Dear Tee,

Jamie, it seems to me you very much wanted to be liked by others, and perhaps in that desire, you became somewhat a people pleaser? I am saying this because you say you dated selfish people, who only cared what you can do for them and didn’t care about you.

You caught me. My previous therapist also pointed this out about me when she heard about my woes regarding other people. She, like yourself, realized that I behaved the way I did out of wanting to please rather than from an authentic place inside of me to deeply connect with others instead. She even told me that it is possible that other people might have found me a bit clingy back then, which is true.

So, I thank you for reminding this. To like myself is to then be able to learn how to be intimate with others in a way that is healthy, rather than trying to force something out of nothing, if that makes sense.

All the above tells me that you might have fallen into the trap of people pleasing. You wanted to be liked by this social group, who might actually be quite superficial people.

You know, I absolutely agree and hear you. It is not so important to be liked by a group of otherwise superficial people who are also, based on my recollections of them, quite unhappy with themselves and a desire to gossip about other people behind their backs. I learned a very hard lesson with this one; The social group in question was formed because we were all disappointed with a social community that we were all a part of changing for the worst. Again, I don’t want to go into too much details, but essentially, we huddled up only because the one source of us being able to connect with people online, is gone.

They would gossip meanly about the people who “ruined” the community, and that they wished the old days would return. Ironic, isn’t it? But to them, the community we used to be a part of was perhaps the only way we were able to be ourselves, express our thoughts and opinions, and finding new connections. So, losing the community felt like a huge loss to us at the time.

Now that I’m writing this all out… I can’t help but think the way they behaved towards me seemed to have come from a place of powerlessness on their end. If losing the community was really that important to them, they would have figured out a way to create a new space for the old community to migrate to. But instead, they chose not to do it, and created a private place that invited me and only several others into it, while excluding everyone else we used to know. It’s something I understand superficially, but deep down, is now something I’m quite perplexed by. They’re not stupid people, they could have figured out a way to return to the good old days…

They simply chose not to.

And that, to me, is probably yet another huge reason why we could not worked out as a group. They were more attached to the identity of being helpless victims to circumstances, rather than doing something productive and positive. Maybe I’m being really harsh against them right now, but I honestly can’t think of any other way to decipher this situation except that. So, perhaps it’s a good thing that I no longer communicate with them. I don’t want to be like them.

I don’t know if I am guessing right here? If so, there is a way out, Jamie. You can learn how to love and respect yourself, so you’re not longing for other people’s approval. You can forge new friendships, from a healthier place: from your true self, not from the people pleasing part of you. What do you say? Does this ring true?

You guessed right. My issue, then, is split into two new issues now: How do I learn to like myself? And secondly, how do I reconcile with squishing the part of me that wants to people please, in a world that has become increasingly individualist and only caring about people who can be of use to others?

Namaste and hope to hear from you soon.

[quote quote=417743]Oh my word! I am you! I mean, this is me to a T! I too would like help with the answer to this dilemma![/quote]

Hello Jean, I’m really sorry you’re going through this as well. Looks like I’m not alone in this situation after all, which does grant me a bit of comfort if it means anything to you. Thank you for your response.

[quote quote=417749]Dear Jamie & Jean Claire I am sorry that you both have had a rough time. Friendship is a gift, one which most of us forget to cherish & nurture. The first thing is to become aware that you have fallen into the trap of negative rumination as soon as possible, then smile and congratulate yourself for spotting that you are in that train of thought, name it ie past, this breaks the chain of thought and gives you the chance to resync yourself in the present. There are many quick techniques to bring you back to the present, breathing, yoga, tai chi, name 5 things that you can see are just a few and they only take moments to do and cost nothing but are immensely valuable. To uproot any deep seated long held beliefs about yourselves may need professional help. Buddhism helps us let go of the past and walk courageously & compassionately with wisdom on lifes journey through all its ups & downs.[/quote]

Hello Roberta.

Thank you for this nugget of wisdom. I’ve had another rough day today with someone and I broke down crying afterwards. But I’m learning to take deep breaths and talk to myself soothingly to get past such difficult endeavors. It seems to be working very well.

I really like what you had to say about really labeling this as the past, and to have it create weight to it so that I can leave it behind me physically. I have been doing meditation but not as often as I should; I’ll repeat the exercise tonight when things quiet down in this house.

Yes, I think professional help would be most appropriate perhaps for this situation. I’ll have to check in with my insurance company to see which therapists are available near me.

I’ll admit, this is my first time dipping my toes into the world of Buddhism, so forgive me if I seem quite the novice. I really appreciate that Buddhism is a lot about letting go and trying to detach oneself from the material world, and I feel like a lot of my emotions seems deeply tied to things and people that might actually be superficial rather than anything of importance. If that makes sense?

I am thankful and grateful for your reply.