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JoeParticipant
Anita
I think you are right. I was just dismissed as being too sensitive or just immature but it’s taken me until now to realise that the way I react to things and feel things are just as they are. I don’t need validation or approval from anybody but myself.
I attribute the tiger to my own stubbornness sometimes, especially when people are trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t like people reminding me or pointing out my flaws or limitations – somebody I know and trust recently called me and we had a conversation where he told me why I shouldn’t pursue a particular course of action. I was upset and felt attacked when he was telling me this – I know he had my best interests at heart and I didn’t want to be reminded of my limitations. Sometimes I still find myself getting angry about this conversation even though it happened a month ago – how dare he point out my flaws and limitations? How dare he be so judgemental? How dare he scrutinize I’m aware of my own flaws and shortcomings but I don’t need to be reminded or told by other people because I have my pride. Tigers, like peacocks are proud creatures as well.
But beyond all of this anger and defensiveness about my wounded pride, there was a valid message beneath it all – having to face up to reality. It’s a brutal sobering experience, having to wake up and face reality when I spent the past few months entertaining an extremely foolish course of action – I was planning to run away to teach English in China.
I planned everything – I’d leave without saying goodbye and it would be the start of my brand new life and my career. I felt I had to take this because that’s what life is about, taking opportunities and raising the bar. I had my heart set on it for a few years. I first started reading articles on Tiny Buddha in late 2013/early 2014, right after the horrific year dealing with de-personalization and de-realisation. Articles and stories from people who just ‘went with the flow’ and went travelling and just said ‘f**k it I’m going to take this opportunity, screw the consequences’. At least, that was the vibe that I got.
I thought to myself – “I really want to do that! To prove it to myself that I can do it. To escape from my problems.” Around that time I had gotten accepted onto that graphic design internship in Spain. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I wasn’t the kind of person who got accepted onto great opportunities or winning competitions or anything like that. It raised the bar for me and made me want to dream big. Dream unrealistic. I wanted to believe that because things in my life were less than ideal and things never went according to plan for me, it must all be a sign that I was destined for better things. I was so incredibly up my own arse.
But I realise how incredibly foolish and reckless that could have been – the flights were provided by the learning institutions but I had no way of returning home if things didn’t go according to plan. I didn’t consider everything, I was just too focused on running away and starting a new life.
China is off the cards for the foreseeable future, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I’m not doing great with any of my freelance work. Realising this and facing up to what is – it seems dreadful at first and I wanted to avoid that dreadful feeling but it is as it is. Addressing my pride has compelled me to take action.
It’s perhaps made me realise that making such a reckless impulsive decision, making bad decisions in general and not being careful with my finances might be a sign of bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I know I should seek further help about this but I need to swallow my pride first. Writing my experiences of 2012/2013 was my way of reminding me that I got through that rough patch in my life, I can get through this next one.
Tigers are fiery, proud, wild and formidable but part of me thinks I’d rather be a tiger than be the timid rabbit I thought was leading me down into the rabbit hole in 2012/2013.
What do you think?
Joe
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Joe.
JoeParticipantAnita
I am glad you like my writing, and this gives me more encouragement to write more often. I would love to combine writing with my artwork – hopefully I will write and draw my own graphic novel someday, or maybe even a kids storybook. Sometimes when I write, I get triggers which I use to write more, and the more I write the more I can unearth things and view something from a different angle. I always said that if I didn’t do illustration at university, I would have probably done creative writing instead.
I can’t wait to read more from you.
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
Thankyou for your reply. I love writing, I don’t really do as much writing as I should but I want to. And you know that I am always interested in reading your thoughts.
As for the drawings – I think looking back, I didn’t really know what I was doing and I had no direction with my work, I was trying to make a lot of fantasy illustrations inspired by nature and Celtic myths but I think I was too heavily influenced by the work of other illustrators. Their work afforded me a glimpse into their imagination, their world and I wanted to be immersed in it. They were painting their truth, things that were true to them but I was just too heavily influenced. I wasn’t outright copying their work, I just hoped it would lead to me finding my own story to paint. I didn’t know what I really wanted to paint back then.
Lately I’ve been making more of an effort to illustrate people taking action, or getting ready to bite back. I want to paint perfectly flawed, perfectly ugly, perfectly damaged characters who aren’t afraid of diving deep and unearthing more ugliness, and exposing the sinister inner ugliness of the so-called “shiny happy people”. I want to paint imperfect characters as a way of sticking their fingers up to the notion that we have to always project an image of being happy and subscribing to another persons notion of perfection. I’m perfectly imperfect with my flaws, inner and outer ugliness.
