Hi AnxiousAsUsual,

I know exactly how you feel.  I was in a same situation before – sex life with ex bf was great, then it became twice a month thing, then once in 3 months, until I had to leave since I no longer feel loved. I know I am pretty and smart.. and sexy cause I’m a weightlifter as well haha. What’s happening with both of you is more common than you think. There are people who are much prone to low sex drive when stress levels are changing and there are people like us (or just me) on the other end of the spectrum who wants more pleasure (from food, sex or anything) when stressed.

Now my question is, do you guys have other issues that have been pushed under the rug? Or what exactly is he stressing about? If you can answer these, then you might be able to help him out.

For now, don’t take it personally. Remember that everyone has their own unique set of behaviours and this just might be his way of reacting to stress. It’s important for you to get to know this part of him. Don’t assume that things will magically work out for both of you just because you guys are officially together, don’t fall into that trap. People are constantly changing.

On the other hand, you might want to start to think about what’s negotiable and what’s not in a relationship for you. Write it down if you have to. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is very important. I don’t see a point in having a relationship with someone else if you’re gonna sacrifice a huge part of you.

Lastly, I don’t think someone needs to have OCD or GAD to be triggered by this situation. It’s already alarming by itself.

Thanks,

Justine

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Justine.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Justine.

Hi Csaba,

First of all I wanna tell you that THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You’re needs are totally normal. Are you familiar with the 5 languages of love? Read it here. This saved my sanity and finally encouraged me to break up with my ex. You’ll find out there that each and everyone of us expresses our love in different ways and in life, we simply need to find the person that speaks the same love language/s as we do or balance them out. Well I know they’re not easy to find but knowing what type you are (you definitely fall under the ‘physical touch’), it’s a good point to begin with in finding the right partner for you.

I’ve been in the same situation 2 years ago except that I’m the woman and I was the one who constantly demands intimacy! Can you just imagine how it was harder for me since I am the girl? At first we would do it once a week, then once a month, then once every 3 months! I just couldn’t take it anymore and just like you, I became irritable! He would just never understand why I needed intimacy. I remember him accusing me “Is sex really all that you want?”. From this I concluded that there are just people who don’t have that high sex drive, whether male or female, young or old, it doesn’t discriminate. Just let it go. You can’t change them no matter what you do. They can only change for themselves.

I am worried about you cause I know that your self-esteem and sanity are already suffering. This can cause irreversible issues on your mental health and well-being. That also happened to me, I felt like I’m ugly and unattractive. Have you tried removing a certain part of your diet? Let’s say carbs. At first you are fine with it and as weeks go by you would find yourself fantasizing, craving for it until you would become obsessed and binging on it. And that’s not a good thing. This is what’s happening on you except that it’s intimacy. It affected me a lot on my next relationship as when my boyfriend would rejects me (in which he rarely does), I would interpret that in a negative way when in fact, he is just simply tired. (that eventually led up to another breakup btw). Get out of that relationship as soon as you can.

You two are made of each other? I doubt that. If that’s true you wouldn’t find yourself writing that post above. There’s nothing wrong with you and with your gf, you’re just not meant to be together. You’re better off as friends cause friends dont have sex right? Haha. My point is, what if there’s someone out there who has the same interest and values as you have and at the same time, speaks the same language? I’m 100% sure there is. And my goodness, you’re just 24! I was in your age when that happened to me and now, I’m in a relationship that perfectly suits me.  Go out there and find/wait for the right person for you.

Love,

Justine

I have always been passionate in becoming a lifelong learner. As much as possible I try to avoid the trap of falling into a daily routine. I am a creature of habit but I want my pattern to be significant and have a positive impact in the long run. I honing my technical skillset for my career, to pursuing my personal interest and hobbies, I would always dedicate more than enough energy to try to achieve my maximum potential for things that would spark my interest.

Being part of the IT industry requires me to be adaptable to the latest trends and frameworks that is why I am very dedicated in picking up new skills, or unlearning things if necessary. Overtime I am able to develop techniques that are effective for me – either I study things simultaneously or focus on one subject and work my way on mastering it. But for any technique that I choose, it all boils down in my critical thinking and problem-solving skills. I can say that I have improved and keep on improving the more I practice my craft. It is not right for me to overload myself cognitively so I constantly apply what I learn. These have thought me to become a risk-taker and not afraid of throwing myself into the unknown.

