Dear Tee, Dear Anita,

Anita, you wrote „what comes to my mind as I read what I quoted here is that your parents did not enjoy taking care of you and preferred to do something else, something other than attending to you, and therefore, you felt lost in the family, forgotten and forgettable“ – What you wrote might be true for one half of my parents (my father) but my mum definitely always had time or made time for me and enjoyed spending time with me. It was hard and still is for her to give emotional support or talk about problems. Those are ignored and not talked about in our family. So I cannot say I felt lost or forgotten by my family but I remember that sometimes plans were made to do stuff as a family (going to the swimming pool etc.) – so disappointment comes to mind when I think about those occasions.

I really meant that I was confused that grownups would do dishes, get up early to go to work do sports they didn’t enjoy when they could do (in my childish mind) everything they wanted to, why would they chose this? It could come from my parents complaining about everything, making every little task sounding like a marathon, I don’t know.

Tee, you wrote „Alright, so if I understood you right, you also judge your parents for being slackers/non-achievers?“ – yes exactly. I mean my dad sits literally at home for over 10 years after losing his job and going into pension – doing almost nothing besides eating and maybe reading and watching television. That always makes me so upset and angry even how one can just waste his life away like this. But who am I to judge, sitting at home in the evening, eating and watching netflix…

„If you were to achieve something special, you feel you would be better than your parents, who are slackers/non-
achievers/boring/lost in the crowd?“ – I

– I would, in deed. Because I would have proven to myself that I am different.

„If so, it could be that you didn’t have too much excitement in your childhood, that you didn’t get much stimulation from your parents (in terms of playing games, doing fun things together), and so you felt bored……. and also boring, because they didn’t encourage you to show your
brilliance, your gifts and talents?“

-This supports what I wrote to Anita in response. There was definitely a lack of stimulation, I was a clever and creative child and I guess I needed extra input. I remember wanting to go to soccer training when I was 6 and my dad halfheartedly tried to took me to some training location (probably to show me that they don’t train girls). I think he never tried to enroll me or so. Just years later I found out that girls were also trained in the small town where I lived. Another example comes to mind when I was 10 and wanted to take dance lessons. My mum enrolled me and went with me to the first lesson but we were at the wrong gym so I never had a first lesson. We never tried to go there again afterwards. It just stings when I think of this missed opportunities and when I think of other children or friends who were encouraged by their parents to follow their passion and were actually helped. I couldn’t even try to find my passion. It felt impossible.

So, that that. I don’t think I have anything more to add, I just hope I do better for my kids.

Julia

Dear Anita,

I did daydream about being creative and famous but mostly just about being loved/in love or well liked by others etc. Fame even disturbed me in my dreams, it is not something I ever wanted for myself. But still my dreams were more exciting than real life, it’s true.

And now life is just life. It is not necessarily boring but just bland. I never invisioned myself having children and staying one place barely getting new experience/see new places but that is how life ended up for me. Don’t get me wrong, I like my life as it is, I probably couldn’t have dreamt it any better. I just wasn’t ready to be a mum and not me anymore. I was planing to study abroad for one year, I just met a nice man and then I got pregnant. Again, this is nothing I regret, I made my choices deliberate. And I wasn’t more happier or content back then. I just tried to get new experience so somthing extraordenary acutally would hapen in my life. Well, it kind of did but different than I envisioned.

So overall I cannot say that my childhood expectations were too. There weren’t any expectations. If anything than my daydreaming prevented my from actually envision a future for me, which I would enjoy etc. I slowly getting there now but as I described earlier, I lack the commitment of doing more (what I would need to get into a good position).

Julia

Dear Anita,

thank you for you reply.

You wrote:

“are your ways to deal with anxiety at nights when you are not busy with, or distracted by your kids and husband: you remove your focus from the unpleasant experience of anxiety to the pleasure”

I can partially agree but this behaviours also show during the day time (when I’m alone), sometimes to “reward” myself even which is absurd because I just don’t enjoy this behaviour aka eating too much sweets, binge watching etc. anymore…But I thought about what brings me to starting going down the path again and again and like you described it probably falls back to anxiety – of being alone (with my thoughts?).

You asked:

“Did you have past successful experiences with changing habits?”

I did but it always came with an abrupt and complete stop of doing something: like the occasional over drinking, the use of social media or some time in the past I even had an addictive and unhealthy habit of meeting strangers from a dating platform i overall did not enjoy but I could not control myself (I was looking for a partner back then) so I cancelled my accounts all together to stop. Also I had an excessive habit of daydreaming – I’m talking about hours over hours going to waste. It all stopped when I met my husband. These nights now and then I’m also finding myself coming back to this routine…

So it was all in all rather stopping habit than changing. I find it quite hard to stick to a new and better routine (I guess I’m not the only one).

Julia