Anita,

i hope that you are well.

I come to write today from a sad place indeed. I am tired, worn out mentally, scared, lost. However I briefly read through the last few messages and feel a bit brighter, I DIDNT RESEARCH. Progress.

This week has has been filled with uncertainty from my side. Like a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I am trying to let it go. Yesterday I felt clear again. But stressful moments at work made me feel down (I’m not very fulfilled with my job but of course am doing my best to stay calm there and appreciate it for what it is).

After language class last night, I went for pizza with some classmates. (I was nervous about going, well I had an intrusive thought because sometimes I fear doing things without him which is why I went, it’s heslthy to form relationships, friendships). A girl there was talking about her relationship with her very attractive lawyer boyfriend. They are in crisis. They are moving to her country of origin where he doesn’t speak the language or have a job in the fall. She seemed nervous. Anyway, I told her not to worry, doubts are normal. I shared some examples. Then the trigger came.

She asked how long long we had been together. I told her and she said

“I would explore that more. So many doubts, I don’t think that’s normal. Doubting you love someone after nearly 3 years. The only people I have ever doubted are the ones who were not right for me”.

And with that. I froze. I felt horrendous. Really scared. Although part of me thought “she’s not right, this is my relationship and we are ok” that didn’t last. Fast forward 30 mins I’m on a bus home and almost crying.

I reaxh out to some friends/my brother:

– feel like I have nobody to talk to about it.

– thinking maybe psychotherapy will be better than my current therapy

– feeling that maybe I’m just not ready for all of this. That all of my old wounds need to be worked on before I can be with someone.

– maybe I should just go travel and study elsewhere and just love in peace alone.

Etc.

I got home. There is was. And I cried. I cried like I had never cried in years and years. He held me. I explained “I feel like I’m hurting you. Like you deserve better. Like I don’t know what my options are in this country. I’m fed up with work. I’m fed up with doubting and feeling scared.

Youre my my best friend and I don’t want to lose you but I’m not sure how long I can go on feeling like this. I feel completely insane.” And I cried for about 10 mins and we lay together. He was calm. He supported me. He listened.

I woke up now. Still not feeling great. Still worrying about the guy in the office and the fact he was in a dream again. Even though now that had calmed down – I really must express that this guy is much younger and really I think it’s sheer boredom on my part at work. But it’s intrusive. It’s scaring me.

But. I didn’t google. I wanted to and I didn’t. I did this Monday – Wednesday but not last night. This week when I was tired of googling I looked for stuff for us to do as a couple. Better use of my energy.

I ahould note note that I will have lived here a year this Monday June 11th. My year anniversary of finishing university has just passed. I’ve also felt very deep thougjys about my family etc.

Thank you for your time as always.

Hi Anita,

That all makes sense. I will attempt to do that.

I think I have to accept that I am in anxious mode, for example, I want to google Masters in the ‘best universities’ in the UK because I feel it will provide me with a ‘better future’ and ‘career opportunities’, even though that would mean at the sacrifice of a very important relationship.

Hi Anita,

Thank you very much for the response. It has been very helpful.

Today the anxiety is quiet, and I am not worrying (I am still with a stomach bug!!) so I am at home on Doctor’s orders and trying to relax.

I feel very determined to work with the childhood anxiety, very very determined.

Derek

I see.

I guess that makes sense to me. Because when i feel happy and calm I don’t usually have fearful or scary thoughts. Nor do I criticise or doubt. I accept more and realise my relationship is MINE.

But I suppose decision making and stability have been such great issues that it is almost normal for me to question because my mind has been trained to be on high alert.

Hi Anita,

I guess I find it hard to know what the realistic thoughts are at times. For example, if I feel a sense of dread in my stomach that maybe ‘I am no longer attracted to him’ or ‘in love with him’ I don’t feel that this is realistic as it feels fearful and riddled with panic. When I am criticising, again I don’t feel like it’s real becuase it feels nasty and just irrational.

So today I am still sick and back in the office. I see the hot straight coworker, or see people on social media and panic ‘is it normal to look at these people’. Or ‘maybe the UK will provide better work opportunities and I should leave Spain’. Which got me thinking about tyhe origins of my anxious nature. I couldn’t help wonder, when I was younger, my Mother constantly changed jobs, as well as moved me twice in different schools and houses. There was always an argument with someone be it neighbours or family (usually both) and nothing was ever stable. I suppose I learned that the way out was to move away. I think that now I am in a stable healthy relationship, a NORMAL relationship, it’s like I am grieving. Perhaps my whole life I waited for this kind of love, but my brain was so wired that this kind of love and stability will cause hurt, so we look to external sources like the hot man at the office, or the people online who have it so together etc, changing country, university, job…CHANGE that’s the origin. So the deepening of the relationship frightens me. I had myself so convinced that we ‘didn’t kiss good enough’ that everytime he kissed me yesterday I flinched beforehand, but every time we kissed I felt fine. I think I am uncovering origins.

Another thing I worry about is finances.

So I am interviewing for a job that will pay less than my current but potentially is more in line with where I want to take future studies etc. Basically my current employer pays badly too, and the job is quite boring. The new one pays less but should give me more appropriate experience.

Obviously this is something that has come up at home, and he believes the other job if it will make me happier it is worth the pay cut because happiness is more important. Then we discussed salaries and I realised that he earns as little as the new job and I feel nervous. I feel scared about money, like maybe I need someone who earns more, but then think well money can’t build a happy relationship. We are not homeless and live off what we have, so that’s the critic again? Or projection? Or is it black and white, pass or fail thinking, taking someone at the financial level instead of level of the soul? So annoying when this stuff happens.

Hi Anita,

Sorry for the delay. To add to my low mood, I had a stomach bug all night and have not been very well. The bonus of that is that there has been less relationship anxiety as my body has worried about the physical symptoms of sickness.

I think I do understand. This would mean the flinch signals the relationship anxiety, but the origins of this flinch are rooted in the past, rather than the relationship itself. I am seeing my therapist on Monday, and can suggest that I have ben thinking to try psychotherapy again.

I really want to keep working towards improving, at least to feel less panicked. I went on a date with a guy more than 5 years ago, t was the second guy I had ever dated. We kind of kept in contact over the years, but the dates were always a bit strange, and a bit immature I suppose. I was always very nervous saying I was bisexual and didn’t know what I wanted, and he would say he was ‘playing the game too.’ I wasn’t playing games.

Fast forward 5 years and I see him constantly posting on social media about his work (he works a lot in the LGBT community) and often with his boyfriend (who I find myself criticising). This morning as I lie in bed feeling sick I have seen some more of their posts and it makes me feel bad. One I feel bad for criticising their image. Two I feel bad because I try and work out if they are ‘better looking’. Three I felt bad because for a split second I thought he may be ‘more manly’ than my partner, who actually today I really wish would come home because I feel quite sick and emotional.

Are these normal things in life? Why do we compare and put down…

Derek