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CatherineParticipant“We can only love to the depths we allow ourselves to be seen” wow. Beautiful, Maggie. Thank you for that : )
CatherineParticipantMaggie, thank you for your reply! You caught be while I was writing my previous message 🙂
We actually had a heart-to-heart conversation a couple of days ago. We discussed EVERYTHING. And it was funny because we went through all the things that we should’ve talked about during the relationship in order to make it work, but just a little too late I guess. Especially after this talk I had the feeling like it still wasn’t over between us, because I feel like we had reached a whole new level of intimacy. But I think it’s also because he said some things that really struck me, saying how he also wanted to make it work, me being his exact type, regrets etc.
But right now I need to let the situation be what it is. He’s not the type to really open up, and he didn’t seem to want to see things further. He admitted that there was something holding him back as well, comparing me to his ex-girlfriend etc, but for now we can’t reverse back the clock and change something. it needs time. And even though we will stay close friends and it’s true that things might be different if we would’ve both been more vulnerable, I also have to move on from the relationship. I can’t keep hoping to make it better by being more vulnerable when he doesn’t show me his vulnerability either (I think this was also a problem). And because he’s not very in contact with his emotions, he wants to make a rational decision and make a clear cut, I am not in the position to try to change his mind. Who knows, maybe someday we will both be able to show our vulnerability, but for now it will just have to be as friends. But at least I now know how important it is to open and be okay in being fragile and imperfect.
CatherineParticipantThank you both so much for your replies! It feels incredibly good to know that I’m not the only one going through a situation like this. You both had so many good points that I could completely relate to. I think it plays a huge role on the outcome when we are just making it work so hard and in a way pretending to be something else, like a “better” version of ourselves. And that obviously comes from the fear of not being enough and not loving ourselves the way we should. Just like you guys said.
I have been through a roller coaster of emotion this week. The day I wrote this it came from a very rational place and wanting to have something tangible to improve myself on in order to not do the same mistake twice. And everyday this week I’ve had so many ups and downs that I’ve questioned my rational, accepting side many times. I think the main observation from this week is that I am still not over this relationship (and I shouldn’t even be, it’s only been a week!) and have been hoping that one day we will be together, if only I would be able to love myself so that he could do the same as a consequence. But yesterday I had a real light bulb moment and realized that by saying to myself that I need to love myself more in order for there to be love between us, I’m actually blaming myself for the end of the relationship, and even though it’s good to want to love myself more, I’m also saying that I have got to change something in order to be loved. And it’s so contradictory! And it just occurred to me that maybe, like I said in my original post, I was already whole and loved myself enough to start a new relationship and love, but maybe it’s not because of me and because of a lack of self-love that it didn’t work out, maybe it’s just not the right person or situation? I feel like I’ve been blaming myself because the relationship didn’t work out. And that’s not loving myself.
I am a highly analytical person and would do anything to figure out what went wrong in this relationship in order to make it work. But I think I need to accept that sometimes you just can’t fix yourself in order to get something you want. It takes two to tango and it could be that I AM capable of loving and of being loved in return. It’s the over analyzing and making things complicated that is not beneficial. I’ve decided to be more “organic” in what I do, trust my feelings and not try to make it work so hard. I’m going to focus on myself, just like you guys, but not in order to “improve” myself but to accept that it’s okay to feel a bit broken and confused, not being able to rationalize and define your emotions. I’m in a state where nothing makes sense, but the difference to before is that I no longer feel the need to pinpoint what it is that I’m feeling/felt. It’s okay to be confused sometimes without the need to look for a “cure”.
CatherineParticipantTHANK YOU ! thank you for all your responses and for the support 🙂 Feels really good to hear from people that have the capability to put theirselves in my situation or actually are in my situation. It’s incredible but I already feel lighter from the past because of your lovely comments. So really, thank you !
you’re both absolutely right of course. Even when I was writing the original message I felt I already knew what I should do, it just came to me as I was writing and your responses definitely confirm that. I have now given the bag full of his stuff to a friend who doesn’t mind storing it for me for when he comes for it or when we’ll just throw it away. It’s true that it represents all the emotional baggage that he left and I’m happy to say that I no longer hold on to it. Time to move on !
Matt you really are a legend ! Always know the right things to say ! It is true that I have been attached to the positive sides of the relationship, not seeing the whole picture clearly. I like how you said that we should act out of authenticity, spot on ! For weeks I’ve been struggling with whether I should contact him or not, I think that’s evidence that it wouldn’t be an authentic move, otherwise I would’ve done it easily, it isn’t inspired action.
Bernadette I’m glad you shared your experience, and you have no idea how good it is to hear from someone who’s been there that the pain does go away. And I complitely agree, this man hurt me before, and it was way worse than this time, and even then I was able to bounce back. Life goes on and we always get something better in return, nothing’s really lost 🙂
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