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JoeParticipant
Anita
I’m having fun getting back into writing these again. Part of me wants to dig up all the notebooks I’ve kept over the past 4 years possibly to share online but another part of me wants to have another one of my bonfire “cleansing rituals” and burn them. It all seems raw at the time but when I look back at it, it’s like it was written by a different person or it just brings up all the bad feelings from that time.
This one is called The Experiment.
nobody can ever know
what went into this
so mad
so arrogant
to assume
that we can create life
in our own image
control life
playing god
and creating monsters
and it’s funny
how it always ends up
being a freak
being an abomination
when they get it all from you
byproducts
of everybody elses worst parts
a walking contradiction of sorts
you’re not human
you’re grotesque
you’re hellspawn
you’re unholy
you’re ungodly
it’s always it
and not them
they stapled it together
but they don’t want
to accept responsibility
it’s all on it
and not on them
they created the monster
they thought
they could control life
but
you don’t control a monster
a mutant
an entirely alien life form
spiraling out of control
on a roaring rampageJoeParticipantHi Myles, welcome to Tiny Buddha. I hope you will enjoy it here.
I’m not Buddhist either and I have never regarded myself as being a Buddhist but there’s a lot about the philosophy that resonates with me and makes a lot of sense to me, especially things like the causes of suffering and the middle path. And I am not perfect at all.
What video games do you like?
Do post more
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
Writing that stream of consciousness poem reminded me of a book I read when I was 18 – “The Bloody Chamber” by Angela Carter. I had to study it in my English Lit class and I loved it – the writer took fairy tales but subverted the roles and twisted them. I wonder if you have ever read it?
What if the protagonists of fairy tales and well-known children’s stories were the villains instead and we were wrong about them all along?
Joe
JoeParticipantStorybook Villains; A Poem
frozen in time
frozen in mind
life goes on
but i’m so behind
neither living
neiter dead
yet sat here
waiting for both of those things
waiting
in the waiting room
waiting
as i watch
the princes and princesses
get called up
when am i
going to get called up
just a witness
to everybody elses
happy ever afters
without one
to call my own
they assume
without ambiguity
that everybody should be
but not everybody
is the stuff
that dreams are made of
trolls
ogres
dragons
witches
crones
dark lords
vile creatures
villains
we’re a misunderstood bunch
and we won’t get
our day in court
cruel
bitter
twisted
because the princes and princesses
made us that way
the princes and princesses
the beautiful people
shiny happy people
really aren’t the fairest of them all
it’s not enough
to be pure in spirit
and have the noblest of intentions
everything we touch
we poison
destroy
disintegrate
annhilate
until nothing
but ash remains
we won’t be happy
until we burn it all
we won’t be happy
until we burn it allJoeParticipantAnita
As you may have gathered from all of my posts here on TinyBuddha, I do have a strong inclination to perceive things in extreme black and white terms. There is no grey area in between as far as I’m concerned, people are either nice people or they are arseholes. Yes, maybe that is why the coworker behaved the way he did. Yes, those are his attitudes and beliefs regarding masculinity and liking sports. Yes, there is a strong generation gap and a strong contrast in beliefs and attitudes. While I strongly disagree with his views because I found that comment really insulting and blatantly sexist, he is still entitled to that opinion. I don’t regard myself as being “a normal blokey bloke”. I don’t do “normal bloke” things like watching football or playing sports or going nightclubbing. The other coworkers had those kinds of interests, but they didn’t seem to have a problem that I prefer reading, painting, that I used to have green hair or that I’m a volunteer librarian.
The other co-workers did invite me out to go for beer with them – it made me feel nervous about going because I had nothing in common with them and I kept wondering if they were just going to be like the person in my dream. For the first time in 7 years or so I felt like Carrie again, nervous that “they’re all gonna laugh at you”. The plans fell through in the end so we didn’t go but I just kept thinking “What if they just told me the whole thing was off and then just decided to sneak and go out without me because they really don’t like me?”
I’m strongly inclined to stick up for myself. I don’t suffer fools anymore. It’s a strong reaction from all the self-reflection over the past two years of me posting on this forum. Learning a lot about self-respect. Unlearning a lot of what I was taught about “just ignoring it”, being polite to everybody and putting myself last. Some people you just can’t win with logic or politeness, they will just persist with their passive aggressiveness until you have to be brutally honest with them and tell them to back off. I’m under no obligation to please everybody and I am not responsible to how they react, but I know that if I take a dislike to a person, I don’t want to know that person and I need to make them stay away from me. The brutal honesty approach may make things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for those present but it works, I have to go for the shock factor sometimes.
