Hi anita

I did have a relaxed weekend. Felt strange as it was first weekend without her being here. Since then I have been working. Been getting few txts then she’s been phoning when I am at work for general talk a catchup. That’s been happening every day since Monday. Phoning during the say as she is still on a holiday at work and doing bits and pieces round her flat. Even my friend has noticed she’s phoning alot. Maybe she’s lonely. One day she Wass on the phone nearly 2 hours.

Last night she came round and in helped her with some furniture and we just sat having a catchup talking. She said how she wa sfeeling in life etc. She like her wee place so far etc. Asking how I was in a sense. Like i said to her u know my feeelings for you. Then she was like maybe we shouldnt see each other for a bit. But before hand she was on about Xmas and getting Xmas presents for me. Like I said to L you know how I feel about you. Not going to change my feelings with a click of the fingers.  She did go back to raking about when we first met that there wasn’t a inital attraction. Then she felt I was changing for her. No in wasn’t I was becoming more confident. She even said about the first time we went out for dinner. She was asking me question trying to get to know me etc. I was super nervous that night because she made me like that in a nice butterflies kind of way. Yes I was not holding hands etc and she new that which was brought up again last night. I just don’t know how to take the conversations sometimes. Is she testing me in a sense to see what I say.

Then she starts to say she feels guilty. I said why. Shes said if she speaks to someone I take it online she feels guilty in a sense. But she questions herself as why do I feel guilty taking to someone she’s not doing anything wrong we aren’t together. It’s like she feels guilty because she’s talking and thinks it’s wrong because of me and said about respect and caring. That’s something she need to figure out. But before she left she said I want to be honest with you. I have been talking to someone and she know me and her situation and is understanding. That she’s meeting her at tomorrow sat. When she said it I didn’t know what to say actually I didn’t say anything. I felt so sad. Since then I jsut feel a bit all over the place. It’s so hard because she will bring up stuff in the past about us. Why it didn’t work but talk if that wasn’t like that gives impression it might have then says no we were just very good friends. I just don’t know what to think. Then this about her taking to someone. She even said I know what will maybe happen eventually we will fizzle out if and when get a new partner. I will find it hard and then friendship won’t work. But then she contradicted herself as she said said that wasn’t going to happen on her side for a while. But then says not long after she been talking to someone. Anita what am I supposed to think because I am confused lol

Karen

It’s Ok lol. When I do it is like that short and sweet. Yeah I agree say not to much and keep what I feel to myself as I don’t want to come all negative.

Karen

Hi anita

She moved out on Friday. Yeah it’s very fresh and a change which I never though would happen. It will take some time to adjust. Think it’s worse because it’s the weekend.

Yes I expressed how I feel for L to a good friend of ours and he showed her the message or discussed it with her. Which then she was annoyed etc. Then led to her not wanting my help. The other friend that she works with said to her when she said I was helping her. Said would that not seem to be leading Karen on. To be honest I think that friend she wrks with does fancy her. Think that’s why she might be saying that.

Yshe say shes never been so happy just now inside and out. Not sure if it’s a bit of a front. She is happy as job wise and her flat has worked out etc. Then her mum messaged asking for money. Only time family gets in contact is when they want money. I said u need to say no as that’s only time they get in contact and she did say no.

I got L a gift for when she leaves the army. I gave it to her a few weeks back as when she left I didn’t know when I would see her. It was a box personalised with her regiment and army number where she could put sentimental things in. Aswell ad photos from different stages in her army career. I had given her the box. Photos I added to that box and she found them when she was unpacking the other day. She left the room and got upset think because it was a thoughtful gift that I had done for her and also she is finding it hard to deal with her emotions about leaving the army. It’s a job she loves and doesn’t want to leave. So it’s understandable.

LL is always making the effort with her family. Thyw anger me because they don’t make effort unless they want money.

She should never feel in debt to her family at all she is where she is in her career and life because of her and only her. They never supported her at all. She tries with them for the love she never got in childhood and adulthood. I agree i with you about debt she does feel if someone helps her she owes them I helped her the other day etc and she said I owe you. No you don’t I helped you because I care for you I don’t expect anything in return. Think that’s why she doesn’t want help. She wants to rely on herself. Doesn’t want to owe anybody. I helped her because I care and love her. I put my feeling aside a bit to do that because I care about her so much. Yes it was hard because when putting furniture together and her asking what I though about the furniture it made me think that’s what we should be doing as a couple. But I had to switch of.

Yes I be glad for you to discuss. Me discussing is helping me a great deal which I am very appreciative of.

