very hard to understand each other and give each other what we need.
I also think that it is ok to be with someone of whom you might know he is not THE ONE. He might turn out to be it nonetheless, or you might fulfill an important role in each others life and learn something you need to learn in order to built stable relationships in the future!

What’s important in my opinion is to be with someone who does bring out the best in you. Doesn’t mean he has to be an angel. But you have to be able to feel happy, confident and safe with this person, and be able to develop and learn about yourself in a way that is good for you in the long term. But that might also mean you need to reflect narcistic tendencies and learn to accept someone who is not perfect.

The thing is, if your relationship with yourself is off, if you treat yourself badly, don’t take care of yourself, try to fill a void with a relationship or have weak boundaries, relationships become just so much harder and more dramatic or nonexistent, because it scares people off. So that is actually the first relationship you need to get in order.

Wasn’t really about love, but I guess love is the result if you get relationships right 😉

Hey!

I think that you can’t change someone. However, you can offer them insights that might inspire them to change. That means: Talk to your friend. Make very clear how his behaviour and things he says make you feel, and that it makes you uncomfortable being around him – being constantly judged and criticised is something you just don’t need in your life, and as a friend he should trust you and support you in pursuing things that make you happy. If he really thinks something is wrong he can let you know that in a nice and constructive way.
Don’t give him your “diagnosis”… you are not a therapist and if he really is a narcisist, he will probably not be able to accept it anyways.
You will know by his reaction whether your friendship has a future. Maybe you are important enough to him that he reflects his behaviour and tries to make changes (which will still need a while, and frequent friendly reminders when he falls back in to patterns…)

Good luck!

Dear kateryan: I’m very sorry to hear you’ve been treated so badly! You might want to share your story in an own thread, so people who have been through the same can find it and give you support!

Thanks for that word, Inky! For some reason there is no real german equivalent to “assertiveness” – those that are translate to something close to “presumption” 😀
The closest you can get is something like “self confidence”, but this just opened up a whole new aspect 🙂

Hey Doreen!

I’m sure you are not alone with this 😀 I know the feeling all too well… Noone can be creative all the time, sometimes its weeks and even months and then one day it hits you like a storm! Boredom is one of the most creative energies… 😉

I guess there are just times in life when creative energy is low. It’s totally ok to do nothing at all, to just be and do whatever feels right, even if it is not productive. We are so under pressure to do something productive or meaningful.. but really, if you would die tonight, you would probably say “what the hell, I’m just gonna play games and eat pizza till its over!”
The body and the mind need time off. One could argue whether gaming really gives it that time, or whether its just another form of entertainment that keeps it busy so you don’t have to think.

I don’t really know your life situation, or why you feel the need to be creative, but another reason why creativity might stall is because you put too much pressure on it. Sometimes we procrastinate because we have so high ecpectations and are afraid we won’t be able to fulfill them… if we don’t start anything, we can’t fail! Takes the fun out of it, too.
I suffered from that a lot, now I don’t aim for anything, I go weeks without doing anything and then I try to do stuff only if I really want it. That’s a lot more fun!

Whatever it is, I would say try to take the pressure of, do whatever you feel like and don’t feel bad for it, it will come back! Some non-productive off-time in nature might help as well to really let the mind wander and give you a clearer feeling of what you want and need…

Dear littlebean,
I really feel with you! I am lucky enough to have found a job I can stomach quite well and which gives me security. However, I used to be an exceptional painter, a songwriter, actress … so many talents, and I followed none of them through to the “end”. But I’m not sad at all about it!

We are being told that we can be everything we want, that the world is just waiting for us, and we are given images by the media of how we could or should be. Then reality hits us: The dream job is actually a nightmare, the talent we have leads us into a lifestyle that does not make us happy, or doesn’t make enough money, the image we had of the person we wanted to be is just that: an image, not something you actually want to live in… Some people ignore it. They stay in the nightmare, because they think cannot let go of that image, that identity they dreamed of. Do you ever wonder why so many actors/stars/executives are drug addicts and in and out of rehab?
Because they have lived their lives based on the recognition/money they get from outside, and they need the drugs to numb the realisation that happiness is something entirely else that has got nothing to do with talents or money or fame.

