Anita,

I must apologise, I don’t appear to have seen this message nor did I respond.

I am doing ok, not great and have entered another episode but am doing all I can to take time, breathe and ride the wave of anxiety.

They are all just thoughts afterall.

The last few months had been quite good, we even rescued a dog. It’s a lot of work but we love him. I also have been reconnecting with my Mother which has probably opened a whole load of old wounds for which now I actually feel a bit depressed since about 2 weeks ago maybe 3.

I will continue to try and heal,

Thank you for writing.

That is very true.

So thought patterns must be learned or at least associated with past experiences.

I do wonder why they come up though, about attraction that is, but I guess that I am so so self critical he is like my mirror image.

Weirdly I feel like I am opening up. Like I have an excited feeling that he is coming to collect me and that we are going to the beach, but I guess my mother is there nagging away so it rains on my parade.

for example, I am worried I will flinch when I see him when he picks me up. But I guess flinching is just another way of fear showing up rather than a catastrophic hidden meaning to break up. I also remembered today how my Father was supposed to pick us up every Saturday or Sunday depending and he was almost always late, or didn’t show, never called in advance and wasn’t allowed in the house. Can’t help but wonder if I associated being picked up by a loved one as painful, and now I have real pure love that my brain is still wired in that way.

Dear Anita,

You mean you have recommended people end relationships? That’s an interesting insight.

Someone just asked me to take a photo of them and the front camera was on and I think the positive attitude helped above because I actually thought ‘Hey you don’t look that bad, quite attractive’

Then the intrusive came ‘You look better than him, you can do better, maybe you need someone more attractive’.

And I am just sitting here not panicking, trying to just stand up to fear and say hey I don’t need thoughts like that.

Yes – that’s a good idea.

I will try my best. Now fear tries to convince me that I don’t mean that. But I’m smiling. We are going to the beach in 2 hours – how amazing that we can even say that. His family are coming for dinner this Sunday – how lucky we are to be able to enjoy that. He built a beautiful display for the new plants and flowers we bought for our terrace – I never thought I could ever ever have said that. How creative, thoughtful and intelligent.

Take all of that fear.

Hi Anita,

Yes – that is what I am trying. Fear is very very convincing.

I am at the point where fear says ‘it’s gone on so long it must be true’ and then I think if I can stay in the present and not run away into future or past worries then I will be ok.

Panic and obsessive thoughts, I will confront them. In fact later we will go to the beach and I will relax. With my book, my diary and him. All will be ok.

Whatever happens I will find a way to be ok.

Hi Anita,

Like a wave that passed, the break up no longer feels imminent. In fact, I felt more at ease and relaxed and think that I am calming down. I don’t really know what to do because I feel like these anxious spikes are becoming very difficult.

However, there was one difference yesterday – I wasn’t bored. In my current job I am bored and not intellectually stimulated and that is when I have time to ruminate. Today I am bored again, but feel more capable to stand up and accept the intrusive thoughts so ´maybe he is not the one, and maybe this is telling me to move on’ is being answered back with ‘or maybe that is the past rearing it’s head and asking you to heal it. You grew up in an unstable and unhealthy environment and you are recreating this in your anxious state, but really you will be come more acquainted to real life and what’s more ordinary life.’

It’s curious how it works – I really do appreciate your advice and spiked reading this, but in a weird way it’s encouraging me to remember why I won’t break up and why I need to keep strong and calm. No googling. No nothing.

Of course I spoke with him, I spoke with him and hugged him. I hugged him hard because that was how I felt I could connect more. As always, he was supportive and understanding.

But of course, I am still wondering.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for that. I will definitely try and take more heavenly breaks.

I am doing my best today. It has been on my brain a bit – and for some reason I just saw some old photos of him on social media and I heard a voice:

‘You would just never be attracted to him, you’re just not’

Then I saw a different one and wanted to burst into tears because all I could think was:

‘I love him so much’.

I’m beginning to wonder if maybe it’s all true and I have been blind all this time. So tempted to google about what I am experiencing but fighting myself not to.

I hope you enjoy the break.

derek

Hi Anita,

Hope this message finds you well.

I got to a psychotherapist this week. It was helpful, definitely can see how I catastrophize and how my internal dialogue can be very very ongoing.

Im feeling a bit weird today and yesterday at home.

I’ve had a very positive week:

wednesday: we went to a concert. I felt v in love and secure in life. I told him. The little things he does that maybe annoy me didn’t annoy so much. I was worried about having photos together. In case we don’t look good. I took photos so as not to feed the anxiety. Then I criticised myself and in a roundabout way him (he’s not attractive “enough”)

thursday: I got a job offer and accepted. Was very happy and couldn’t wait to get home to celebrate with him. I also finished my language course so went out with my friends after receiving our final grades. I had some alcohol, not a lot, but I did notice I wasn’t stopping so I forced myself to leave early to be careful.

Friday: nervous to tell my job about the fact I was quitting. Met him for a coffee. Was worried about attraction…do I fancy him “enough”. Friday night however we went to the cinema and I felt calmer and clearer and in the street had to stop to tell him I thought he was very handsome.

During the day he told me he was worried about his weight and I just had to tell him I don’t care if he puts weight on, I love him the same (weight issues do trigger me but i don’t want him to feel worse about a fact that can happen to anyone).

Saturday: When he came home from work I was very happy to see him. Then something changed. same doubts about attraction. I had bought new clothes and enjoyed trying them on to show him. In the evening as soon as we left the house I felt calm. We went to the beach to watch a live concert (even though my anxiety says he never finds music events…) and on the beach I felt so calm I kissed him and told him I loved him and he looked so handsome.

Sunday: back to very nervous feelings and particularly think that he maybe is too skinny because now I seem to find muscly and straight men attractive.  He went shopping and when he came home wanted to try on for me. So he did, and he looked great but I’m worried because even though he looked good I felt that there was something missing. And it makes me sad.

I shojld add that this this morning (Sunday) I woke earlier and when he was waking I ran to see him. I told him all the qualities I loved about him and felt so happy. Now I’m back to where I was being grumpy and unsure.

I’m even asking fear to show me what it’s afraid of. I’m asking myself the tough questions “Do you think you’re not attracted anymore?” “Would you think it’s better for you to break up?” But those questions don’t even feel like a reality.

Feeling confused and would appreciate some advice.