Hi RoxySue,

I read your post again, to make sure I was giving your fair advice. This is what struck me, what you wrote. He does not want a committed relationship, and he does not want one in the future.

yet he does not want a committed relationship (i.e., accountability to another person and opening his heart) and while he says he may see one in the future, he does not know when and if that will happen. He has self-described walls up

You said he has walls up. If a man truly is in love and wanted a relationship, no walls, and there be some talk about a future together..something. This is just my opinion. x

Hi Guarav,

If she is sad, and wants to talk, and you feel you are strong enough to talk about that without developing Re-occuring feelings for her, than I feel it would be okay to talk to her. However, you have to put yourself first and right now you are still very attached to her, so you have to be very careful how you approach talking to her about all this. If you are feeling guilty, and feel you are able to talk to her, talk to her, but don’t let it go on for a long period of time. Try to be objective and separate what she is sad about from re-developing feelings from her. What are your thoughts? You want to get over her, and I feel like continuing contact with her will only make it harder for you. But since an abortion is involved, and she needs to talk about it, and you feel you can remain objective, then by all means, talk to her. If that will help lessen your guilt. Just remember, you want to get over her, and keep your communications casual and limited.

Dear E.

I’m glad he is in therapy, but I still fear for your safety. I feel that some type of distance and separation should be involved while he is undergoing treatment. He did not learn this behavior overnight, and it will take a long time for his recovery. This includes conflict resolution skills, anger management in addition to therapy. I am also curious as to why domestic violence charges and “no contact” were not given..or were the police called when this happened.

I see a very long process in his recovery and treatment, and I don’t think you both should be living together until he is fully recovered and healed, and this will take a long time. I have never heard of a human being charging at someone biting them in the face. It gives me the shakes, like he is some wild animal. This should not be tolerated, until he has completed anger management, and many other treatment programs. x

Hi Reve,

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, it hurts, I know. My first love cheated on me twice. I guess what they say is true, once a cheater, always a cheater. I was devasted. We were engaged. Like you, however, I was very young, only 19, and not ready for all the responsibilities, and to cope with the conflicts of a relationship. It was doomed from the start. What’s worse, it took years for me to get over the pain of losing him. He has gotten married, has kids with her, it was an unhappy marriage he said, and he came over out of the blue one day and told me he wanted to see if “we could get the old spark back, that he still cared for me, and missed me”. I told him to leave. I will not put up with a man, who lies, cheats, and who I can not trust, and neither should you.

The first step, to gaining self-esteem and confidence is to leave the relationship. You are loveable, but you must love yourself first before someone will respect and love you. I know it will be very difficult, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more miserable you will become.

After you end things. Be single for awhile. You don’t need a man to make you happy. To things for you. Take classes, do some volunteer work, try something new, join a book club, join the YMCA. It is when we are happy with our lives and ourselves, that we start attracting good things in our lives, including relationships. When you do meet another man, get to know him first. Be his friend. Don’t start off quickly. You have to build a foundation of friendship otherwise, the relationship will not survive. When you start pursuing hobbies, and enjoying being single, that is how you regain self-love, esteem and confidence. x

Hi Guarav,

She cried, because she most likely loved you..and she was very sad. However, her parents came first unfortunately. You did nothing wrong. But in the future, just take it as a red flag, when someone talks about their parents being against something.

Hi E.

I have been in a situation very similar to yours. Many times. Now, I will never live with a man before marriage again. It always starts off amazing. Romantic. Exciting. Intense. For the first three months..we fall very much in love..I am taken on these very romantic weekend trips, “surprise getaways” flowers or roses are sent to me when I was working. Gifts were given to me. We would make candlelit bubblebaths and dinners for each other, it was a fairytale romance. I was in heaven. Then in six months, they would ask me to move in. It went blissful for awhile, then..it all went chaos. The person I thought I knew and loved, was no longer that person.

We became what seemed like “roommates” rather than boyfriend/girlfriend. The bickering, arguing started, it would soon turn very ugly, with him calling him names or he would say “I have everything, you have nothing” and other putdowns. I would be miserable and start sleeping in motels, or he would sleep on the couch, me on the bed, needless to say, it was a miserable experience, it interfered with my job, my friendships, it pretty much took over my life. I kept trying to change, to go to therapy, to be the “perfect” girlfriend. But my last had an ego..a superiority complex, very controlling, a workaholic. He worked as a lead software engineer at Microsoft. He made alot of money, worked 70 hour weeks, and then he also had started his own home based internet business. He was exhausted. He would come home, exhausted and agitated, would not talk to me, turn his back to me, immediately get on his computer, on his own home internet business. When I tried to help him with his business, once I did not do something right, and again, the putdowns started, calling me “stupid” and all sorts of other names.

By this time, I had lost my job, and I could not take anymore. I was going to a community college part time. Which he also criticized, I tried to look for another place to live, and found a nice person, and they said they would accept my two cats. It was a 3 bedroom house, one guy, one girl, and the best situation for me at the time, I just wanted out..out of the tension, fighting and emotional abuse..out of fear of him.

What this all boils down too, is even if you were too “forgive him” you will always fear him. We are wired that way. He charged at you and bit your face. I would, and anyone would be afraid of someone losing control like that again. You will always associate that memory with that of him, it does not go away unfortunately, making a future with him very uncertain. If you were to have children with him, again you would be fearful..fearful he would physically lose control, hurting them. You can forgive, but you can’t forget. I have been there, it has never worked. Best to never live with someone unless you have known them for at least two years or better yet, married first. Statistics show that couple’s who live together before marriage, have a higher rate of divorces versus couple’s who wait. Please take care of yourself and put yourself first. x

Hi Ashley,

It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. You should have gotten the promotion, and you are right, “E” should not be working there. She is verbally abusive, passive aggressive and just plain old mean.”a work bully”. I’m also sorry your boss is letting this go and sweeping it under the rug. Sounds like two people need to lose their job. I have had this happen to me numerous times. Harrassment and bullying by co-workers and bosses.

Do you have a personnel department or Human resources department that you can go to for assistance? That is what they do, to help with grievances. You won’t lose your job, and if “E” and your boss are doing this type of thing, I am sure they would want to know about it. Another idea, is there anyway you can apply for a different area (away from her) at your job, it may not be a promotion, but it could be a different department, and who knows, you may get a promotion there.

If you decide to look for a new job, is there any way you can take out a short term loan? Just until you get back on your feet again? Nobody should be miserable and mistreated all day. I do hope things get better. Keep us posted.