I’ve painted a lot of tigers in the past few weeks or so and I feel fearless, as if by painting tigers I can assimilate the characteristics of the tiger into my own psyche. Have you ever read the poem by William Blake?
I’ve painted owls. Owls are creatures of the night, and the general consensus is that they are wise creatures. Omnipresent. Seeing in the dark, seeing things as they are. Not being scared of the dark. I feel wiser from painting and drawing owls.
I’ve also painted peacocks. Why peacocks? I’ve just always been fascinated by them, and the eye patterns on their elaborate tails. Eyes keeping a watch out. Eyes looking out for danger. Threats. Maybe the eyes are from the perceptions of other people, analysing and scrutinising. Peacocks are proud creatures, always controlled in the way they carry themselves. Pride is something I have thought a lot about over the past few weeks. Too proud to admit my flaws to other people, too proud to admit I need help sometimes and that I’m struggling. I won’t ever stop illustrating and creating art but pursuing it as a full-time job has to take a back seat at the moment because I’m not earning enough money and I was too proud to admit it.
On the subject of eyes, I wanted to share with you a song by the Cocteau Twins, one of my favourite music groups – one lyric has significance for me in this song – “I see me as other people see me.” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yapze5PaFs
First rabbits, now tigers, owls and peacocks…I’m almost tempted to claim that those are my spirit animals!
I will start writing more. I need to get back into journalling, I used to love writing this stream of consciousness kind of stuff.
Joe
JoeParticipantYou have nothing to feel bad about, if you have stated that your boss and VP are not upset with you. It seems like this person has some serious issues and you are not responsible for the way she has reacted. She had no cause to treat you the way she did.
The only thing I can suggest is to avoid this person wherever and whenever possible, and avoid joining in with any conversations if any of your other colleages should start talking or gossiping about her. If you find yourself in a situation where you have to communicate with her, make it polite but short. If she continues her behaviour, the only thing I can suggest is to make another complaint.
I hope this helps
Joe
JoeParticipantI was offered the job but I turned it down – something about it seemed too good to be true. I was literally offered the job immediately after the interview via e-mail and sent me a contract with my name already on it – I was under the impression that it would have taken a lot longer for them to decide whether to offer me the job or not, and that it would be an executive decision and not just solely the decision of the person who interviewed me. They did promise things like the flight there, paid training, first month bonus – that’s what it said on the e-mail but not what it said on the contract. I went with my gut and something didn’t feel right – I couldn’t help but think of the bad reviews. Again, my main concern would have been having the means to fly back home should I need to.
I’m not disappointed, I’m not going to miss what was never mine in the first place. I could have just dived head first into this and really got myself into a trap. Maybe I was being too cautious and maybe it could have ended up being a great experience – who knows? I don’t think I was as ready for this as I thought I was.
There’s still the possibility of me getting a different teaching job in China through my alma mater – I had gone back to the careers office a few months ago and he said he’s still trying to work on finding me a placement. At least then I’d be secure in the knowledge that I’d have the support from the university and that I’d be going with a fellow student from my uni.
But if that doesn’t work out either, there will still be other opportunities.
Thanks again for your support, it means a lot
Joe
JoeParticipantLester
I want to share with you a wise quote I recently came across from an actress here in England (can’t for the life of me remember her name, but this quote resonates with me so strongly) – always make sure you have the bus fare home. What I’m trying to say is – if you do decide to go for this incredible opportunity, make sure you have the means to get home and that you have somewhere to go afterwards.
I agree with Anita – from the sounds of it, there are many WWOOF opportunities and I daresay you should be able to find another opportunity to do something similar in the future. Maybe you could ask the farm in Puerto Rico if you are able to work there further down the line, when you will have some savings behind you?
It never hurts to have a back-up plan.
Best of luck in your future endeavours
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
I have heard great things about that film but I am ashamed to admit I haven’t seen it yet. I will look out for it.
The interview went well and the recruiter seems to think I have the qualities needed for the job, and insistent that the visa is arranged before arrival (and not after) but I am still getting mixed feelings about this so I think it’s for the best. I will look for somewhere closer. No host families.
Thankyou Anita
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
Regarding teaching – my main goal was to teach adults. Sure, teaching kids was initially daunting at first but the main thing is I am capable of teaching. I wanted to teach to push and challenge myself. I may have came across as having not enjoyed it – I guess sometimes I focus and put more emphasis on the bad things because that’s just who I am. The last teaching experience did have its moments but I was in a really bad place when I wrote my first forum post, I was extremely bitter and I will only ever remember the negative things. Teaching may not be my number one passion but the point is I am capable of it and I feel like I need to pursue teaching because there is more job stability in teaching than in freelance illustration. I need to do what I can to get by. I got used to the students and they got used to me, and it just seemed draining and overwhelming for me because it was the first time I had done something like that.
