Dear phoenixlight:

First, I’d like to commend you on how much you have been through and are still going strong. Please remember that you are a survivor and thriver! You have a lot to offer this world.

It’s understandable that you keep your guard up and keep people at arm’s length. You’ve experienced a lot of “loss” in a relatively short amount of time. I myself am dealing with the first “loss” of a loved one recently, and it’s been very hard for me. I can’t imagine my Mom passing away and then my ex-fiance, etc. That is a lot to go through. Grief has no timeline – it is unique to each of us. Be easier on and kinder to yourself.

A good therapist is always helpful. But, I also believe in being proactive and not depending entirely on a therapist. You can read articles, books, watch YoutTube videos about giving and receiving love. Especially to yourself. Have you sought therapy due to the sexual abuse? That is also something I can relate to – I think I have gone through a significant amount of healing but before I was able to tell more people (professional therapists about it), I did have a wall up for years. In a way, I tell myself that wasn’t such a bad thing, because I didn’t engage in sex until later than my peers.

I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds like you have some abandonment issues. It seems like you have to remind yourself that whatever happens, whether you meet someone and they “leave,” you will be ok. People come and go in our lives. I’d like to believe they are present to either teach us something and vice versa. However long they stay is not within our control. So, as long as we come from a good place, the time we spend with those people will be mutually enriching.

The fact that you acknowledge you may or may not be in control when people get too close is a good thing. Now that you aware of that, you can take the steps to alleviate the anxiety when you feel like you aren’t in control. It’s important to have a strong sense of self. And, sometimes that is what being alone is exactly for. When you know yourself, love yourself, and feel confident in your self (including the light and shadow sides), you will feel like you are in more control.
Then again, always being “in control,” can be unhealthy. We cannot control everything. You mentioned you were a lecturer. You can control the information and knowledge you impart on your students. But, you can’t control how much of that knowledge and information will be retained by each student. Of course, you can hold office hours and further explain the subject matter. But, in the end – it is up to each student to do their part. Maybe it would be helpful to consider that perspective in other aspects of your life.

Considering you’re on this website, I would also suggest reading up more on Buddhism and its teachings about going with the flow and surrendering.

Namaste.