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Dear Jessie,
I have been in a similar situation, and even though I am now single, I still feel badly if something triggers my memory of the situation.
Could you consider talking to a counselor/therapist? I have found that to be extremely helpful.
Most importantly, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that you are going through this and feeling this way. I hope that you can have compassion for yourself now. As you said, you needed attention and physical contact and to feel wanted and loved. These things are so basic and vital that you did what you had to do to get them/feel them. Please don’t beat yourself up for it. And it’s so natural to feel guilty, yet still miss it/that person, and then feel guilty for that, in a vicious cycle. Please validate everything that you are feeling. Feeling duped implies that you could have/should have somehow outsmarted this, which is just not possible. We can’t outsmart our feelings (even though that might seem like a wonderful idea!) This and your post in general makes me think you might be struggling with some perfectionism, which is a tricky thing. (I highly recommend “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown, I think anyone can gain from it.)
I have also felt so insanely lonely and unwanted that I spent time with someone else, texted and emailed, cuddled and kissed, etc. Would you hold it against me or shame me for it? Probably not, so please don’t shame yourself. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. You are not your mistake.
And don’t worry about what other people might think or say, they don’t know or understand your journey.
I wish I could give you a hug and bake you some cookies.Best wishes to you.
<333Dear Ash,
I’m sorry to hear how this is making you suffer. I’m by no means qualified to give good advice, I just wanted to say that I did go through something really similar. We had some good times, but holding it all together required putting myself last, feeling guilty for having needs, and much more I won’t go on about.
I chose to end it (after a long time). It’s definitely weird, not having the other half of what you thought life was going to be. But for me, it’s so much better this way. It sounds like these guys have some common threads (not that anyone is without flaws!) But what you have described is abuse. No one deserves to be abused. I think you have some good intuition about what you want to do, but just need some validation and compassion for what you’ve been through. If you feel like you need permission to claim yourself, meet your needs, and reach your potential, then I hereby grant it to you. 😉
You are worthy of love and happiness, even on your bad days. Especially on your bad days! 🙂
For me, being with this kind of person was so draining, and I lost some of myself that I’m slowly getting back. Maybe you will decide to work it out, and maybe that will be what you really want. Maybe instead of thinking about the relationship, just ask yourself (rapidly, don’t overthink it) what you want, and what you want less of, and see what it reveals.
I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to give yourself some compassion for what you’re experiencing. Realize how wonderful you are and all that you deserve.
Good luck <3
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