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
I hope to be specialising in either graphic design or design for advertising – that’s the kind of thing I want to go for now. I really want to go into editorial illustration, package design, that kind of thing. The fantasy/surreal kind of stuff is fun but I’m just focusing on simple food illustrations at the moment – drawing and painting as many foods as possible and creating as many different variations as I can. I’ve produced hundreds of these illustrations so I’ve made lots of content over the past month or so, I just need to get it out there. Not really deep or meaningful, just pure aesthetic but it’s fun! I’m hoping to put together some teacher resources over the summer (i.e classroom posters, clipart) to start selling on a site called teacherspayteachers. There aren’t enough hours in the day.
You’re right, some people just won’t let people be. Ugh, they seriously expect everybody else to seek their approval on everything? So entitled…
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
Back when I was working last winter, I had this really obnoxious coworker who was old enough to be my dad. He must have latched on to me because I was different from the other warehouse workers – he made snide comments about how I was quiet most of the time (because I was there to do a job, not make small talk – duh), he was constantly making passive aggressive “jokes” to me, undermining everything I was doing when he wasn’t behaving the same way to anybody else and I saw a lot of the same behaviour in him from the person I dreamt about. On one occasion he asked me what football team I support, to which I replied: “I hate football.” He started being really obnoxious, saying “Really?!? You don’t like football?!? What do you like, cooking?” He was obviously one of those prehistoric imbeciles who was somehow implying that because I don’t like sports, I’m not “masculine” enough. He just kept on with his passive aggressive criticisms and I got so sick of his behavior I snapped, and I demanded to know what his problem was in front of everybody, and that he had been nitpicking at everything I was doing. He blatantly denied everything and that I had an attitude problem. He stayed away from me after that incident which was the desired effect. On a plus side, I have an attitude problem! Damn right!
Another time before Christmas, I was meeting up with an old friend for a night out, and I was looking forward to it. There was another friend of hers but I took an instant dislike to him because he was loud, cocky and extremely vulgar. He admitted that he liked to partake in cocaine and he was already halfway through a bottle of vodka so my initial reaction was that I needed to stay away from him and not leave my drinks anywhere near him. Sadly, he kept drawing attention to me, more cliched comments on how “I am too quiet and I need to cheer up, bla bla bla…” We are on the way to the nightclub, and I am cracking – I keep telling myself, “Anymore of his stupidity and I am going to explode…” He came up to me from behind and thought it was funny to grab me from behind. I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED INAPPROPRIATELY BY ANYBODY. I don’t do it to other people because I respect boundaries, and I expect to be treated with the same courtesy. He thought I would be in on the joke, he tried putting his arm around me in a jokey friendly manner and telling me to cheer up. I went absolutely ballistic, shaking him off and I literally roared in his face “DON’T F*****G TOUCH ME!!!!” He looked absolutely horrified, as did everybody. Instead of apologising, he told me to chill out. That just made me even angrier and I was just shouting and warning him away. Again, he avoided me all evening and it did the trick because I despise people like that.
These are some of my brutal honesty revenges, Anita. They always come across as being more vicious and aggressive than I intend, and I can make things extremely awkward for everybody present. But in some twisted kind of way, I enjoy it and I find it extremely satisfying. Knowing that I stick up for myself now and I’m not prepared to be a wallflower. That doesn’t mean I should become a bully and constantly harass people because that’s not okay. Some people, I just need to be really sharp with them so that they stay away. When they don’t come near me anymore, job done.
I was obsessed with “Carrie” during my last year at school, and the year after I left. I just really loved the idea of getting even and using my mind to enact some kind of extreme vengeance on people who had hurt me, or using telekinesis to repel people. I have a sharp temper when people I don’t even know push my buttons, and I realise that because I don’t immediately respond to their crap, they think they’ve got me cornered and they don’t expect me to stand up for myself or retaliate. When I do, it’s shock horror and that is what repels them away.
Nothing major is happening in my life at the moment – well it kind of is, I’m going back to university in September to do my masters. I’m really happy at the moment and I’m looking forward to going back to study. That dream just hit a nerve and irritated me. There’s just something really pleasuring and almost sadomasochistic about itching a scab until it falls off and bleeds. Sometimes it just feels really good to hate people. Some psychologists suggest that people who don’t have vengeful thoughts could be psychopaths.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Joe.
JoeParticipantThankyou for your reply! I always enjoy reading your interpretations of my writing. The poem is about a dream I had a few nights ago about somebody from school who was the absolute pits – it was like nothing had changed, he was still cruel and vulgar as he was back then. I haven’t saw him since I left school, but the dream just brought back all the feelings of bitterness, hatred and how his sick vulgar jokes destroyed my confidence back then. I don’t know why I randomly had that dream because things have been uneventful for me lately, but it kind of makes me wonder what he is like as a person now – is he still as horrible as he was back then or has he changed? I doubt he has – I don’t need to seek closure about this because I don’t see this person anymore and I’m under no obligation whatsoever to see him, but I’ve thought about how I’m not willing to play the victim anymore. When I wrote about “come to me in the spirit if you must…” – that meant him randomly popping up in my dreams, but if we were to randomly bump into each other in real life, I wouldn’t be willing to put up with his crap anymore, and boy would he get roasted.
