Dear Anita,

Well his mom sure did so I really think he did too. He wanted me more than his mom and for a lot of that I was willing and able. Down side was when stuff started building up between my wife and I, he suffered as well as I was too busy pursuing her, and in turn then he would also pursue her and you can imagine the stress she felt. Putting him above all was my biggest struggle with having a child in my life. I think a lot of men could say the same, not that that makes it any better…

 I can’t disagree that most parents could do better but they are only as good as they are within themselves, and without their own growth then no, they do the best they can at that moment. We can sit and say that’s so negative and bad for the child but I think that takes away their power. But yes it really doesn’t have to be that way, you’re right and it is sad. I was harmed and have struggled with my past for many years, but I also own it. It’ll never be perfect. I do think generationally it does get better, but as individuals we have to see that change is needed within and actually do something about it.

I was never threatening towards him, no. I was worried about being my dad in that way with him but I was successful in not going there. The more time they spent together the more time I just did my own thing. (Put myself on the outside…)

This experience has been tremendous for me. Both being married to the most loving and caring women I’ve ever know, being a step dad to a really great lil man and separated from them both. Obviously I hit an all time low and to my own demise, its been my path to have to fall on my face before I really see things they way they are. I say eye opening cause I was previously doing a lot of work prior to meeting my wife, and through this have learned that our self growth and work at least for me, never really ends. When I’m reading or going to counseling, and being conscience about what I really want to change I’m more centered, it feels better, being consistent feels better. When we were together and I went to counseling it became all about what WE were going through instead of what I was bringing to the table or not. So through my wife’s difficult decision to say enough is enough. I’ve taken this the opportunity to reach out again, talk about this openly with everyone that will listen, started counseling again, started reading a lot more, even started journaling again and that’s been years. My current focuses are letting go, empathy, selflessness and remaining centered.

Regardless of the outcome of all of this, I need to do this work consistently and forgot that. Neither of us is in a hurry to get divorced as I’ve said before and I feel if my own work can save this marriage and she chooses to give me/us another chance then I’ll take it. If not I’m no worse off then I am right now and at least I’ll know in my heart that I did everything I could. I’m learning to trust & love myself and the universe and what’s meant to be, will be.

Love,

Justin

Dear Anita,

I agree that is black and white. There was all those things yes, the good and the bad. I struggled with putting the child first a lot but that doesn’t mean I didn’t and didn’t form a bond with him. I was a great role model in a lot of ways I just never recognized that within myself. And amongst my wife and I’s issues in our own relationship, is why its come to this.

I say toxic streak as yes I’m selfish and struggle with empathy and being wrong and remaining calm sometimes. But to think how far I’ve come in my 40 years is amazing! My parents did the best they could just as any parent does. Just as my wife is doing now. But every parent screws their kid up in some way shape or form, that’s life. I’m not saying we should have just kept living together, I agree with the separation. All I’m saying is its really been eye opening and made me think a lot. And its given me focus on what I’d like to concentrate my energy on next. Its just sad and I regret that I forgot to look within sooner…

What we are doing now is the best we can for all of us. Taking care of ourselves and growing. I have no expectations other than of myself. I know we have the love still, she told me she will always long for me. We just need a break from it all I guess.

Love,

Justin

Dear Anita,

I agree, I do think she made an informed and wise decision. And believe me, I’m not begging her to change her mind. I just don’t think it’s so black and white though. We currently have all the space in the world to start healing and moving forward. I’m just doing what should have been done to begin with. All we can control is ourselves right? In turn if she changed her mind through my growth and her own then we could revisit it in the future I think. Neither of us is rushing for a divorce and that speaks volumes to me, I think her decision took an immense amount of courage and really through my non movement I left her no other choice.

Our lives are very much still intertwined though, we shared a home together, a child! I know some relation will have to exist be it long or short term, I don’t know. I do know in my heart though I can’t just walk away from that kid, we have a close bond, more so than he has with his bio dad and through this I’ve realized that all the more. So really I haven’t just failed one person but 2 and don’t you think that in and of its self is worth fighting for? I sure do.

Who knows what the future holds, I’m just trying to remain positive and not so black and white as that hasn’t served me very well at all in the past.

Love,

Justin