anita –

that’s so cool! how was culver city? i was thinking of moving there the most since it’s pretty much right in the middle of venice beach & hollywood

al –

you make some really good points – like if i had all knowledge of what my life would be, how would that be fun or exciting? then i probably wouldn’t enjoy my life so much or want more and more. and with flow, society really does make everything whiz by, but my own flow, i feel is not even flowing. i don’t even feel that i have control over it. i feel like god is making me wait for things to happen and i don’t want to go against that because then i’ll feel like i’m doing something wrong. like i’m not obeying. i’m not so sure how to explain it. it’s a very weird feeling. as if i’m a tool. as if i have to live a certain life besides a life i’d like to live.

(i felt your grammar was perfect by the way!)

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Wisdom.

i actually got invited to my kindefgarten teacher’s class so i can see what she does and we can talk about the profession it’s self. i’m planning on going next week.

and i figured the same about money – it’ll only be me that i’ll have to support so all i need is a modest pay, but i want to move (to california). moving on it’s own is big, but moving to california i think would be major. i already live in new york so i suppose price ranges would be the same? i’m not sure. but the whole figuring out how life works and paying bills thing, that would scare me to be so far away from home and get myself into trouble with all those finances and stuff.

i also don’t know whatelse i would want to do with my life (jobwise). i feel like a job is like 75% of your life and i would hate to spend that 75 being miserable at a job i really hate you know?

you’re very right anita. i actually have no idea of whatelse to say, i think i said most if not all my worries. just that validation that it’s okay and everything’s going to be okay and that nothing’s wrong with me, but just letting go of the anxiety of the what ifs is really hard. right now i’ll say that i’m pretty optimistic, but usually these kinds of things are fleeting for me.

you’re exactly right, anita. although i can’t speak for my parents, that’s vedy close to exactly how i’ve always felt about them. even now i feel my brother tends to get the most attention. usually out of everybody. i sort of envy him i guess. he has musical talents and i don’t really know if i do because i never explored, but my brother can come in contact with a piano and play a song he knows…WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO. and he seems to get off easier for things like getting a job and living a life. i guess cause i’m the oldest certain things are expected of me. but usually i feel like my parents keep telling me to do these kinds of things so they can say that i did it. like how some parents want their kids to be prestigious doctors. i’m just not that good at anything. as far as i know anyway. and i don’t really know what i want to do with my life, but i feel like i’m running out of time. i feel like i’ve wasted my whole life and it’s just getting close to that dead end where there’s no more time for me to make up my mind.

all my life i feel i’ve been trying to find that attention for other people, but for some reason people always push me away. i’ve gotten used to it. i don’t even expect friends anymore. not in real life or even the internet. i think that there’s something else that god wants me to do or look at. i know you said you don’t believe in destiny, but i really do. i think i’m destined to be alone. for now maybe. i think i have things to accomplish before anything else comes for me, but i have no idea what that can be. that hasn’t been answered for me just yet i think.

anita –

my home life is nothing too extravagant and nothing too horrific. everyone just keeps to themselves and there’s barely communication. i guess i don’t mind that part too much anymore because i’m kinda at the point where i just want to find myself and i think disconnecting from my family a bit would help. but i don’t have any friends so i barely have any communication at all. i honestly end up talking to either myself or the tv (habits i’m really trying to break). it’s pretty hard to talk to anyone without being dismissed or ignored. anyone in general.

my mother, i guess she’s supportive. sometimes i feel like i HAVE to go to school so i’m being put through it. we don’t get out the house much, but if we do, sometimes i’ll go food shopping with her.

i’m really just afraid of failing at life. i think i mentioned a bit about it before but i don’t remember. but i’m really afraid of not being able to support myself and i’m afraid of not being able to live the life i want or at least a stable life. i’m afraid that i’ll end up becoming nothing at all. i really don’t know where my life is headed and i have very little influence at the moment. no friends, so no one to bring any new ideas. i’m kinda just stuck in my own thought space. i sorta appreciate the time alone because it could be spent learning something new or reading, but usually all i end up doing is worrying and wasting time.

i’m glad i’m helping in some way possible and you’re definitely helping me. helping me to see balance even though it’s something i have to apply you know?

also, is there a thin line between letting god do work and then us on earth doing work? do you think that the butterfly effect is something that actually does change our lives drastically? i almost feel like there are things we shouldn’t do because it’ll change the whole set of everything that’s supposed for us. that might be a little silly, but it’s definitely something that worries me. and i don’t necessarily worry about bad things happening, but maybe things being delayed because i did this or that. just personal growth being tampered with because of something i’ve either done wrong or too soon.

or maybe i really am just not lovable. i’m not small and petite. i don’t really think i look or seem delicate and that makes me feel ugly. and i have ugly feet. i’d hate for someone i like to see my feet. it’s already pretty sucked up that they’re size 11s.

good morning anita –

i don’t practice any one religion, but i do believe in god. that he is here or there. i still have lots to learn spiritually and i know this kind of thing takes lots of time. at the moment i’d say i look at god as more of a friend than a mythical character because we’re supposed to build a relationship with him.

my parents seemed to be really nice to me. i feel like they tried to do the best they could. i’m the oldest. once they had my little brother i felt that he was the favorite. everyone’s favorite. my parents didn’t neccessarily neglect me, but i don’t feel a close connection with them. i think these problems came moreso from school and acquaintances. i never had any true friends i could hang out with and i never fit in. i used to get laughed at and talked about. i still do actually lol. it’s funny because people are so immature but i still can’t tell if these people really are better than me. whether i’m one step ahead of them or if they’re a million steps ahead of me. i always felt behind and i’ve always felt stupid but i don’t know where that feeling came from. and many things i feel i can’t share with other people because i feel like they’ll steal from me. like as if i can’t be myself without someone trying to leech me. it’s so bad now that i feel people know what i think and or are watching me. the only friend i ever had was my grandpa, but i knew him for a very short time and he passed away. it’s been hard to find any friends at all. everyone seems to just want to know answers to tests in school these days. an actual conversation is something i probably won’t get at school. i know this is a whole chunk of stuff but i think that it all might connect to something to make more sense of things.