I don’t turn the other cheek anymore, and I don’t “just ignore them because they will get bored”.
I’m not the kind of person who will actively seek out retribution but I just harbor strong vengeful feelings towards certain people, and that features a lot in my poetry. Religion and spirituality teach us that revenge is wrong, harboring grudges is bad – I’ve tried forgiveness but the feelings just resurface. I’m not going to ignore vengeful thoughts or deny them, but I’m not going to act upon them either. For me, confrontation about their behavior and brutal honesty towards a wrongdoer is my revenge.
The shock they must feel when they underestimate me, thinking I’m just another spineless doormat when I’m not. Sometimes I let them try, I don’t immediately react to their insults or abuse but I’m waiting for the right moment. They walked right into a trap and if they don’t back off, boy they are going to get it…
I know this is painting me in a really vindictive negative light but I’m just being honest about how I feel towards people who think they can have a go. I’m not scared anymore.
Have you ever read Stephen King’s “Carrie” or watched the film starring Sissy Spacek?
Joe
JoeParticipantMark
Thankyou, that means a lot! I haven’t really been writing as much as I’d like but I’m just feeling super inspired all of a sudden to write.
Joe
May 3, 2017 at 9:53 am in reply to: Help me learn to deal with people. Bullied and culture shocked. #147885JoeParticipantHi James
I really resonated a lot with your post, having to deal with people like you described.
You are under NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to stay in contact with these people. I would just block and delete them – if they carry on whining about why you have deleted them, just don’t respond. These people do not get to dictate to you who you should and shouldn’t associate with, and they do not get to make you feel bad for wanting to do your own thing. Or if you are feeling really brave, you could just be blunt and brutally honest about why you don’t want to know these people anymore. Being brutally honest gets easier the more you do it.
I agree with Anita when she states that you can’t control what other people say to other people. Some people have nothing better to do with their mediocre lives besides gossiping about others and that’s a poor reflection on their character, not yours. Something else I have recently learned for myself that has helped me be assertive when it comes to dealing with difficult people is that you are not responsible for how other people react. If these people are going to whine and be awkward about the fact you don’t want them in your life anymore then that is their problem, not yours.
Best of luck to you
Joe
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Joe.
JoeParticipant@greenshade
The list of principles sounds like a great idea. I guess this whole issue does effect me because it’s almost as if the last conversation we had is on a repeat loop in my head.
It’s interesting how you bring up the idea of an intention being compassionate self-defense, I don’t regard this as being compassionate. Maybe it’s just me being proud. I have my pride and it got wounded (like it has many times before), but this all coming from him deeply wounded me, especially the fact I couldn’t get a word in to explain myself. Maybe I just want to have the last word to get even, like some form of revenge. I’ve spent the past year teaching myself self-respect and bringing myself up after a few setbacks and failures. Maybe I do have a problem dealing with criticism and maybe there were some valid points to Bill’s criticisms but there is also relentlessly criticizing somebody just for the sake of it. I don’t need to be around people who constantly bring up my flaws or constantly telling me “I should do this, I should do that, why don’ I do this, why don’t I do that…”
As for the affecting my work thing, perhaps this has only made me even more determined than ever to go after my goals, and I would feel more inclined to slay them if I didn’t feel like Bill was scrutinizing me all the time. Like I said, my success is not what his version of success is. I dance to the beat of my own drum.
Thankyou for your last response, it has helped me a lot 🙂
Thankyou for sharing this with me, and thankyou for reminding me that I still need to read this book. I purchased A New Earth last month and I haven’t gotten round to reading it yet.
How’s it going?
I feel like this is something I should do but I don’t know how to go about doing it. Every time I’ve emailed or WhatsApped him messages, he just replies very briefly so I just get the impression he really isn’t interested in what I have to say and he’s just going to dismiss it. I remember sending him a message on WhatsApp but it took me a while to type something like “I’m good, how are you?” because the keypad on my old phone was broken, and he just sent me another smart aleck remark saying “Are you writing me an essay or something?”
I did suggest meeting up with him a few times but he always seems to be busy when he comes back to his hometown every weekend, but every other time it seems like he feels that the whole group should meet up together instead and that just used to make me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to go for any more of these get-togethers, but I didn’t want to say that out of politeness. Now I realize that I am not responsible for the way other people react.
I kind of feel ridiculous about this whole thing – the last time I met up with this person face to face was two years ago. We have only spoken on the phone or sent messages since – we haven’t seen each other and I haven’t seen any of the other people from the group since but I felt like they had this hold over me. I don’t know how to go about doing this.
