Gosh, out of all of the words of encouragement I have received from friends and family, talking to myself and writing everything down, i came across these posts today and every single story has struck a chord with me. This is exactly what i needed to read to snap myself out of it!!
Less than a week ago I moved out of our home – i had been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I have a daughter who is 13 (but she is not his – although he has taken her on as his own since we have been together). I have left him 4 times in the past, where i have moved out – the longest of which lasted 3 months, and it was when he was physically abusive. Since that incident, 3 years ago, he has never lifted a finger to me again but it something that constantly stays in the back of my mind.
When i met him i was the most outgoing bubbly person in the world, confident and happy. I was successful in my career and received many accolades – he was all too happy for me as I was his trophy “wife” – someone he could brag about and show off, but he resented the hours that i worked and after a while i decided that i didn’t want to be working full days, nights, weekends and travel the amount that i did. I had toyed with the idea of starting up my own company and he encouraged me to go ahead with it. I effectively opened my own recruitment company, but it took a 6 months before i was making any profit. In the interim he paid all of the bills and kept the family going.
He also owns a recruitment agency and we basically compete against each other as we handle the same type of recruitment – this may sound like it couldn’t possibly work – but it does – we have different clients and as much as we compete we also help each other – i.e i can use candidates that he doesn’t use and visa versa.
Unfortunately the past two years have been very difficult financially and it has put a lot of strain on our relationship. At the beginning of this year I sold my car as we needed to pay rent which was in arrears and when we discussed it – mine was the older of the cars, his was still under motor plan etc and i had ultimately made the decision to sell mine. We agreed that we could get by with 1 car, as we both work from home and do minimal traveling.
At the beginning of the year he got shingles and then encephalitis and he really was very sick. I basically took over everything, being mom, wife, his business, my business, the day to day running of everything in the household but as when you have too much on your plate things start slipping through the cracks, and i was battling for us to keep our heads above water. He had 3 quad bikes and a normal road bike which he sold. The reason i bring this up as it is one of the things that constantly gets thrown up in my face, his rationale is i sold 3 items of my property to help pay with bills but you only sold your car – by me selling my car i effectively gave up my freedom and my independence. Because i was using his car it was case of me having to say “Please can I use your car” or can i go to so and so – inevitably I would go wherever and pretty much as soon as i arrived he would phone me, saying what time do you think you will be back, leaving me feeling like i had to rush back.
Although he professes not to be jealous or insecure – he very much is, and there is constant projection onto me, always blaming me and my insecurities – that is all i have heard for the last 7 years. Every single fight we have had boils down to him blaming me and my insecurities, i constantly have everything he has done for me thrown up in my face – during the course of our relationship he has bought all of the tangible stuff, furniture etc – I have paid the rental, our maid, bought groceries and paid for the intangible stuff. So as it stands i have walked out with nothing other than my clothes and a few odds and ends, as well as not having a car. I’m 35 and living at home again, literally starting from scratch.
He also drinks a lot, i believe that he is an alcoholic, but the way he justifies it is that he only drinks cider and that he doesn’t start drinking early in the morning – its only evenings – my issue is that the norm is between 8-12 ciders. He goes from being happy to delusional in matter of hours. Between drink 3-5 i can have a conversation with him, after that i never know what i am going to get – he will take something that i say out of context and go off on a tangent or i will be told the same story over and over again. He will flip from “I love you” to “When you get your new boyfriend…” in a matter of seconds. He used to drink every night but after the incident when he hit me and i left he was only drinking every second day and on weekends.(That was his compromise)
Leaving him has been a culmination of factors, his drinking being one of them, sleeping next to someone who constantly reeks of booze, constantly being criticised for everything that i do – if anyone has done something – he has done it better, if you have this – he has something bigger and better. I can put the washing machine on a cycle and no matter what it is, he will walk in and change the setting even though it the exact setting that he used the day before.
Before i left, i tried explaining things to him, he simply take snippets out of what i am saying twists it and won’t actually listen to anything that i am saying – constantly shouting over me.
We used to have really explosive fights in the beginning, but i wasn’t keeping quiet – my Dad then passed away and i realised i couldn’t sweat the small stuff anymore and let a lot of things slide, but i have now become this almost subservient person not saying anything when it upsets me.
My daughter has really always been a gem, she has excelled in school and sport but has recently gone to high school and has started to rebel, like piercing her ear without our knowledge, dating a boy much older than her behind our backs etc – He was away when she pierced her ear and when i found out about it and i had a good chat to her – partly because she needs to realise that she is in the wrong and know that it is not acceptable to do things behind my back but by the same time ensuring that she still comes to me to tell me what is going on, as we were all teenagers at some point and all did silly things like pierce another hole, when he found out he went ballistic – accusing me of taking her behind his back to do it, the more i was trying to say i have handled it the more cross he got. Then he escalated it to sending her a message about her BBM picture saying she “looked like a slut as per usual” – when i looked at the picture there was honestly nothing wrong with it and then because i said there was nothing wrong he had a go at me, saying that we are constantly ganging up on him.
I’ve just got to a point where i feel like I have completely lost myself, i don’t know what i like or dislike anymore.
But i have found that over the past few days I am missing him, i find myself trying to find out what he’s been doing and who he’s been with, constantly checking my phone etc – i know that every time I have left he does make small changes but inevitably it goes back to being the same, so ladies – thank you for making me see that it is an never ending circle and reaffirming that i need to carry on with my life and hopefully one day soon I’ll be able to meet someone who treats me like a lady, has respect for me and my feelings and will treat me as an equal.