Anita,

That would probably be extremely helpful. I was told by one that he wanted to focus on his career and didn’t want a relationship anymore, another that I was “too persistent” in getting to know him and spend time with him, and another was “too busy” with grad school work.

I see what you are saying.

Do you think that the fact that I have to dance around his feelings and be excessively kind and understanding is a sign that this is not healthy? I fear him walking away and never coming back if I blatantly say things that he does wrong. I have had to chase him down the street and beg him to come back after he stormed out of my house after confronting him abut how it bothers me when he doesn’t answer my texts or communicate with me. He said we have had this fight three times and he’s not going to keep doing this. I have to emphasize how much I trust him and I do not fear him being with other people and I do not get jealous. I just sincerely miss him and want him to ask me how I’m doing, to show some sign that he cares.

I’m not sure if my anxiety is screaming extra loud to me because of how much I love him, or if he is truly not trying hard enough. To feel something isn’t right because of texting seems so silly. However it hurts that I have told him it upsets me and he can’t seem to make the small sacrifice I am asking for

Anita,
Thank your for responding.
In the past I have made the mistake of approaching people in the way that comes off as an attack. “You’re doing x,y, and z wrong”, “You need to change your ways” ,etc. etc.

I have tried being gentle and cautious by using phrases, for example, “I understand where you are coming from”, “This is not an attack”, “I’m not mad”, “I accept you for who you are”, “I don’t want to argue, I just want to have a discussion”. And using a calm and assuring voice. Even through body gestures I try to assure that this a safe place to speak: I make eye contact to show I am listening, will rub his arm to show I care, and such. Normally, it isn’t enough and he will shut down and say “this is how I am, I will never be good enough for you.”

When he was going through a rough patch and ignored me for 4 days straight (he says he tends to lash out on the wrong people so instead just shuts everything out), I have told him “I am here for you”, “I care about you so much”, “What can I do for you?” “I want to make this work for us” I have cooked him dinner, sent him inspiring articles when he’s sad, brought him medicine when he was sick, worked with him through his assignments when he was stressed, put on his favorite movie, all to lighten his load and make him feel happy. To be honest, I’m not convinced at this point that he would do the same for me. Strangely enough, I feel like I need him more than he needs me.

It is extremely important for me to say how I feel because I am feeling unhappy and I feel hopeful it could be easily fixed if he would communicate with me more often. I want others to know that I feel comfortable communicating with him so that THEY can feel comfortable communicating with me as well. The more I hold in my feelings, the worse I feel. If I push my feelings aside, they just come pushing back. Communication is the only way for me to prevent that from happening.

Hope this clarifies.