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JohnParticipantHi Anita,
We talked last year about PTSD that stemmed from my mothers screaming. You gave me some great advice.
It took a while to get back to you because I realized later that I replied to the email versus going on the board and writing there.
I’ll see if I can find the thread from a while back..:)
JohnParticipantHi Anita,So happy to hear from you! You really helped through a tough time a couple of years ago..:) We worked on me and thought I might have PTSD. Well, since then my mother and I have a pretty good relationship. For some odd and amazing reason, she has flipped her vibe and has been really nice and not so anxiety filled these past 6 months. She feels very very bad that I’m going through this and I feel bad I’m putting this stress on her. She’s concerned that I might hurt myself, (I’m not).In a nutshell, this is the same pattern I’ve had since I can remember.- I’ll get a job, (and this last one as an interior designer was the one I liked the most in my life so far).
- I’ll accomplish something big in my career (I had a huge design project land on my lap last year), and I’ll finish it. I never get excited about my completed accomplishment.
- I’ll have feelings of quitting.
- I’ll start to feel that I’m not good at this job and everything around work seems like I’m getting very sick to my stomach.
- I’ll quit.
Effects this has on me, and I’m just coming out of an episode)-I can’t have a girlfriend because I have thoughts like, “I don’t feel confident enough that I won’t keep this job and she’ll figure me out and leave” . Or, “I live in my mothers guest house, (which I made beautiful), and no good woman will want to date me”- I can’t afford to move out of my mothers guest house. I did happen to pay off any debt I had, which was nice though.
- I’ll have to force myself to work out (which I still am thank god).
- I haven’t had a girlfriend in 9 years and I’m very lonely. I keep picking subpar women, (meaning women I know I won’t stay with) because I have low self-confidence. Also, I’m afraid that they will figure out who l am and not like me. I’m always so scared that I’m going to quit, (because those are my thoughts) along with all the above.
- I don’t feel confident in myself that I won’t quit.
- I’m afraid to really push my design work because I’m afraid I’ll quit and be humiliated with another job I quit.
- I don’t feel like I’m a good designer, (even though people say otherwise).
These thoughts have crushed any self-esteem I have.It’s been almost two weeks and I’m feeling better today. I even want to do a little work!I just want to have confidence that I can actually make a living at this and can move out and travel a little bit.I just need to learn how to handle my depressive mood swings. When I’m not depressed, I’m pretty happy! I feel that a lot of my depression comes from my lack of confidence in my work. When work sucks, the rest of my life sucks. My feeling of quitting isn’t there when I’m not in a depressed episode.My doctor upped my dosage of Prozac 2 weeks ago and I think it’s working.Thank you for reaching out again Anita, you’ve been a wonderful person to get advice from!John6/27/18 Update:Anita, I went to my father and stepmothers house this past weekend and had a good time. We were talking politics and then I gave them a serious breakdown of what I’ve been feeling for a long time (depression, blockage from succeeding at work) and they were very supportive and didn’t know how bad it was for me. They were very thankful that I opened up to them. When I left their house, I was totally depressed for two days. I think I was really bummed because I just opened up and ripped open a big wound that is trying to heal.I usually do snap out of it and I have. Looking at this, I know I have a lot of negative self-talk and that stops me in a lot of ways as well. I’ve been digging deep to see where this fear of success stemmed from and I have no idea. I can think far back where I didn’t do good, (I lost a baseball game for us when I was 8 or 10 and it was a championship game), to selling candy at school and giving it away mostly.So in the meantime, I’m listening to Napolean Hill’s “Keys to Success” in the hopes that I can overcome my fear of success and turn around 35 plus years of negative self-talk. It’s almost like I’m saying in my head, “You don’t deserve success”, “You’re not good enough”, etc.JohnParticipantGreat insight Airene!
Yes, there is the outward me and internal me that aren’t in sync. One of the reasons that’s so frustrating is that my family and friends say I have all the tools to be successful (and I think that as well) but internal me is saying, “you’ll quit”, “you’re not good enough to be a great designer”, etc.In design, it depends on the project on how much you charge. I’ve turned down two clients because I couldn’t justify the time I’ll spend versus what I would get paid. The last sentence is what gets me nervous and that’s where the downward spiral in my head goes.From there, I freak out that I won’t be able to afford moving out and that no great woman would want to be with a man who doesn’t know when his next project will be, (fluctuating income).I seem to sabatage myself when it comes to work. I also don’t feel comfortable at winning, I feel bad for the looser, plus I’m not very competitive.That’s why I’m thinking I have Fear of Success happening within me. I’ve sabotaged all my jobs (even if find success in the job) which keeps me small.The payoff seems pretty cool, (creating beauty and making people feel good), except the time spent versus what i get paid is off skewed.Not sure where to go from here. What I do know is that I have to be nice to myself which can be hard since I seem to sabotage myself.I was in a deep depression for about 1.5 weeks and I started to pull out of it yesterday. I feel better today.JohnJohnParticipantHi Airene,
Thank you for the reply! All the below is internal dialogue. My family and my mentor in design says I’m great at sourcing fabric/wallpaper and I “have the eye” for finding the right thing. I’ve had this issue of quitting and sabotaging myself for over 30 years! I have no idea where it came from when I was a child.
My dream is to finally feel confident in my work (and the rest of my life) and know that I won’t give up on this career.
I have lots of hobbies, but depression (or resting from work on the weekends) get the best of me.
Hobbies include surfing, camping, tinkering around my house improving it, entertaining friends, cooking, BBQ’ing, working out with weights, going to my best friends family’s house by the beach to BBQ every Friday. The only thing I still do is go to my best friends every friday. He’s very positive and I have a blast with him.
Right now, I’m not working on any projects and didn’t want to. Eventhough I like my career, it’s very taxing with clients bitching and working 10-12 hours a day and not having my paychecks reflect that. Then my mind starts spinning and thinking I’ll never get out of my mothers guest house, move back to the beach, have a bitchen girlfriend and most importantly, a healthy self-confidence.
I’m hard on myself because I know I’m a total badass and that people like me and think I’m very charming, (not to toot about myself). Because I know this about myself and I’m not there, I get really pissed at myself and then go on a downward spiral.
John
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