Hi Anita,

I hope that you are well. Here I am to give a little update and hopefully get some advice.

In general i have been a lot calmer. The thoughts have still been there from time to time but I have been better at letting them go.

Some key key moments of the past week:

Thursday: I found out that getting my undergraduate degree recognised in Spain may be a little complicated and harder than I thought. I may have to do some extra modules. Or look at other options. My initial reaction inside was a gut feeling of “We are going to have to break up and I’ll have to return to UK”. I felt very sad because I don’t think I want that. That same day I had an argument on a metro (I asked a man to stop being aggressive to his wife) and also had been called fat in Work (which I was naturally not very happy about). All in All a bad day.

Friday:

i was still a bit stressed/worked up. We went to the cinema. On the way home he got nervous when we were holding hands because there was a group of people. This has been an ongoing thing – I am not a huge “I must hold your hand” but if I feel affectionate it’s quite nice to not have to think. Anyway, he rejected my hand and I withdrew emotionally. I couldn’t speak to him very much and felt very nervous and negative like we should break up because this issue will not get bettter. I was more angry because I was behaving like my mother. Very much so and was ashamed at myself for not being more understanding, and acting like her.

Today:

i have been nervous about speaking the languages here in Spain. Even though I get complimented regularly about my language skills. Last night when my partner came home he told me he had a “surprise English exam” and hopes that he passed but not to worry because he wasn’t prepared. I felt an overwhelming sadness because I want him to be happy and confident. I told him I worry that we recreate my childhood dynamic in the sense of education. He told me not to overthink that he knows I always try and encourage him to be “better” and he feels very supported. But is that bad that he thinks I try to make him better? I hope not because he said “you love me for me as I am” and I had a negative thought “no I don’t” but 5 minutes before all I thoight was how I love him.

Fast forward to today. A straight man in Work who is nice and I think I have a crush on (actually has a sexual dream about him which frightened me endlessly) was talking about his girlfriend. She is a high achiever in academics and languages, and I immediately felt hot and nervous like maybe I hadn’t achieved that, or would someone like her but a man be “better” for me….

then at a session i I went today I had to speak in my non native language and I was so nervous before. But I did it. Very well.

Thank you,

that makes me feel like I’ve made progress today alone.

Alone i hope it wasn’t to impress me. I don’t imagine it was – he does always sit to do his homework every week. Always. He is very dedicated to going to class twice a week and doing the homework. He does work full time too.

i am glad I was able to stay calm. Now we are watching a series and relaxing after preparing dinner together and chatting. I let it pass because I know there are more important things. (I did almost fall into my usual trap of googling on differences). Like I need to see successful stories of people in love with and without university degrees. Maybe that’s the looking for safety…

Hello again,

I know that you are right in that. I really do. And I am trying my best, I really am. And I do feel safe. But this core belief tears me apart. Really. And it’s so judgemental. I really like what you say about anxiety predating the relationship. In fact it is showing up again tonight:

I got home today and was happy to see him. He wasn’t feeling well so I expected to find him in bed, but instead he was at the table attempting to do his English homework. So he asked for help and I remember saying to myself ‘be kind, be patient, don’t be frustrated’. Yet, he doesn’t get it, or it takes him longer. And I cope with that because learning a language is hard, and takes time. I also decided to do my homework, and when I ask him for help – he can’t really. He gets confused, he tells me different things, and doesn’t seem to know what the differences of tenses are. Realistically there are things he asks me that I can’t answer for him, but when it comes to the basics…it frightens me that he may not know how to articulate them. So I took a breath, and almost cried, and feel horrible inside. My mind was racing and wants to say ‘I think it’s important that you know these things because’ and I don’t have a because…maybe in case we have a kid so we can help them. Or because it’s not my first language and wish he could help. But, I didn’t say it. Instead I left him to do his homework and am lying down about to meditate. I want to cry because I feel so mean, so judgemental. In my heart I still don’t want to leave him, not at all. But I can’t help think ‘WHAT IF’ there is someone who can fulfil me in that way – but again there will be ways that they cannot fulfil me.

Now my anxiety is in full cycle because I know he is not computer able either – I mean obviously he can turn on and use basic things, but my anxiety is telling me ‘He couldn’t type fast’…like that’s some sort of prerequisite for a healthy relationship.

So now I lie here and feel sad because I don’t want to feel this way. And wonder, is this a deal breaker, my heart says no, but it is still difficult.