Having said all these, working for J&J would be a perfect avenue for me to apply my technical and intrapersonal skills. I am confident that I have the technical skills needed for the job based on my experience as a web designer I am quite familiar with knowledge management since my current work is not totally different from it. I hope I can also contribute to the back-end side of the content management system used since I have experience developing online forms. Moreover, I believe that I can handle the workload as I am used to working under pressure with different stakeholders. This had been a hurdle for me before in my early years of working but I have learned to take one step at a time and getting the job right as the main priority. I am now able to write effectively to my audience and provide proper feedback. Thinking about this specific job at J&J, I can welcome the writing skill as a challenge. Since I am keen on solving challenges and learning from them and writing is not actually far from my interests, I would be glad to dedicate time and effort in improving that skill which I believe would be very helpful for me in other aspects of my career.

I hope I can also contribute to the mission of J&J in providing care for the health and wellness of people worldwide as I do personally promote good health through high-intensity exercise and body building. More importantly, I am enthusiastic in collaboration to achieve the purpose of the business. I more than willing to work with other teams to improve the business and workflow to provide better results.

Yes I agree! This post acknowledges the time and energy of ALL people who help and contribute to this wonderful site. Anita, Inky and Eliana (or Elaina? sorry I’m not sure!) and also the late Pearce Hawk. Would never forget his insights. Thanks guys!

Justine

Hi Janet,

I can’t believe Im crying right now over a loss of someone I haven’t even met in person.. I even went to his page and read all of his responses before. His words were so insightful and they become alive. Our prayers are with you. Just talk to us here

Justine

Hi Myles,

I would just like to acknowledge your courage to take over your life at a very young age! I’m only 25 now but when I was 18, I could even get my parents to allow me to stay overnight with my friends!! Come here in the Philippines! People will love you! I remember growing up here, I have lots of gay friends/classmates that it was like normal thing for us. I haven’t heard of the word homophobic until I was done with college! Like why would we be afraid of gay people? They are still human beings like us! We’re no different with each other!

When I was 20 they didn’t like the guy I was dating for 4 years because he was 7 years older than me. I don’t see this as a different case to gay people. My family is afraid for me, just like yours. And hell I didn’t care as I believe that’s the part of my life they should not have any control. Period. Cause even when the world crumbles, I’m still their daughter. It’s not my fault that they cannot accept that.

Continue being brave Myles, you have people like us who don’t see you as a different one. Focus your energy on here on the good things/people! I promise I’ll pray for you! 🙂

Hi Flossy,

My ex bf of 1 year and me had the same thing before. We stopped being intimate when we reached our 6th or 7th month.To begin with, he wasn’t really that showy when it comes to physical affection which was weird for me. It was already a flag for me but I didnt pay attention at first. We never really looked into each other’s eyes and kissed, you know .. that kind of being sweet. It would always be a quick kiss or simple smack. That was okay for me because he was affectionate and attentive to other areas. I believe his love language is having quality time and running errands for me. BUT I AM DIFFERENT. My love language is through physical affection and deep conversations. No matter how hard I try to convince myself to love him because that’s who he is, I just can’t. I felt guilty of leaving him just because of that so I stayed for a while. Until time came when even the small kisses, cuddles and holding hands in public disappeared. And sex was out of the scope of our relationship. I tried to talk to him about this and he even got mad at me at one point and accused me that sex is the only thing I want in a relationship. He was wrong. Intimacy is important to me as much as I value honesty and loyalty in a relationship. He eventually admitted to me that he wanted to become a man of God, that means he didnt want to have sex with me until we get married. That was okay for me, I even agreed but I will catch him watching porn and add random sexy girls on social media? He even had pictures of cute and sexy girls on his phone. But when I touch him, he will move away. He even shouted at me once saying “Go find someone else who will do that to you because I am not like that anymore” Wow. I was really confused. By this time, my confidence and self esteem were deep under ground and I just didnt have the strength anymore to continue.

I think you just need to make a decision for yourself, on what matters to you the most, on what things do you want to value. Take a stand for yourself and let the universe do its thing. Today, I am in a great relationship with a man who has the same value for intimacy and affection as I have. I will not be in this situation if I didnt become courageous enough to give importance to myself. It’s my lovelife, IT IS MINE, I’m gonna own it. I will only marry a man once (hopefully) in my life so I will choose the best for me.

Flossy I know you love him but your needs should be met too. I commend you for staying that long in a relationship that lack physical affection. 6 months almost killed me, yours is more that twice long! If time came that you just could bear it anymore, have no worries! You’ll gonna meet a man that is right for you. Good luck. Keep us updated.