it is exciting! i could never tell whether or not he would be the one to give me attention or affection. he was never mean to me, but i always feel pretty on and off. like i’ve always ended up doing somethinh for him to stop talking to me. i’m always myself with him, i don’t put on too many fronts besides being a teeny bit girlier than i usually am. i hope i get to meet him one day, i’d really really like that. so far all i do is try to get him to notice me outside of directly talking to him. that’s about as far as i can go. actually talking to him would make me way too nervous and afraid.

benzrabbit –

it’s actually very funny that you mentioned that book because that’s the EXACT book i came across the other day, yet i didn’t buy it over the shining by stephen king. i knew i should’ve gotten it but i have this massive obsession with the movie so i couldn’t resist getting the book haha! i actually have her app for symptom healing, but the closest mantras i have to what’s in the book is the one for apathy.

i hear you on how i should put in my own strength as well as god giving it to me, but i think i’m very very frantic and just as long as it may take to love myself and heal myself, it may take for me to acquire strength.

i also believe that god is not vengeful, although what i feel is happening (or not happening rather) for me is the opposite. i usually feel that maybe i have to do something in order for god to work with me. maybe that could be my own illusion.

god bless you too!

that makes a lot of sense – the what’s here now is all that’s here – i guess the dreams and hopes and expectations we all usually have make way for more anxiety in our lives, but i guess it also helps us keep hanging onto life too. i should probably read more on other religions and beliefs very soon i always get caught up in deciding what i should learn first.

and i never really looked at life that way (the part about innocent children). i’ve been taught that we choose our lives – not to say that innocent children or anyone with ailments deserves to die or be in pain etc. – but we chose certain things in order to learn and grow. but then how can you learn and grow when you choose a life cut so short? maybe just to come back into life and experience it again maybe. but that goes back into past lives which i remember you said you don’t believe in. it’s just really interesting the many ways life and spirituality can be looked at.

this is going off topic, but what would you say about relationships anita? there’s this person i want to talk to after not having so for almost a year now, but i’m afraid that maybe they won’t remember me or even care really. mainly because i like them. lately i’ve just been going by “if it was meant to be then they’ll come back”. i’ve never been in a relationship with them and we were never neccessarily the best of friends, but friendly. what would be the best thing to do about this? i feel pretty…i don’t want to say desperate but thinking about how often i think about them, that’s probably the only word that’ll fit. i’m also pretty scared that i’m probably not his type of girl. he always seems to like other girls.

i understand what you were saying before. sorry that i didn’t catch on too quick. this discussion about god doesnt bother me at all.

i suppose seeing things as they are in the now is better. i never really figured whether i was being impatient with god or just not able to recieve anything.

i’ll write more tomorrow.

i’m actually not so sure how to discern the voice of god. i usually feel like lots of things i make seem like they’re from god just because i am waiting on him to answer me. is there really a definitive way of knowing somethings truly from god? usually there’s a sure feeling, i’m sure, but i feel blocked emotionally and somewhat spiritually.

and i’m still trying to navigate the site, but so far the weather part seems really helpful! they show the weather in just about every city so that could be very helpful in the future. i’ll get used to how their site is set up though to actually get to know about everything haha!

i think it’s a little too personal anita. i was going to write it and then delete it after you read it, but i don’t think you can do that. not mobile anyway.

i think i just have a thing where no one can stay with me too long. either no one actually ever liked me or they have me around for their own benefit (like if people’s plans fall through, i’m the next to fill that void). but this was never the case with my grandpa. he actually loved me and i know it for sure. i guess there’s just something about me that won’t let me keep people around. something beyond the physical world i think.

just to add: maybe since i look at god as a friend (because lots of people say that god is our friend), i see him as i see how people that would be my friend would treat me. maybe i feel like god is supposed to be by my side because he is god, but he’s maybe testing me or playing around with me. i’m not so sure.

i think an apartment would work best for me. i think rooming with other people would be kind of unnerving. i guess the communication part of it haha. i’m not used to it so much.

and i do feel like a pawn, but i also feel like god’s keeping me from whatever may be good as well. like if i cross the line or if i make a wrong move it’ll be taken away from me. i like to believe that maybe there’s something good for me, but if i mess something up, then i won’t be allowed to have it. this thing, i really don’t know what it is. i guess it must be that good if god’s hiding it haha! but outside of that, i really do feel like a pawn. like i’m an example to others of “don’t be like this. live a better life. you’re better than her”.