you too anita, take care!

i never figured out how i feel or how to feel. i just feel like giving up. i feel like giving up on myself. i mean i really probably am a fool to think that he would like me better than someone that’s prettier or skinnier than me. and i’m not white so i’m out of the equation most likely. i just feel ugly and worthless. and i want to die. i’m tired of people talking about how there’s other people in the world. i only want this one person. why does god want me to settle less than what i want? what i truly want? this is just all so dumb. for me to think someone would actually give a fuck about me. and to think that i could get anything in return for putting my whole heart out for someone. i don’t get anything. all the things i see and all the things i end up thinking about. i don’t get it but it’s making me upset that i can’t get an answer from anybody. or to get an answer you have to pay for it. to pay for a probable lie. i don’t see how i could be worth anything for this person. i don’t see how they would like me more than they could like someone else. i just want this all to be done with. my life. i just want it to be done with. i’m tired of it all. no one can help me. no one can tell me the truth. no one can tell me if my imagination can become reality or if the things i think are my destiny. i’m tired of myself. i just want to go away. i made a fucking fool of myself and he doesn’t even get it or care probably. i just can’t bear to face the fact that i’m a fucking idiot.

anita if you don’t mind, i’m thinking of staying off for a few days. just to get my thoughts together. i really don’t know how well i feel. i know that me saying hi and his answer wasn’t gonna be the trigger to a proposal. i just don’t feel all too good and i need to figure out what i’m going to do with my life. i just need to think about a few things or just feel them out i guess. but i’m not too good at that as you know. i’m just not in the best mood and i’ll be back maybe a week from now tops. maybe imll only be gone a day or maybe by tomorrow morning i’ll feel okay, but i honestly don’t feel good and i need to just…understand things.

well he opened the message but didnt answer lmfaoo!!! well, too bad i guess idk. whatever.

thank you anita, and i didn’t mean you, but you know how when you search these topics and then go on people’s blogs and see what they say or even with books published they say all these things like “never ever think negative or xyz blah blah blah will never happen for you”. i totally HATE that. all it does is give anxiety, like you gotta be on your toes forever. for life. and then you go ahead and do what they say and you get the total opposite of what you actually wanted out of the universe. now i take it sometimes as “well maybe god saved my ass. he said no to wanted and maybe that’s a really REALLY good thing.” but with this one person that i keep talking about, the main thing is i don’t want to mess this up at all. i’m only 19 and i know that, but i don’t feel like i have time. i don’t have time to wait till i’m however old to get married or whatever. i just don’t. i don’t feel i’m supposed to be here long. not always. and after this person, i give up on love. if they turn out to hurt me or not want me i won’t have anything else i’d be looking forward to. i just won’t care about love anymore. for some reason though i can’t get off him at all. it really annoys me how much i think about him, but it’s not the fact that i’m thinking about him. that’s not the problem. the problem is that i’m trying hard not to EVER think or suppose a bad thing between us will EVER happen. that’d my main problem and i don’t know what to do to help it. i like him A LOT. and i know all i talk about is him and i’m sorry if you’re sick of it. i understand, but it’s something that’s taking me over and i don’t know if i’m setting myself up for another heartbreak or not. that’s what i’m afraid of. to be heartbroken by him. him out of all people.

i think i’ll have to read the intuition part over agin just to kind of discern for myself how i feel when i think of things and then i’ll let you know, but for the worthy: but who are we worthy for? if no one or most people won’t love us, who are we worthy for? why can’t we ever be worthy for the people we like very much?

anita please understand that i don’t think you lied to me, everytime you talk to me i feel how truthful and honest and caring you are. i didn’t want you to think that i thought you ever lied to me. i know that you would never lie to me for sure.

i’m just seeing this anita and i’ll definitely love to continue the assignments i think it would be very helpful for me.

i’m too nervous for acting class i think but i think that’ll probably come a whole nother time from now haha!