The note she found was from 6years ago and I generally didn’t know was still there.if I new it was there it would have been thrown out. It doesn’t matter that it was written 6 or 10 years ago u would think it was written yesterday. There is no feelings towards my ex. I am so happy for her and her new relationship. Maybe it did make her feel less sspecial but like I said it was from years ago. I just dont understand why she would bring it up at all. Esp whe. She finished the relationship. Also I never cared for my ex the way I do for L. With L it has been so different on every level. With L I found true love and my soul mate.

Thank you anita

Anita

Thank you I will post on here so glad I found this site

Karen

Anita

Yeah I do truly love L. Yeah till that time I have to go with the flo. Then when that time ccomes I will do what needs to ge done. For all I know i might find it difficult before then. I need to be aware of how I feel myself and how it affects me

Karen

Anita.

Yeah she doesn’t see it. Only person I suppose that can do these changes is L. I hood she does look into that help to understand her barriers and fear. I feel that with all tge changes in her life just now I don’t think tgat will happen. All I can do is be there I suppose which is hard but I can turn my back. But when another woman comes along it won’t be my job.  For all I know she also could be talking to another woman. I really don’t thi nk she is but thats my overthinking. I just need to try stay positive and when she leaves try and keep myself busy. Because I am going to find it hard her not being around.

Karen

I know that if it’s another woman if I am not over her I don’t know how I will feel and deal with the situation

Hi anita

Yes she has been hurt in her childhood and continues to be even though she says she’s OK I know it affects her. She does try to push it away but of course its always there. Her family I don’t understand I really don’t. It’s her family that is in the wrong not L. I don’t think they know really how to love. I think theres a jealously and guilt on there part from the past. Jealously because shes done so well in life without there support and guilt because they know they have done wrong. It’s a shame they are like that.

Yes I feel as if she gets to a stage she’s going to get hurt and then that’s when she needs to end things because she maybe thinks I will do the same which I have no intentions of doing. I agree it’s like she isolates if she isolates just her then no one can hurt her. One of the times she split the one prior to the last time. She ended it and came through and gave me hug and said sorry I just don’t want to get hurt. Then that’s when tried again. Like I said to her then she can’t keep doing that she needs to communicate. As it’s not only hurting me but her also.

Maybe you are right that’s why she has done this in a way to protect herself. On other hand why end things so drastically and say theres no going back with us. If she said I need space I need to think work through things etc. Just communicated I would have supported her decision. That’s why I am so hurt with the situation and things she’s said about our future. All she says is I didn’t intentionally go out to hurt you.

Yeah she’s fine all good when shes busy. But it seems when something stressful happens or something is said by her family that she feels hurt by or when I wrk a Saturday when she’s doesn’t then she gets down and ends thing. Every time she’s ended things it’s been a weekend. Sat or a Sunday.

I think she does know there is a cycle . Even last night I was saying to her when things get stressful you can’t just run away from things you have to deal with it. When we talked last night you can see she is worried about being by herself in a flat etc as she’s never done that before as it’s always been army barracks. Like I said to her it will be but with her it will be even more as she’s never done this. I will always be here for her anytime night or day. You are the only support I have as family doesn’t support her. I have always supported her that’s what you do when you are in a relationship and love the person. She said before she’s not always had that in relationships. Obviously they weren’t the right partners.

She knows not to chase her family she has said that alot over the months. But she ends up trying thinking something might change. It’s just her nature. But it’s always her making effort calling txting etc. They never do it. As a mother and father they should be. I hope she does maybe look towards me where a genuine love exist. But when she says that we are over, to move on and it won’t happen again it’s hard and does hurt. I wish I had a magic wand and took all her hurt, her fear, insecurities away from her so she can be happy with me.

Yes it will be very difficult for her. She’s always had that security when she been in the army. Friends in the next room the security around you as in the sense that a barracks is surrounded by fences/boundaries. If that makes sense. In civilian life you don’t know who’s around you in a sense which can be scary for her. Yeah she has said she will contact me for support as she doesn’t have anyone else.  She will ask for help. There’s alot of maybes Anita isnt there. I just want her to be happy in life I generally do. If its as my partner or friend etc. Obviously I would want her as my partner and soul mate. But who knows.

She know with her family she need to distance herself and she has. She hasnt seen them in a long time due to covid etc. But last time she was hurt by them yet again and then she ended it with me. This is what I mean something happens and then ends it. But this last Time few weeks ago is when she was Saying something missing with us. I love you but don’t know if I am in love with you. Don’t want to be with you.

But I am finding it good and helpful to talk to you

Thank you Anita