anita, my problem though is that i’m so worried about something so far away from me so i have no real idea what the reality of it is. and still, i have no hobbies or drive to do anything (if i can’t do it great). and you already know what this whole thing is. i mean to give up on love is something i really don’t want to do. to not feel anything. cause if i don’t hold onto it, i really don’t know what would happen to me as far as certain things go.

hippiechick, i’ll do my best to relax i really will.

it actually went very well anita! i loved it! and even though i only spent half the day it was wonderful. it’s easy for me to get along with kids so it was a piece of cake in that sense, but i was so nervous at first. but all the kids were great and so sweet and smart. it actually made me feel like in some way i belong rather than feeling like i didn’t at all. and then after leaving all i could think about was me wanting to have kids or just wanting to be a kindergarten teacher so bad for sure and finally giving up the confusion of a major. and it was really really nice to see my kindergarten teacher again. she’s actually one of my favorite teachers that i’ve ever had.

just letting you know i finally fid that kindergarten thing anita.

anita –

i read over what you said. this is what i have to say. i don’t know which one of us is wrong, but you told me to look at the things in front of me and all i see is that i’m unlovable. or if i’m being shown or given love, it’s because it has to be done. no one loves me like my grandpa did. i don’t know if anyone ever will. my strong belief is that this one man is mine no matter what. through all the people we may go through, we belong to each other. it’s just something that i feel in my heart. something that i feel is real, but what i see, it doesn’t match up just yet. i believe that something will make sense. all of it will make sense eventually. i will still believe in god, no matter how i think he treats or sees me. he brought me here and i am learning to love and understand god. i believe in things bigger than us and i believe in destiny. i think the destiny i believe to have with this person is true, but i hope i’m not being a fool, lying to myself. saying all these things looking at myself in the mirror. i don’t know if i am open to believing that something other than me being unlovable is real. what i see in front of me doesn’t tell me that much. i know you tell me and i thank you for that. my family can tell me that but i won’t feel it like i felt it when my grandpa told me. and i hope i can feel that when me and this man get together. i hope it’s all not a silly dream. a fallacy. i hope this feeling i have that makes me say “this is real” is real. it’s funny how you can feel so big for someone you never met, but that’s soulmate i think. that’s destiny. that’s love. and i’m sticking to that belief. anything that keeps me alive or happy. anything that makes me feel alive or happy.

i am going to come back to this because i’m tutoring my cousin at the moment and don’t have much internet connection. but when and while i liked him he was already…occupied. and then he liked all these other girls. i felt like you said, unlovable. unable to be loved by him. and i felt that i just had to wait till he was done with all those people so i could be considered. sure i had about 3 crushes in the midst of it all, but i was still waiting and confused. i wasn’t as smart as i am now. maybe i’m still stupid. but i felt like i had to find someone else because he had all these other people in his face and i wasn’t doing a good enough job to shine like they did.

but what about if you try as much as you can to try and get this person’s attention but there’s just a block? like you can’t get through to them? like you can say hi to someone over and over or do a million backflips to get their attention, but will anything happen to you from them? should we just be happy with even getting a glare? should we just be thankful that we even have that even though we want more?

okay i see your point now. the only thing i don’t understand is the more uncertain things. the things where you have to wait for an answer or pry it out. that’s the only thing that still doesn’t make sense.

don’t you think even the things that are right in front of us can be confusing? cause we don’t usually see everything. there must be something else we should be seeing i think. or sometimes we can be too slow to understand what we are seeing.

maybe i could start writing notes to myself? pretty cliché, but i usually write so maybe i can do that too as an exercise.

what do you think about coincidences anita? seeing a lot of the same thing. everywhere?