I hope I am not crazy for these thoughts. And i hope that I am not allowing fear creep in.

Anita,

So that’s a positive thing to notice and reflect I guess, rather than panic and make irrational decisions?

I don’t remember much, my late teens were quite blurred with emotional neglect or perhaps emotional abuse is the best way to say it.

I did remember two things. When I was very young I remember crying at the kitchen table because I could not spell the word grandad. Even though she showed me how to, each time she came back I had put a double d. I remember she got very frustrated and wouldn’t let me leave. I also remember that each Friday we had a spelling test in class, and I used to always ‘win’. Another thing I remember is that she would call me in during the summer holidays when I was playing with friends or whatever to make me sit and revise my mathematics times tables. I remember I used to be so upset/embarrassed because I was the only one who was called to do it. I believe she meant well, but it’s worth reminding that she was forced to leave school at 15 to go and work (her family background is quite negative). I guess that is like my current partner (only he comes from a generally loving and supportive family). I know I used to get upset because we couldn’t afford new textbooks and I always had to have second hand ones.

One other thing I remember, when I was 18 I was sitting my finals in high school. At the time I was no longer living with her because of the difficulties of the situation and was forced to live with a family member. I bumped into her after an exam, which I had made a mistake in and explained to her the mistake I made, and how I rectified it (I was proud I noticed the mistake, and thought fast to correct it) and she said ‘Well what did you do that for?’ in a very critical tone and I remember feeling very sad.

Her love for me was very conditional. I remember that if we ever did something wrong at home, it was quite common for her to pointblank ignore us as punishment. Likewise, I do know that when I did well in school etc she praised me a lot, and encouraged me a lot. If I was ever in trouble or anything like that I would be punished. She used to check up a lot on my work too, and make sure my stuff was always signed. But love wise, I do really struggle to remember the good times but I am not sure if that is a stress reaction. I dont know if I shut off from memories, that is why I can’t remember, almost as a protective factor. Other people often don’t understand when I mention that I cannot remember the so called ‘good times.’

I remember my brother was not very academic, he had potential to be but liked to be out with friends etc. I remember when his results came too they weren’t as good as mine (although he was older) and I remember he was upset in his room, probably because he hadn’t achieved what he ‘should’ have.

Anita,

I thank you so much for this eye-opening and challenging post. I want to say I had never considered it as a core belief, I guess I am still laerning about all that, and therapy is helping. I did some psychotherapy for a year, then did some group psychotherapy and now am doing 1 on 1 therapy, but I cannot remember the exact name, I think it is psycho-social. The idea is to explore emotions and heal the inner child. We specifically tackle my relationship anxiety and it is helping, but as you mentioned anxiety is fear.

I also want to thank you for helping me to choose love over fear. Last night when I got home late (we both are learning a language each so Tuesday is a later evening for us) we sat together and I said what I had to:

“I am very sorry from the bottom of my heart if ever I have made you feel less than me or anyone else for not having a degree. I think that I have my own issues in relation to education which frighten me greatly, and maybe I will always find it difficult to understand why people don’t feel the same, or why maybe you don’t ever want to study, but for you I accept that because I love you for you. I think you are an incredible person with the biggest heart I have ever met and that is what you have shown me is important and I really do love you with all my heart`

It was a nice moment because I felt like I was taking care of myself and him together, we are stronger together. When you said: ‘ You have been communicating to him, intentionally or not, that he is not valuable because of his lack of education.’ I almost cried in pain because I would never want to do that to him, and I suppose I understand how that feels.

And then this morning, the core belief attacked again. My brother has a girlfriend and I asked what she does. She is doing her PhD and I felt tense, scared and less. Then I realised that all anyone wants is happiness and we are all on our own individual paths, so I let it go and focused on the positives in life.

Thank you again for taking time out to respond to me. I want you to know that I value it greatly.

Thank you both for your responses. I had a few days of clarity after and felt good about everything and we have been enjoying life happily.

Qeirdly enough at at this moment I feel anxiety creeping in. I am wondering if we will have enough money. If I will ever achieve what I “want with education” as I will have to do it in a foreign language (Spanish) which is not my mother to gue.

Then it latched on. Will he ever push himself more than he has done? Will he ever achieve more? What if he never earns more? Will he have enough to live? Can we survive on minimal wages? What do I do if I find others attractive and those who have more muscles? “Better jobs”?

But resllt all i want to do is kiss him and tell him I’m scared. So that’s what I’m going to do I stead of letting this fear form too much of my happiness.