The first time I worked abroad was one of the most exciting times in my life – being away from everybody, learning more about myself and my capabilities, seeing the world – this is what attracts me the most for travel and I haven’t been able to shake it from my mind. When I wrote that first post, I was in a state of “what the bloody hell was i thinking?” I wasn’t in the best state of mind. I hated everything. I lost all enthusiasm for everything. When the s**t hits the proverbial fan, that forces you to re-evaluate everything.
Maybe I do romanticize the whole idea of wanderlust and running away from a dull life to seek a life of adventure. Almost like I want to be the hero of my own story to go on a quest to overcome whatever it is I need to overcome and return victorious. Wanting to feel like Arthur when he prizes Excalibur from the stone… James when he escapes from his horrible aunts and jumps aboard the giant peach…Jack as he climbs the beanstalk to get one over on the tyrannical giant…Harry as he is taken from his cupboard underneath the stairs and sent to Hogwarts…Leaving behind less than desirable circumstances to go somewhere better…
I was in a bitter, twisted, dark place when I wrote that post and I didn’t know what I was going to do to get out of the mud but I think I am in a much better place now, emotionally – I am taking action, making plans.
I am going to do the intetview but I think I will have to let this one go – I know there is the chance of me not being successful. It doesn’t seem viable now. I feel wise now to make this rational decision – if this was the 2014 version of me I would have dived head first into this without stopping to think about the consequences or research the school. If I am presented with another opportunity and I have the means to carry out my plans, I will take it.
What must you think of me with all my mad rambling…!
Joe
JoeParticipantSure – would you like me to analyse from what you have posted from my first post, or are you going to analyse, or…?
Thankyou so much for this, this is extremely helpful. I intend to ask lots of questions at the interview and I intend to ask the same questions to the TEFL company here in England as well to cross-reference.
I think my main fears about this (if I were to be accepted) would be not having the means to get out of there should things go pear-shaped (they said they would pay for the flight there, I need to find out if this is just for the flight there or the return flight as well), not having the right visa or having to relinquish my passport. If they ask for my passport and I refuse, what if they make a big deal about it? I would be happy to send them a scan of the passport beforehand and give them a photocopy, but like I said, having my passport taken would be quite scary.
I did read a positive review from somebody who was employed by the school but because they are effectively a franchise of schools, they have schools in different cities all across China and he got to choose the location, so if I am offered the choice I will ask if it would be possible for me to be located in the same place the blog writer was. Do you think the fact that they have schools all over China as part of a chain adds credibility to this? I know I sound ridiculous for asking all of these questions but it’s better to be safe than sorry I guess!
Thanks again
Joe
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Joe.
JoeParticipant@lucasgreen
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re right, there are a lot of people who didn’t really have great experiences at school and some things just trigger not-so-good memories.
A few months ago I was listening to my local radio station about a man who was faced with the prospect of going to his school reunion but he was unsure about whether to go because that would involve coming face to face with somebody who had tormented him, and the thought of going to this reunion brought back so many painful memories for him. A lot of listeners called in with their reunion stories and how they were reunited with their bullies but surprisingly, their former bullies apologised for their behaviour.
I also remember watching a YouTube video about somebody who was bullied at school, and he actually ended up phoning one of his former bullies – not as a means of calling him out on his behaviour or confronting him, but rather to seek some kind of explanation as to why he was tormented. The bully was remorseful, he did say he didn’t hate the person but he just ganged up on this person with his other friends just because he was there to be bullied, because he was “different”, that’s just how it was. I don’t think this was a particularly good excuse for justifying his behaviour but it sounded like that this person had since changed. I think what irked me the most about the former bully was how he thought it wasn’t a big deal for him back then, he wasn’t aware of how horrible he was making this person feel. “It was just a joke, we were just having a laugh, it was just banter…” If I had a pound for every time I heard that from somebody, I’d be well loaded!
I wasn’t exactly popular myself at school – the cool kids were all about rap music, watching the latest reality television shows, wearing the latest Nike Air trainers, blasting their music on the latest mobile phones, having the most friends on MySpace and Grand Theft Auto. They were quite relaxed in their approach to school work and they liked to have a laugh. They would talk and laugh in class about going out the weekend before and getting drunk and stoned at the park. I think I was the complete polar opposite of all that! I only knuckled down with my schoolwork because there was nothing else to do and I just wanted to be done with it, but for some reason this makes a person a teacher’s pet, an apple polisher, or a “keeno” as we like to say in England. Because I wasn’t popular, trendy or outgoing, they would shout “freak”, “weirdo”, “loser”, “emo”, “fat b*****d”, “why don’t you slit your wrists and kill yourself”, “scruffbag” and a variety of other names I best not repeat on here. It hurt being the constant object of ridicule, or made to feel like they were drawing all of their attention on me, going out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t even going out of my way to “be different” or draw attention to myself, I just wanted to not be noticed (well, actually, I wanted telekinesis after reading Stephen King’s ‘Carrie’ to obliterate them with my mind in excruciatingly painful methods, I was silently twisted and vindictive back then!!!) Looking back, I just attribute this to the fact that there is huge pressure on children and teenagers to conform to what is cool or trendy.