JoeParticipantGreenshade
Yeah, I have already established that I used to let people walk over me and never letting me explain myself. Like I said in my post, I don’t suffer fools anymore and I stood up to the last two people who tried to treat me that way over Christmas.
It’s just eating up at me and I just keep imagining this scenario in my mind where I confront this person and let him know that I’m not okay with the way he has spoken to me. Almost as if by having this confrontation, I’d get even with him.
What do you suggest? Do you think I should just delete this person from my life or should I let him know that I’m not happy about him so I can put it behind me?
Thankyou for your response
Joe
JoeParticipantRedeemer
An interesting question you pose here.
What is my truth? My truth is all that I have experienced, am experiencing and will experience, and not what other people have experienced. For I don’t know what it is like to be somebody else.
For other people, their ‘my truth,’ or their truth is all that they have experienced, are experiencing and will experience, and not what everybody else or myself have experienced.
My truth is what I know to be true about my life. My truth is what I think I know to be true about somebody else.
My truth is how I perceive the outer world and other people, and how I react to those things. But my perception could be false. My previous experiences and my preconceptions inform how I think and feel about situations, places and people. For example, I might meet a person I find to be really obnoxious and antagonistic, and how I react to this informs me of how I might react to other people who share similar personality traits. I might meet another person sometime after, but my experience has informed me to be defensive around this person and to avoid interacting with them for fear of not wanting to be antagonized. I could be wrong; that person could be the nicest person in the world and just happens to share similar traits with the previous person, or there might be some kind of external reason as to why that person might be acting in what I perceive to be an obnoxious and antagonizing way (they could have just stubbed their toe or something). My preconceptions could be obscuring me from seeing things as they really are, and clouding my judgment. Of course I could be right, that person could just be obnoxious and antagonistic in general.
So if my perceptions and judgments could be incorrect, is it really truth? Truth should be absolute. Truth should be correct. Truth is not incorrect. There should only be one truth, one objective reality. Truth is not false. Truth should not contradict.
That’s not to say how we have reacted to certain people, events or situations is false and invalid. We had some kind of emotional and physical response to certain things. Our brain has established neural links with how we should react to external stimuli based on how we have previously reacted to those stimuli before.
Currently, what I think is my truth at this particular moment is that something bad is about to happen or something isn’t quite right, and it is going to disrupt a state of calm and equilibrium that I have managed to maintain for the past month or so. If I were to be completely objective about how I am feeling right now (which I am trying to), I would probably say I drunk too much coffee today after I went cold turkey and relapsed (again) and that as a result of drinking too much coffee and consuming too much caffeine, this has caused certain chemical reactions in my body to make me feel nervous, jittery and anxious. You would think I’d have learned by now to not drink obscene amounts of coffee after I have done so many times before and reacted the same way but oh no, not I!
Is it possible for a person to be completely objective about something?
Most of this is what I have taken from watching a film titled “What the bleep do we know?” – it’s a really interesting, thought provoking film about neural connections, psychology, quantum physics, philosophy, spirituality and that kind of stuff. Some of it is pretty “far out” and I’m not really that much into being “far out” these days but it’s still a fascinating watch for me.
Thanks for posting
Joe
JoeParticipant@norit
Glad I’m not the only one! You are absolutely tight – I’m in my element where there are things I genuinely do want to talk about – when that does happen, the conversation flows. But you’re right – there’s only so much you can say about the weather.And you are absolutely right about having friends to be silent with. Comfortable silence and not awkward silence.
@Hana L
You are right – there are some people who just talk too much about themselves, every single trivial mundane little thing. It doesn’t help that I have a short attention span, I just find my mind wandering off. That’s usually when the “Are you okay? You seem upset” comments start piling in.
@anita
The older I get the more inclined I am to seek disapproval from certain people just to amuse myself. The look on their face when I do that – as if for some reason the entire purpose of my existence is to win their approval. People who have really high opinions of themselves and have high standards for other people. I look at those kinds of people with a mixture of amusement, pity and scorn.I think more people should be encouraged to actively seek the disapproval of others. A mass rebellion against approval. We can hold mass protests everywhere, and we can have silent protests just to spite the people who need people to talk all the time. We will have impromptu protests and rallies at shopping centres, football stadiums and nightclubs. Anybody who breaks the silence will be looked at with disdain and met with the sharp hissing noise of “Ssh!” But then the person who breaks the silence is exercising their right to win the disapproval of the people holding the protest against approval. They would be having a counter-protest yet at the same time still protesting against approval. What a paradox. Can we just rebel against having to win the approval of people who don’t deserve it? Can we call ourselves anti-approval activists?
Joe
JoeParticipantAnita
My new years resolution this year was to not make new years resolutions. A month in and I’m doing great so far, it might be the only resolution I haven’t broken!
Joe
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