Dear Anita,

To answer your questions:

What was the beauty in this relationship?: She was there for me every time, I was down, She made me laugh, be happy, confident, cry, but also, made me go through a lot of hardships as long as my personal space and time for myself is concerned. She is like a two sides of the coin(she is too good, when she is good and happy) (too bad, when she is not happy or stressed, because of her stubborn nature). I find this relationship beautiful because, she pulled me up, when I was in a time of morally low, with low self esteem and was living a life of dull and boring life(just for the sake of living) isolating myself from everyone and just spending empty and blank days altogether)

What was the meaning in this relationship to you?: As you know, I’m not living with my parents for the past 5 years, I live in a different state(but, visiting them, once in every two months). Since I was missing my mom and that feeling was lingering in me every single day, when she came into my life and started taking care of me(mostly virtually and often physically), I felt her like my mom both loving, caring, nurturing with genuine interests about my emotional and physical well being, but always strict and getting things done in her own way…this means, if she wants me to do something, which benefits her beliefs, I must do it, else, she literally threatens me that, she will leave me.. so, I used to get scared of leaving this relationship and did everything and once that is done, she is happy again and will get back to me in the same way she used to be..Now, I’m realizing that, I have exhibited the same nature which was ingrained in me by my father and I didn’t had the courage to say no to this women, when I really didn’t wanted to do it..

Now, I feel, there was no meaning at all for all the time and energy and my personal space and love, I have invested in this relationship..

What was the joy you experienced?: Being with her, gives me the inner strength, I feel like, I can do anything, if I’m with her and I will be confident in doing it, and that’s the way, she treated me…I”m not sure, if I’m even putting it in the right way, Its just a feeling, I”m not able to explain correctly.. feeling so confused…

Hello Anita,

Thank you so much for your insightful thoughts. I would like to open a new thread, in a new name, since the person, whom I have that 1.5 yrs relationship knows about tinybuddha and she reads these blogs occasionally. Will it be ok, if I start a new topic in a different name and share about that relationship?

Hello Lakra,

Thank you so much for the time and efforts taken to read and respond to my blurting outs…..Yes, very often I feel like, I’m the one compromising and I’m giving in too much, just because, I can’t see them being unhappy or moody, just because, I denied their happiness by not saying NO to them. I know, it’s wrong or somewhat confused to behave like this, but, still my dad’s way of bringing me up or toning me up has made me into what I’ am today…I just say yes to everything and would do anything, just to see them or make them happy, many times, going out of the way to do it.. question, is? am I trying to impress upon them? or am I trying to lure them, by keeping them happy, so that they will never leave me and be with me always? even though most of the times, I’m getting manipulated and being treated like a door mat, as you said….once the job is done, I will be treated as an outsider and they hurt me by doing something, and they don’t even feel a remorse for the mistakes they have committed…

Especially, when it comes to relationship, I’m not sure, if im not able to accept people as they are and who they are and letting go of certain things, which bothers me much…or I don’t even, know, if I”m expecting too much from everyone, just because,I’m making them happy, whenever they want or need…

Your insights are very helpful and thoughtful, but won’t I alienate people, If I say no to them and they wont feel happy about it? I’m afraid that my list will grow shorter and I may loose genuine people? or am I still confused….I’m sorry, that I’m just not able to think straight at this point, since the relationship I had with her has drained me so much.. that, I cant pass a single day without being with her or think about her all the time, even though, I know, she is manipulating and hiding the truth….

Thank you Anita.. Please take your time…You all have been very helpful….I want to change the way, I see or perceive people as they are accept them as they are and not as what they want me to be….But, how is it possible to do this, without getting to know them better, in the process, I get hurt in the end.. since I gave in too much for them and go back only very little in return…which i feel decieved or disappointed sometime? Should I make boundaries with everyone at each person’s level? If so, how can I get to know them better and would it be not, that I’m trying to maintain a distance from them, because of my own over thinking or insecure feeling? What if, genuine people who would like to be with me at any circumstance, get hurts by my behaviour?

I don’t know.. as usual.. I’m not able to figure out on my own and I’m confused…

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and clarifications on what I’m going through all these 39 years.. I NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO LIVE THE LIFE I WANTED FEARING REJECTION OR DISAPPROVAL OR NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT, BY SAYING NO. I was bought up as exactly as you said… If I say Yes, I will be getting what I wanted to have…either materialistic or mental health benefits from everyone in my life… as I see it.. and that’s the way, life has been….even with my daughter… My dad gives me everything, even today, only, if I say yes to whatever he wants me to do…If, I say no and do something out of my own gut feelings and if something goes wrong..he is always available to point out at me, ” I told you so” and to discourage me saying..” You should’ve done it my way”… “I came to this world first.. before you and I know it better than you”. This is the exact words, he would use…so, unknowingly or unconsciously, I became a person, who would always want someone to verify my own thoughts and actions and tell me or guide or approve me saying, I”m doing the right thing and it would not cause any harm as a consequence…

Again, I have so much going on in my life, that I’m almost on the brink of isolating myself from everyone and get into my own thoughts and living in solace, fearing not to lose anything which is mine and which I feel, I deserve, because of everything I have done to everyone on the positive side,(there are cases, where as a son, brother, friend, lover, husband, soulmate and father) I have done and given so much of myself to an extent of even mentally, and physically to many people in my life’s journey…. But at the end of the day, I don’t get what I deserve.. or is it only me feeling that I didn’t get what I deserved and the other person, whom I’m dealing with thinks, that, this is the best I can do to you for what, you have done to me…I’m really confused on how I should interact with people even on a day to day basis, so that I don’t isolate anyone…

I was reading from one of the posts in this forum by somebody and found out the definition of who I have been all along: PEOPLE PLEASER….. Yes, I would do anything.. Just anything to see others smile and be happy, even if it takes I have to let go of myself and not be as who I truly am and want to be(both on the positive and not so positive sides of me)….

I will be sharing more and more.. Hope, no one find’s it annoying to read such big posts…

Thank you so much Anita for being very kind hearted, passionate and very helpful and helping me with clear thoughts…