I also remember the torment only ever happening in gangs or packs as well. On their own, the cool kids would just say “hello” and they wouldn’t even try to be mean, they were only ever mean in front of their other friends. Some kind of need to just show off, I guess…
I don’t stay in touch with anybody from school these days but I do hear reports of what they are doing occasionally. Most of them are now parents. I think they had to grow up and take things more seriously when they were faced with these responsibilities – jobs, families etc. If I’m honest, I have no desire to reunite with them – I’m not the same person I was back in school and I don’t think the other’s are the same people either. We have all changed and grown up. I’m not giving any justification for their behaviour towards me but some people just pick on somebody for being different, or just because they are there as an easy target.
The point I’m trying to make here, I guess is that people change – bullying, name-calling, spreading false rumours and abuse is not okay at all and there is no justification for it but after listening to that radio station and realising that people don’t stay the same from when they are at school, it was hard for me to remain bitter or fearful of the other people from school. I’m not saying school hasn’t affected my current outlook on life or that I’m completely over it, but I have to tell myself occasionally that “they were wrong.”
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
I’m always interested to read your input. Fire away!
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
You are right about the air quality, if this happens I will invest in a mask.
I’m sure you will remember in previous threads about my experiences working in Spain – the first time was as a graphic design intern. I once took a weekend away on my own to Granada, it was probably the most exciting experience I had – I was alone, this was the first time I was alone in a different country but I was okay. I reached my destination safely and I arrived back as well. The second time when I taught, not so great (I didn’t get on with the host family so my time came to an end there) – I did have to catch trains and planes and arrive in a city I had never been to before with very little help.
But when you put it like that Anita, this is what I want and I haven’t got anything else going for me right now (you also know how it is with my family). My plan was to get a teaching job and stick around for at least a year before moving on to another destination (Japan, South Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore).
What do you think?
Joe
July 17, 2016 at 10:36 am in reply to: Law of Attraction questions–moving on from a bad experience #109851JoeParticipantI don’t think it’s healthy to deny emotions or to pretend that things are okay when they are not. It’s okay to not be okay.
I had a really bad spell of anxiety a few years ago when I was a student – I desperately wanted things to be better and for the negative to disappear instantly. I was clinging to this idea that I had to think and feel nothing but positivity all the time – I tried this but I still felt rubbish all the time, and I think this made it worse. I didn’t want to acknowledge whatever it was that I was scared of, for fear that I would be sent down my own rabbit hole, so to speak. It wasn’t until I acknowledged the issue fully that the anxiety attacks stopped. I’m not saying I’m fully free of anxiety, I still have my moments – it was during that time in my life I had the most intense anxiety attacks – like I had never felt fear in my life until then.
Please don’t live in denial of your feelings, or pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. I agree with Anita – you will heal in your own time.
Take care
Joe
JoeParticipantAn interesting topic!
From looking at sunsets, I guess that reminds me of the impermanence of all things, and nothing staying the same. Looking at the colours in the sky, the sunlight streaming through dark clouds, it’s like looking at a spectacular painting in the sky, but it will be gone afterwards. There won’t be another like it (and silly me forgot the camera again). That kind of makes me have to be present and take it all in. I can be in a state of no thinking. I know I sound silly but I get really geeky when it comes to sunsets!
Joe
JoeParticipantKristin123
I was never christened or raised in any religion but I guess when I was a teenager I used to believed in some kind of higher power – without subscribing to any one label, religion or belief system. I used to read a lot on the subject – buddhism, bible mysticim, kaballah, hinduism, paganism, wicca, spiritualism (parapsychology/ghosts/ESP)..I also loved reading about ancient Greek religion and the poetry of William Blake.
But now, like you said, I too feel jaded by the world sometimes. I don’t really believe as much anymore – I don’t have answers. It’s a constant tennis match in my mind – do I believe? Do I not believe? I thought I had discarded many beliefs because I felt they didn’t work for me anymore but sometimes I still can’t help but internally debate whether they are true or not. I am a sceptic but I like to think I am open-minded – at least now I am able to see things more objectively.
Joe
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