Life is what happens around us, what we work for, what we actually are, how brave we are and what makes us happy. Littlebean, do not build your happiness or your dreams on the image you had in college. Your worth depends not the least on it!
You know what rock bottom means? It means a stable foundation to build something on that is real! The only thing you need for that is to be brave: Try out jobs until you find one that suits you. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes! Don’t do stuff because you think the world expects it from you. Maybe you will end up as something completely different than you thought you would be, but happy!

In regards to art: It helped me a lot to take the pressure off. Just because I have got the potential it doesn’t mean I have to do it.I can still be a comedian this week or a painter that week. But its not my identity! I do creative stuff when I feel like it, and I accept that it will be not as good as with regular practice, and I won’t get famous. But I get to take care of my plants and eat out with friends and do other stuff I would not have time for otherwise…

I got lost and dont know if I got my point across, anyway I wish you all the best, don’t give up – it’s ok and only natural to have downphases where nothing works. Keep up your confidence and build dreams that would make you happy even if no other person would exist!

Sorry, I’ve overlooked some of the messages in between… shooting through holes here 😉

Hey Inky!

I guess shame is one of the most powerful emotions we got – designed to help us to adapt to a community and thereby survive!
You went there with trust. You opened up and showed your work in the belief you would get some constructive and great feedback. Instead it was a shameful situation, where you were told by an important person of the community that your work is not good enough.
Your reaction is completely natural!
But shame only makes sense when it helps you to adapt. Therefore a good teacher or leader should be constructive. But your feeling of shame persists because there is nothing you can do to adapt to such a rude form of criticism! So every time you even think about it, the feelings comes back like a wave. You kind of “lost your face” in front of the community – at least this is what it feels like!
The reality is that she probably does not even think about it, and would greet you friendly without even knowing how she made you feel – she just feels great about herself because she could find some sort of perceived weakness and point it out! So in the end she is just a very bad teacher/leader without empathy, who is destructive towards her own community to push her ego.
When you meet her or her partner: Be nice to them, they deserve your pity!

How to face this, and just go to events anyway, and feel you are accepted and can be yourself? I wish I knew 😀
I try to remember that everyone feels like this from time to time, and that others won’t even know or notice it. If you go there anyway you can maybe “overwrite” the feeling of shame by making new and better experiences, even if it is painful in the beginning.
Sometimes you just need to let go and find new communities. I once went to a theatre group with lots of hopes, but they were arrogant jerks who made new people feel unwelcome and treated them like sh… When I moved to a different city I wanted to go to a new theatre group, and I spend an hour outside because I did not even want to go in… when I finally did I was greeted with so much warmth and I gained several great friends and my bf of five years!
However, just thinking about that first group still gives me a sense of shame, even many years later! Knowing that I don’t need them to survive, that they are not worth a single though and that they will not even know how horrible I felt with them, I try just not to think about them at all.
In short: Go there, face your fears & the reaction, if it still feels shitty you know it’s not you but them – then accept the feeling, go somewhere else and find people who make you feel good! It’s just like a relationship 😉

PS: If you find other ways to deal with this please let me know – I figured recently that I try to evade that feeling most of the time, which might be healthy sometimes, but not everytime…

As Will said: Don’t worry!

How we behave also depends on the person we are with: If your partner reacts in a reassuring and comforting way when you get jealous it might just go away. But this guy just messed with your head. Whether he actually cheated or not: he did not behave in a very trustworthy way, and played his part to make you jealous.
So, in a relationship where there is trust you might be a completely different person!

And: We all have the need for some external validation, a great part of our perception of reality relies on it! So there is nothing bad about it! Take it and be happy about it, it shows you that your feelings were on spot!